#1
thats not hte name of the song lol, unamed so far, but here u go, this is the 1st thing ive ever written but please criticise, im just seeing out mi views...>>>

changed the beging, not much better tho


Verse
Everlasting eyes insane
Old earth bleeds red
No way out for killers doomed
innocence cannot help you now

nothing can change, what my eyes have seen
aggrivate the system, injustice obscene,
bloody image, of another some one
alone on the dark, no where to run

Chorus
why?, justice has failed
why?, minds been derailed
end, an innocent life
left, grief of a wife

Verse2
Leaving behind, what his future holds
unresting silence, loss of his soul
led to the drop, where his last breath awaits
justice is lost, and injustice takes place

Chorus
why?, justice has failed
why?, minds been derailed
end, an innocent life
left, grief of a wife
Last edited by Noverion at Jul 15, 2006,
#4
maybe i should change that to constictive criticizm, coz im not takin bull**** seriously
#5
that 's not beautiful work...you sound like all the other losers who posts their lyrics on here
#6
yeh well shut the **** up, everyone gotta start somewhere mate, i was being sarcastic, ure the loser, i posted coz i thought people would be a bit nicer and say y the **** it was ****, not for some narrow-minded twat to tell me its **** and give me no reasons,

thanks, post again if u wanna say somehting a bit more conctructed
#7
emo
Member of the Frank Zappa Fan Club, PM deadhead313313

People Wouldn't know good music if it hit them in face
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#10
yeah okay, thanks, oh god its not ment to be emo, thats bad, i think im gonna start again, callin somthin emos worse than it being ****, rite thanks, dont care wot u say now but do anyway
#11
i still like the second bit, well its meant to be about thingy, death penalty, but oh well
#12
As first attempts go this piece is of excellent quality. Obviously, you can improve, but just keep writing and writing because experience is really the only thing you seem to be lacking. Stay on these forums, as I did and you will get much, much better. Just to help you out for now, try writing in different styles with a less used rhyme scheme, maybe even try not rhyming at all?

I did like it though, don't get me wrong.
#13
wow, thanks, lol, i was 1slty going tot write a song called earthen rain coat for a joke and it turned to this, but ived decided i dont likeany of the 1st 6 lines so :S
#14
it is emo, but i kinda did like what you got so far, for the rest: try to do little less emo, but it was good

links r in sig.
#15
i dunno how to work my sig lol, emo, nooo please, its not about killing my self :S, oh well, maybe i should think about it more, thx any way
#16
it only has some emo to it, not completely, and i didnt say its bad or nothing...

ill just wait till you get the whole thing done
#18
mrsmurder... Did you happen to get your name from an emo song? And saying it's 'emo' doesn't really help the writer.

In my opinion, you're off to a good start, but not nearly there yet. I'm guessing you're adding more, because it's pretty short.

Keep it up, and I'll respond again when it's updated.

Good luck.
Quote by Anton Szandor LaVey
He who makes a beast of himself takes away the pain of being a man.


My Lyrics:

Silent Oblivion