#1
Don'tcha just love writers block?

So, here's a pretty old piece that I didn't post here, I edited it a bit, added a verse and just tideid it up a tad. You should be able to grasp the story, it's a pretty easy one to digest here.

I haven't written anything since the last thing I've posted. Seriously. I just can't at the moment, which is why I've been pressing for some sort of Lyrics Q&A to be up while the tips thread is away... I needed the advice Perhaps you'd like to grant me some

So, all comments much appreciated, and if you leave a link I'll be sure to get back to yours.

Enjoy


Well when the chips are down
And you wake up in a bridal gown
Maybe get up and out of your fancy dress
Go out and mingle with your friends

And when things won't go right
Just as they did last night
You should stand up and face the music
Though it may lead to your demise

And oh no, oh no
The days almost over and
Oh no, oh no
You ain't even spoken to him yet
And oh no, oh no
The darkness is arriving and
Oh no, oh no
You didn't sort it out, did you
You didn't sort it out no

Your body is frozen
Still it's oh so ambrosian
Get up and make the move before
He selectively dismisses your pleas

And once you've dialled his mobile
Hear the ringotne in your head
Picture his face oh the disgrace
As he presses the key
Which puts you in your place

And oh no, oh no
The days almost over and
Oh no, oh no
You ain't even spoken to him yet
And oh no, oh no
The darkness is arriving and
Oh no, oh no
You didn't sort it out, did you
You didn't sort it out no oh

Love just ain't the thing you want
When the thing you want is dead
I don't know what it is your thinking
Don't know what's going through your head
I haven't noticed a change in attitude
Or a change in style
Just give it time, any time
Just leave it for a little while

You've set it up for him
The place, the time, the lines
You know it's over
Just accept it for now
Go do your crying tonight

And oh no, oh no
The days almost over and
Oh no, oh no
You ain't even spoken to him yet
And oh no, oh no
The darkness is arriving and
Oh no, oh no
You didn't sort it out, did you
You didn't sort it out no oh
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 15, 2006,
#2
not exactly my kind of lyrics, however, i thought it was good, i liked this song.

if you have writer's block all ill say is dont force a song out, wait for it, one thing that helps me, (dont know if itll help u), is to try to think of the title first out of a cool sounding phraise from like a movie or something, or write lyrics to a riff, or wait for something unfortunate to happen in your life. -just suggestions

my latest song is As the river is Bridged if you want to crit back (in sig.)
#4
This is pretty decent jammy. I'll point out my two main problems:

The flow at places is troublesome. ''I haven't noticed a change in attitude'', is an example of too many syllables. Try and keep the syllable count of the lines within very close proximity to make it easier for the reader.

I reckon that the writing was too bland to really grab a reader. I think it would be a decent song for one of those modern social-commentary bands, but it's kindo dull for me.

What's ''ambrosian''?

Sorry to bore you. I did quite like it though.
#5
I liked this one. Is it fast or slow?

The chorus is awesome. But the second section ("And when things...") didn´t really say that much. It seemed almost uneccesary.
Some live, some die. And the rest of us just keep fighting eachother.
#6
Thanks juni and CJW, as ever.

Ambrosian:-
>Suggestive of ambrosia; fragrant or delicious. See Synonyms at delicious.

>Of or worthy of the gods; divine.

The girl here is gorgeous

I'm glad you like it.
#7
I liked the song, but I can't say I enjoyed it.

Some of the stanzas are good, the first two for example - although the third line of the first stanza is a little bit off on overall rhythm. There was an obscure stanza, namely this one:


Your body is frozen
Still it's oh so ambrosian
Get up and make the move before
He selectively dismisses your pleas


I know you wrote this a while ago and perhaps you were less mature as a songwriter as you are now - in fact, looking at this and comparing it to more recent ones, you have matured - I suggest for you - only if you wish - to rearrange this and have a look at the syntax and general word choice.

Although the Q&A is back up, I'll give you a helping hand with your writing block anyway. You should read more; novels, poems, newspapers. You may see a phrase you like and it's pretty easy to build more lines around it. I was in a minor writing block until I pulled the one you just critted from nowhere. My inspiration? A nursery rhyme; it's the name of my poem as a matter of fact.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day.
Little Johnny wants to play;
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Never show your face again!


So you really can get inspiration from anywhere. If you're in the mood for a poem, look outside. Write about the weather or a flower or a person you know. These are the easiest ways to escape the metaphorical block.
#9
Dæmönika, I completely agree with you about the whole piece, especially that dodgy verse- I knew that was the poorest throughout, just didn't figure out a way to word it how I wanted it to sound.

And thanks for your advice on writers block. I do need to read more, I believe that is the reason why alot of my work is more direct and aggresive than some others.

Once more thanks, and also to the above poster for your time.
#10
pretty solid piece Jamie, i decided to pick out the bits i'm personally not keen on to highlighht them, rather than pursue a fullcrit :

Well the when the chips are down- first line... but i don't get it "well the when" ? is it a type or something? it's making no sense.

Your body is frozen
Still it's oh so ambrosian
- no offence, but this feels so corny and tacky. it's the rhyming, it sounds so forced because these words are not natural to say in colloquial language which is what seems to be the settings for your piece.

I don't know what it is your thinking- personally, i don't like the sudden involvement of the first person in this. up til now you are address "you" as the main character in this piece, but from an overall perspective. now you introduce this "I" and IMO it really doesn't fit.
plus it's "you're" not "your"

I haven't noticed a change in attitude- same thing here really. i mean, it's jsut these 2 liens that sue this first person technique, and it really stands out as being different. personally i don't think it fits.

that is all =)
tis a good piece, and i can imagine it making a great song, if you have plans to put it to music. sounds somewhat acousticcy and mellow, but with grreat tone and vocals, particularly with the chorus bits.

good job, great piece
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#11
Thanks.

That line is supposed to read "Well when the chips are down" a bit of a typo there..

And yeh, I probably agree with you on the points you've raised, so, thanks, much appreciated.