#1
please leave me a link =)


"this is not happening, officer."

a child like a wartime prisoner, he who is
draped the wrong way.
in articles of oversized clothing. showing nature,
instead of nurture.
a resignation of position from the throne.
i can no longer hold the fortress on my own.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
cool, this is pretty tight, i like this, just a quick poem, right? i have a question about the title?

if youll crit my new one, its not that great as the old one but please take a look (in sig.)
#3
question about the title? what's the question?
thanks for the comment, i'll crit yours =)
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
well, the title is about denial, pretty obviously. the officer puts it in perspective. the subject of the poem is talking not jsut to anyone, to someone senior, someone in charge, someone who is supposedly able to help. can they help? you decide for yourselves. is this a poem of desperation or hope? you decide
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
Very interesting. Do you mean to keep putting full stops all over the place, I think they interrupt the piece quite badly.

I agree with the jammiest dude around, in that it seems to be of desperation more than anything. I actually like to think it might be about growing up.

If it is, as I believe, of a tone of desperation, then the images you've put in are very effective. ''Wartime prisoner'', 'resignation of position'' etc. all get the theme across to me very well.

Well-executed rhyming at the end there too. I like it.
#8
i like it. it's short, but i don't think it should be longer, as the message is clear. i like your choice of words, and the atmosphere you create with them. people have already said it, and i also think that there seems to be more desperation than anything else in it.
i'd crit more, but there isn't much to crit, short as it is. can you get to mine? i wrote something without forcing it. wow

joris

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393814
#9
Quote by jallas
is this a poem of desperation or hope? you decide


I decided it was about bread

Jokes of course - I really really like this lots, it's bloody lovely
#10
well tbh it's more toast than bread
thansk all for comments
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#12
i just read this again and understood it more than bfore, nobody said nothing bout the last line, i thought that it was the best, like the rhyme too: throne, own
#15
thanks very much i shall return crits now =)
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#17
This is very good, this piece shows the desperation of the character you have created. I'm guessing the oversized clothes is a symbol of having too much weight on your shoulders/not being able to control this "fortress" by your own. It is very impressive that you said so much, in just one stanza. This may be a guess, but is it really about not being able to control the forums on you own, thus, making pooch a mod to help keep control of this "fortress"? Anyways, I loved this piece.

Please crit my newest piece. Link is in my sig.
#18
this is a really beautiful piece alice. i really like how it can be read on several different levels. At first I read it on a more basic one because I am an idiot but upon further examination it could be much more than it seems. It quite possible that that is your intent, but even if it isn't it was crrrrrazy good on a basic level too. One of my favorites, a quick, concise, yet heavliy loaded piece. Is the structure purposefuly in conjuction with how 'draped the wrong way' is sort of put in the sentence improperly as well (as in, on a separate line). Excellent work Alice. If you have any time, could you please get to my new one "dead or dreaming," I think you may like it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395671

there is the link.
#19
wow thanks very much. Danter, that's a very good interpretation of it, and although tbh i had written this with something else in mind, i realise now your analysis fits absolutely perfectly. well done! this is why i love others to analyse stuff as well yknow... picks out different and opposing interpretations and opens your mind to a whole nother level. awesome.

ben: you are the bestest boy in the worlddd. why don't you live in england eh and then we could get married =)
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#20
why dont you live in the atl in the us of a?
actually i might be going to england next year just for fun.