#1
Leave a link if you would.

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During one eternal night
I lay on my bed of life;
As usual, my mind
Shone as the sole light in the gloom;
Gradually, a vain butterfly,

With its luminous colours
And alluring fragrance, floated near.
Through my stillness I was aware of
This butterfly at all times;
And when it so brashly touched upon my eyelid
I breathed it away immediately.

Whilst I had been feuding,
A diminutive moth crawled modestly
Through the air,

Camouflaged and indiscernible in the dark;
With my mind still
Focused on the butterfly,
I could not notice the moth
Lay down to sleep upon my exposed breast.
#2
Personally, I find butterflies disgusting and moths even worse. But meh. Not a real stunner, but not bad either.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#5
I thought this was just short of breathtaking. I'm vary sparse on positive comments for poetry on the internet, but this really shines imo. WD.
Absinthe maketh the heart grow fonder
#7
I too liked this one, it was written very nicely and it all came together well.

Very nice subtle rhyming, alliteration and assonance. I really liked this one CJW. Good Job
#9
i'm not that big on poetry, but I thought this was pretty cool. There was nothing I really found weak in it. Good job man.

Crit for Crit?
#11
I have a little nick-picking thing.

"Through my stillness I was aware of
This butterfly at all times;
And when it so brashly touched upon my eyelid
I breathed it away immediately."

I felt that those lines were a little awkward and sub-standard to the other lines. Nothing major mind, but just if you wanted to change it.

Otherwise it was a wonderful piece. I'm guessing it's about when you can't get to sleep and you just watch moths and butterflies

A real gem here; it has a great balence of al things wondeful, well done.

Can you have a peak at temperamentally lost for me? I've just revealed it's meaning but oh well. Thanks.
#12
Cheers guys for your interest. I don't want to reveal the complete meaning of this piece, but I assure you that the moth and the butterfly are metaphors for something else.
#13
I don't really have anything bad to say about this piece. It's.....heartwarming, but for no particular reason and i'm sure you didn't mean for it to be but it is.
It's also quite obvious that there's a deeper meaning behind the butterfly and moth metaphor and the fact that you've hidden it so well makes it even better to read.
I love it, awesome work CJW.
Last edited by Neely at Jul 16, 2006,