#1
Right then, this is something a bit different from me. This is a poem and any crits will be returned.

Rain, rain go away, come again some other day
Because right now I could do with some sunshine
To light up this void that is surrounding me
Rain, rain go away, come again another time
My heart is aching with hurt and dismay
But I think it?s going to rain today

Between the light and darkness the boys stands inconscient to the creatures surrounding him and watching his every move
Somewhere in the blackness a voice as cold as ice is beckoning him towards an almost certain early death
But as he takes a step forward a giant yellow butterfly clings onto his back and takes him towards the light
The creatures hiss and growl as their quarry is taken away and placed in the light and in relative safety
I can see his face, with horror I realise the boy is I from many years ago, and he smiles; he smiles, a smile befitting of his callous, envious thoughts
And as he continues to stare I get a strange feeling rising up from the pit of my stomach
And with this thought I gather myself up and walk away towards the darkness where the creatures of legend open their mouths wider allowing me to step inside
And I do; it?s ecstasy; the feelings ripple through my spine and for the first time I can sit in happiness knowing I overcame
That boy still stands there smiling at me with those teeth as sharp as a razor?s edge and eyes that could pierce anything and everything
Then he turns and falls to dust and I can only smile to myself and give up this race and accept defeat in grace

Rain, rain come again, come back and finish them off
They don?t deserve it any more
Tyrants of ersatz mirth and murk
Rain, rain come again, wash them away in your great storm
Fury, fury tear them down
Don?t let them live another day
Last edited by Dæmönika at Jul 14, 2006,
#3
That was, great, I thought.

I would love to give this a line by line crit, but I'm short on time atm, so this'll have to do.

The middle stanza just stands out to me as brilliant readin. It kept a tone and was pretty consistent in flow, for me, they make the other stanza just seem worse, although they're not really too bad, I just found them less interesting than the middle stanza. One line I have a problem is is the one with three inclusions of the word "smile"m it just seemed to much for me.

The poster above me, amazingly, seems right, it seems quite, dare I say it, emo-ish. I mean, there are a few parts that are almost cliche of that genre- the razors edge, falls to dust and the tone also seemed quite depressing.

However, I don't think it detracts from this, because it is a goo dpiece, and it's nice to see a change of direction, I think you've pulled it off nicely. Nice job.

If you want to - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393343
#4
^^ I'll thank you for having a look, although it would benefit me and others if you and others can give slightly more feedback than "lolzorz, this is emo".

^ I thought it was time for a little change. That middle stanza is supposed to be spoken quite quickly, and the inclusion of multiple "smiled's" is my way of slowing it down. "And I do; it?s ecstasy" is used in the same way.

I never really thought of this as emo when writing it, and to be honest I still don't. I admit the subject matter is of a dark nature but there is nothing about the cliché'd "kill myself" and "bleeding", but as everyone has an opinion I'll grant them

I shall be on to yours in a wee while.
#5
I'm no expert, but I don't think it sounded emo at all.

The first stanza I thought was not too good. If you're gonna use a sample like that then the surrounding stanza has got to incorporate it very well, which I don't think it did in this case.

As jammy said, the second stanza is great. I'm sure it is a personal piece.
On the eigth line, I'm pretty sure ''boy is I'' needs to be changed to ''boy is me'', I reckon it will sound better. Otherwise, all good.

The final stanza I also like. The problems I pointed out at the beginning were not present here, and the mixture of structure definitely added to the bitterness.
#6
Quote by CJW

On the eigth line, I'm pretty sure ''boy is I'' needs to be changed to ''boy is me''


Grammatically, it should be "boy is I" so I'll stick with it.

About that last stanza, would you say it's more to do with the extra repeated line in it? The first stanza had two and the final one had three, because if that's the case I'll just redo that first stanza to have three repeats.

Thanks for the critique.