#1
I'd really appreciate it if ppl crit this song, because this is like(to me) one of the most deepest songs that I have ever written. So, let me know what you think of it.

Note: It is a love song. And if you know me I write lots of them. So... here is one of the best ones I've written.

More notes: I had to delete this thread. But here is again.
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Verse:
Don't you remember those times, when we used to care so much?
The times you used to listen, the times you used to care.
Those days are gone, but I still remember.

Love unending... Peace forever... Love and joy and peace for everyone.

I still remember those days when I loved you so much.
The times when I used to write to you from the bottom of the heart.
The times I used to talk to you and you would listen.

Love unending... Peace forever... Love and joy and peace for everyone.

Chorus:
I loved you more the way you were before.
the times you used to laugh at me, when I wasn't trying.

Yet still I move on, growing older.
Yet every moment I live, I miss you even more.

(solo)

Chorus:
I loved you more the way you were before.
the times you used to care so much, without a doubt.

Outro:
And yet everytime I see, I remember the way you were.
To remember the way you were before, is like dreaming.... forever
#3
you're just asking for it by having a green day animation. So here it goes : It isn't that great, you need to try a few more drafts and use larger words, such as enamoured to make it better.
#5
I hate it, it has no flow or rhythm, its cliched, and its boring.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#6
Quote by dnjoe
I hate it, it has no flow or rhythm, its cliched, and its boring.


well man i didnt come here to be told my lyrics suck. but if they do... tell me... what the heck am I supposed to do about that?
#7
No bumping. If you want people to crit your piece, you should crit theirs first, and the fuller; the more in depth your crits will be, the fuller and better crits you'll receive. Oh and please read the FAQs, they should help you. I will have to warn you, but welcome to the forums and this writing board is great once you get the hang of it.
#8
Quote by pooch0072
No bumping. If you want people to crit your piece, you should crit theirs first, and the fuller; the more in depth your crits will be, the fuller and better crits you'll receive. Oh and please read the FAQs, they should help you. I will have to warn you, but welcome to the forums and this writing board is great once you get the hang of it.


what the heck are you talking about? I didn't bump my thread.
#9
Repetitious, uninspired, flat, static, clunky -

But, we can work with that...
(I suggest you read the "Lyrics Tip Thread". Well, skim it, if you must.)

Ok, you need to establish a couple things here:

Alpha) Characters. Who is the speaker and who is the adressed. Right now, you've provided a literal "I" and "you" with the relationship that there is love involved. Now, your first task is to create some representative of your major theme (heartbreak, love, all that mush). A representative, a character, is the figure in which your audience will immediate focus their attention to once deployed - it's human nature to find the "character" in each story, because it's expected that the character will be the vessel in which the moral of the story is going to be discovered. So, your characters are important. You need to give them personalities, qualities that set them apart from the paper in which you're writing them on - the goal isn't to write a facade of a human, it's to use the speaker to reveal a part of an entire human character, personality and all, through the major action, setting, and any abstracted descriptions. I use the word a lot, because I believe it's, perhaps, the biggest thing lacking in young poets' writing: pscyhology. Every good playwright is absolutely obsessed with it - every good poet should be, too. How does your character think? What kind of personality do they have? Any quirks or abnormalities? How does your character interact with his/her mother? His/her friends? Society in general? Now, naturally, you're not going to reveal everything about the character - that's where the speaker comes in. Generally, the poet is the speaker (every once in a blue moon, poets decide to take on a voice and assume an entirely separate character as the speaker), which means that it's up to you: you choose what is and is not important to reveal to the audience about the character.

Beta) Setting. Time, place, and the sort. You've got your characters, you've got a theme, but you need somewhere for them to exist - a space for ideas to occur. Hence, setting.

Gamma) The machine of physics: major action. This is often confused for short-story "major action". In poetry (lyrics are poems, after all), you don't need a big action to be your major action, it's really just the manner in which you put your characters into motion. It's important to make these actions revolving around your theme, however, because the manner in which your characters react will be, essentially, the lesson your audience takes away from the piece. (Hence, a theme is a bit like a thesis, while the reactions to major action are like your evidence and analysis.)

Delta) Imagery. I put this on the outskirts, because it's really something that needs to be weaved within every facet of the lyric/poem. You have all of these actions occuring, but they're not going to stick with any audience member, because you're not giving them things they can grasp with their senses. Appeal to the human nature of the audience and give them descriptions that they can see, feel, smell, et cetera. Remember the "show, don't tell" rule - the more you can keep imagery integrated into a piece, the more space you have to develop your theme (unless it's abstracted on purpose - but that's a different story for a different poem...).

Epsilon) Sound (and diction). Diction's not going to get it's whole section, because it's simply the words you choose to express your ideas... Hence, it's EXTREMELY important. However, it's also something that depends on each poet. (You've got a very simple voice, so I wouldn't expect a massive overload of polysyllablic monstrosities - sure, you can always strengthen your diction, but it's best for you to worry about how your diction is influencing imagery, characters, and tone moreso than if your diction is "complex" enough. Ignore the riff-raff that would say that every one needs to read a dictionary and write like it, too. It'll end up making everything seem out of place and confused.) Umm... sound... Yeah. Morph your lines into a cohesive thought that carries with it sounds that either work well with each other or paint a picture via sound (onomonopaeic, if I could spell...), but don't forget that verses need to flow together as well. Consonance and assonance (in moderation) can help, rhyming is a delicate matter... And remember your punctuation - it has a great influence than most writers would think. A note on repetition: it's ok, in moderation, but take it too far (the same phrase or word repeated) and it will become a nightmare that both eats up space and sounds childish, at best. It's better to progress forward and develop your thoughts than to play with words you've said once before - unless, of course, you've weighed it, and the effect is killer.

Eta) Tone. Establish, via imagery, diction, voice, major action, reaction, et al, a certain fog of emotion. Tone and mood determine the reader's method of understanding the piece, as they reveal what you as the author feel about the theme, and, in turn, dictate a certain emotion to the reader as well.
#10
uhh...its allright, but you needa add content....it doesnt sound complete, its good, but could be sooooo much better...... what ido when people tell me that....i stay up all night thinking about the person i wrote about and jus put every little detail into that song and then if i read it again, and it sounds like thers too much going on in it, i just take a little out but nice draft....

please crit my songs "insane" and "not so different from me"
UG's HIPPIE
#11
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
uhh...its allright, but you needa add content....it doesnt sound complete, its good, but could be sooooo much better...... what ido when people tell me that....i stay up all night thinking about the person i wrote about and jus put every little detail into that song and then if i read it again, and it sounds like thers too much going on in it, i just take a little out but nice draft....

please crit my songs "insane" and "not so different from me"


thanks man. ill keep that in mind