#1
New song. Little cheesy. Unfinished. Greatful for advice. Crit for Crit. Cheers.

Linger on. Like I'm letting go of my highest kite. Tonite.
With our memories. On the backseat of your ride. For old times.

As I wake up. The lone thing that I analyze is you waking up without me.
And as words flow like lovesick and lonely tears, my poem isn't too promising.

If I can't face to say it face too face,
And only adverse letters fill the page,
I don't want to over complicate things,
But I'm going, I'm going, where going is nowhere.
www.myspace.com/joyridingrange
Last edited by White_Riot_1977 at Jul 15, 2006,
#2
Quote by White_Riot_1977
New song. Little cheesy. Unfinished. Greatful for advice. Crit for Crit. Cheers.

Ok, first off you need to proofread this for spelling mistakes etc.

Fade Away. Like I'm letting go of my highest kite. Tonite.
With our memories. On the backseat of your ride. For old times.

This is the best part, i really liked this, it just had somehting about it.

As I wake up. The only thing that I think around is you waking up without me.
And as words flow like lovesick and lonely tears, my poem isn't too promising.

This was the lowest point. It wasn't too bad but it certainly didn't meet the standards of the other one; it needs tweaking.

If I can't face to say it face too face,
And only adverse letters fill the page,
I don't want to over complicate things,
But I'm going, I'm going, where going is nowhere.

Ok, this was ok, but nothing special at all. However, the ending was good.


Generally it's ok, but it needsa little tweaking here and there. I get the feeling from this that, in time, you can become quite good if you apply yourself and are willing to read plenty of other people's work and the tips thread. So good luck.

Can you look at my latest in my sig please? Cheers.
#3
Quote by White_Riot_1977

Fade Away. Like I'm letting go of my highest kite. Tonite.
With our memories. On the backseat of your ride. For old times.

cheesy, yes. but i like it you could maybe try to find a replacement for 'fade away' as it's uber-cliché these days. i like the second line a lot, the backseat-oldtimes make me feel so mmhm! it really creates an atmospere, something romantic.. i like it

As I wake up. The only thing that I think around is you waking up without me.
And as words flow like lovesick and lonely tears, my poem isn't too promising.

'that i think around'? 'that i think about' maybe? idk, maybe i misunderstood. i like the second line again, lovesick and lonely tears may not be the most original thing, but i really had this 'bang-down-to-earth' feeling when reading that last part. and i thought that was great, honestly. nice work

If I can't face to say it face too face,
And only adverse letters fill the page,
I don't want to over complicate things,
But I'm going, I'm going, where going is nowhere.

maybe try to word the third line in a different way, it's the only line i didn't like that much. it's cool how you end your poem, it wraps it all up nicely. i liked it!

can you get to mine? thx in advance


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393814