#1
Attack me...

Float Away

The moonlight reflects off the blue sea,
While on the horizon a boat speaks in morse code.
And as I walk in, they'll never notice me,
While I float away and watch the world corrode.

Drifting further out I see a light below,
Continually flashing at me, I let myself go.
Sinking around the darkness towards the light,
My heart stops beating, and I lose sight.

I'm back in my old ways,
I told myself never again.
People change, so they say,
So why do I feel I'm making a sin?
'Mon The Biffy!

Boing Boing

Member #2 of the Biffy Fan Club. PM onlyonehere to join.

Quote by Caustic
I like this guy.
#2
i like the way you alternate your rhyming scheme from stanza 1 and 3 (ABAB) to stanza 2 (AABB). I think the use of "I" is overused in this, as it doesnt really engage a reader. However, this does make it more appealing as it provides a sense of character and makes it more personal. The last line of the whole thing seems an odd length compared to the rest of the final verse, which i feel detracts from the overall flow of the song. The content is good IMO. Some of it could do with some alternative phrasing as "blue sea" and "sinking in darkness" are cliche, but i like the picture you created of a lonely, outcast figure. Good stuff man. Keep going.
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#3
some of it is really good, other parts of it seem kinda awkward and forced. like rhyming code with corrode, it just sound forced. its like you couldnt think of something so you added a couple of r's and an o. on the other hand, the rhymes in the last stanza are much better. ways and say isnt great, but works because its ways and not way. then again and sin seems like the best rhyme in the piece. problem is that the last line reads awkward. i would rephrase it if i were you, so that it reads/sounds clearer and less, well strangely phrased.

another thing to work on is some imagry. it seems that you start building the basis for good images, but dont really come up with the best descriptive words. like the first line, 'moonlight reflects' has an ok image, but isnt really clear exactly how the light is coming off the water. something like 'moonlight shimmers' gives a much clearer image of what exactly the light is doing when it hits the water. just simple things like changing a word or two can make a difference like that.

line two of stanza two reads strangly to me because of how close the words 'me' and 'myself' are to one another. i think that it would actually sound better if you cut out the phrase 'at me' because it shortens the line and gets rid of the awkwardness i get from those two words so close together.

the overall image of the solitary figure is well developed and the changing rhyme scheme makes this an interesting read. a bit of editing to clean this up will make this a good piece. if you feel the urge to crit my piece, you can find it here.
#4
great work, second stanza is really good, it doesnt even make much sense the first 2 lines of it but it just flows well so i give it , 9/10.