Page 1 of 2
#1
this is something I wrote tonight, I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. If you can't figure it out, charlie is a character that I've based on myself. I don't think I'm done writing it, but i decided to post my rough version. I'd like to hear what you guys think about it since I pretty much am not happy with whatever I write.


charlie's a young man, 16 years old.
thinks about things a little too much, he lies to himself.
it seems like he just can't figure anything out.
He just sits in his room all day, he thinks from time to time
what's the point in living....

he likes being around his friends,
things are so much easier when you're having a good time,
he thinks about this friend of his, she's growing on him
he likes her but he won't admit it, his self-esteem's to thin

Charlie... he's feeling pretty down
his friends start dividing, it seems like there's noone around.
his friends are gone, so he's just sitting by himself.
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do.
that girl he likes is in love with one of his friends,
charlie's feeling lonely, so he goes and kills himself.

Why? why?
Everything's better after I die.

This is more of a story then a song really.... I revised it and made it more of a song and re-posted it...
Last edited by a-user-name at Jul 18, 2006,
#2
i like it...

its good for if you're feeling depressed

let it out, man

crit for crit, man
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#3
Wow thats the darkest song i have heard since uhhh.... yeah, riiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt...........

Its dark and i like it
#4
It's not bad, got some very nice concepts in there, I especially like the line;

sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do.

Only thing I'd suggest is that at the moment it seems more like a narrative than prose / poetry / lyrics, maybe try to slim it down a little and make it flow a little more and then the emotion won't be quite so "cluttered" if that makes sense.

But overall it's a nice piece, well done man

(oh, and don't top yourself like )
#5
the best thing in writing lyrics is that there's no right or wrong to it, you can just sit down and write about anything that comes across your mind.

not bad, a lot of sorrow. but i think it sounds too much like a story. sounds good if you can rap it the right way though (looks like a rap song to me...). reminds me of Eminem and his tragic tunes....
#6
thanks for the crit guys... it's not supposed to be a rap song, i'm not really into that. I was thinking about taking the name charlie out of the song, and just tell the story without the character having a name, i think it might come out better that way, what do you think of it all?
Last edited by a-user-name at Jul 15, 2006,
#7
No, I quite like the use of the name, it gives it a more human edge, and takes it from being a vague, tale-like piece, to an exact, personal one.

I liked it. It was quite simple and succint, but somehow left enough ambiguity to be quite a dark piece. I thought these lyrics were a good example of not having to be a wordsmith to write good lyrics. There are no lines in particular I could criticise. I'm guessing you have your own tune to this, and I wouldn't mind here it, because I had slight difficulty in picking up the rhythm of the piece, but it didn't detract from the reading of it at all! Good stuff.
#8
i would have to agree with some other people it sound as if it could be a story/naritave more than a song but with that aside i liked it giving the person a name is something very rarly done in music well done
#9
it could be like that song i heard from gorillaz on Demon Days live on TV. he talks the whole song and then only the chorus is sung. i dotn the name of the song cuz they didnt say it. yeha just make a chorus and you can do that
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#10
This reminds me of Skid Row's "18 and Life", that's a good thing =P. Great work, I'm feeling this one. It's very descriptive, it tells pretty much everything that needs to be known. Except it's kinda lacking something where you say he killed himself. That just seems too plain. It could be "Charlie's feeling lonely, but his loneliness ends today" or something, I dunno. But good work.
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#11
Three quick things:

1) "time goes by" is comparable to "and then, the phone rang" so far as moving the plot and moving time. Find a machine more masked in the subtle notion that time is jumping (or, no notion at all, if you're going to be stylistic about it), because...

2) I can believe how true the statement is: "show, don't tell." Even in a character sketch, the character should be weaved into the entirety of the poem in a degree to which I feel like I'm reading a piece of poetry and not a biography. It's ok to be blunt at times, but this piece is too forward too often.

3) "Was his life even worth living?
now is he better off that he's dead?
Is life ever worth living?
Everyone will feel better when I'm dead."

Reword, rework, reshape. It feels like an attempt to summarize or present some sort of "moral of the story", to which, the moral ought to be simply be attached to the theme itself (is not your thesis your moral?). It's an afterthought - a reiteration of things already established once and too broad to be interesting to repeat in another broad representation.
#12
Creeeepy. That sucks for charlie, that girl and his friend, I know how he feels.
Quote by Godzilla1969
I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

Quote by Pacifica112J
Muphin > You

The Cooperation
#13
IMO if your going to write a song that dark and depressing try to make it a little less direct. Overall i like i though I know you must be going through some serious ****.

Hope all turns out well.
#14
thanks for posting more crit's guys... I appreciate it.... this is a song, it's kind of a narrative song, so you guys are kinda right. I don't know how it's gonna be sung or anything, I've been thinking about it... I was pretty much just wicked depressed so I haven't really been able to think about any sort of singing or making it a song yet. This song is supposed to be simple, I like a lot of songs that are simpler, like my favorite song "roulette" by SOAD. It does suck for charlie, since I'm him.... things got a little more messed up today, oh well. Thanks Heascase, I'm hoping things get better soon....
#15
I really like it...i can relate with almsot every situation you bring up in there...

its really good...i especially like the line "sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do"

its sooo true...

ps. dont kill yourself...haha
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#16
First of all, thanks for the crit. This is a pretty straight forward song. I felt like I was reading a short story when I read it. I was really able to connect with Charlie. Keep up the good work man. Oh and don't kill yourself. The world needs your song writing talent.
#17
I don't think this song flowed very well. But when its about such a personal topic, things like that dont really matter as much if thats how you choose to express yourself.
I loved the way you distanced yourself from the peice by making a character, it gives others a chance to connect with it more, which i definately did. I think you should leave the "charlie" part in there.
I hope things turn out ok.
#18
damn dude, that **** is dark.

good flow, I would mix it up a little more, make it more hard to understand. By making it seems stranger, I think it would portray what ur getting at a little better. But that is just me
#19
Seeing as you basically have enough crits for this song, I won't crit the piece really.

What I will say is that you need to take paraboetheos advice, because he is a god. Pieces like this, if you are going to point out things so bluntly as Is my style most the time, you either need with it very good rhyme or very good flow, in fact both rhyme and flow help a piece as simple as this to look better than it is. So, your next piece, if you still are intent on writing in this way, would be to take the time to make sure the flow is spot on, and you have clever rhyming without being forced.
#20
the was a sad little song, hmm, reminds me of that cartoon that tim burton did, vincent ?, i really liked it, straight to the point

"charlie's feeling lonely, so he goes and kills himself."

i really liked the use of the name, gave it alot mroe of a realistic atmosphere to it, im liking this, good one


crit4crit? my link is in my sig
PSN: Noverion
#21
Charlie needs to meet some new girls, theres definitely someone better than that one who's banging his friend
Quote by Godzilla1969
I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

Quote by Pacifica112J
Muphin > You

The Cooperation
#22
it's not quite like that man... I like this girl, but my self-esteem had always gotten in the way of doing something about it, so I never told anyone. Then, she got involved with my buddy... so it's not that she's bad or my buddy for that matter, but that I missed my opportunity.
#23
i really like it, i know what you feet like to, sometimes life can be freaking great and then, like recently a living hell....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#24
Quote by a-user-name
it's not quite like that man... I like this girl, but my self-esteem had always gotten in the way of doing something about it, so I never told anyone. Then, she got involved with my buddy... so it's not that she's bad or my buddy for that matter, but that I missed my opportunity.


The exact same thing happened to me. And this girl was crazy for my friend for the longest time and he just hung her out to dry for a few months before he decided he dug her. We were close friends since I met her, and she even thought about dumping her boyfriend because she was into me, but she thought I'd never even think about dating her, ever, so she just got over it. She told me that, so I decided I'd just tell her I was into her. Now she knows, and she's still with the guy, but we're still good friends. Just tell her.

highschool is retarded.
Quote by Godzilla1969
I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

Quote by Pacifica112J
Muphin > You

The Cooperation
#25
It's alright. But it kinda sounds like an oldies country song (no offence man). Maybe mix the words around. Just play the tune of it a couple times, and just write what comes to your mind (it's what I would do).


____________________________________________________________________
#26
My favorite line is easily

"sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do."

I also think that the length isn't quite right, and if it can be lengthened without feeling forced it would be nice, but it's not a necessity. (sp?)
Quote by soccermom
Of course eating unbelievable amounts of anything can probably harm you, but i chose bananas because they look like willies.
#28
lol, I feel like one reply in a sea of thousands wont make a difference, but i believe the "story" point of view is a very interesting concept, and it has great potential.

maybe i just missed it, but the chorus... yeah, a chorus. cant wait to hear the rest.
#30
well I like it, its a bit cliched, but your feeling depressed so its understandable. Besides that I think everything in the song worked well, not sure if the flow was great, but there was a little flow. So everything I think turned out ok, its a good piece, good to get that feeling out on paper.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#31
it is good, but i think it needs some zest in parts..soemthign bit different to regain the full attention of the reader, becos it occasionaly seems dragged on
but well done
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#32
After I started reading this more and more, it instantly reminded me of "Adam's Song" by Blink 182.

Good outlet though, good way to represent heart and feeling. Well done
#33
I do like it. However, it seems more like a story than a song. I feel sometimes if you leave out parts of sentences in songs, it makes it more... what's the word... sorta mysterious, which helps others relate the song to how they are feeling. I guess, don't keep it too specific. For example, I'd take:

things are so much easier when you're having a good time,
he thinks about this friend of his, she's growing on him

And turn it into:

Livin life up when times are well,
Thinking of that special one, who's growing on him

Just a short example of what I could come up with in 30 seconds.

And I hope things go better for you. Life is a bitch, then you die. Think positive =)
#34
thanks for the crit's guys... I guess it is a little bit like "adam's song", although that wasn't my intention at all since I've never heard that one..... thanks loudmurder, i am gonna revise sentences over time, It's how it is cause I just wrote down what I was thinking, so I'll make it more songlike over time...
#35
No problem man. It's a very personal song. I feel when anyone starts writing, just write what comes out. If it doesn't sound right, or flow the best, it's ok. You can always go back another time when your emotion can come out again, which may replace some, or not. I don't know how many times since 2002 I've went over my stuff and edited it.
#36
i like it...great song.....are you "Charlie"? keep on keepin on man
peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#37
When I read the your little introduction part before the song, I was thinking that I was about to read a great song... I really like stuff where the writer bases a character on him/herself. But I have to say I was dissappointed.

The problem is that it seems too fake... It's obviously emo, which I am open too, as long as it's sincere and heart-felt. This seems like a kid who is just sitting in his little corner, mad at the world.

I wouldn't say that there is anything majorly wrong with writing a song like that (although people don't like complainers), but I have to say it wasn't even written that well. "Charlie is feeling down. Charlie want's to bang this chick, but can't. Charlie kills himself." It looks like it took 5 minutes to write that.

Let me explain that I am not biased against emo at all. Like I said, I like anything that is sincere and heart-felt. But I just didn't like this one at all. 2/10.

After I roasted your peice (sorry, but I'm just being honest), feel free to roast mine. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6193722#post6193722
#38
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
i like it...great song.....are you "Charlie"? keep on keepin on man
peace out

You didn't even read the guys song, dumbass, you just want him to crit yours. Good grief.
#39
ouch man... you freakin ripped me there... well, someone was bound to eventually.... this isn't an emo song, I made sure that I didn't make it emo... I'm not complaining in the song, it's not even me... I took how I was feeling, and made a character, and in my mind sometime down the road he kills himself, cause i kinda had got tired of life over the weekend. Also, it's not that he doesn't get the chick... it's that he has self-esteem problems that prevent him from expressing himself, so he feels frustrated and he was already depressed before things got worse. He hates himself for not being able to be open and honest on serious topics, and one day it catches up to him. It's pretty much a story I came up with in my head.. All I really care about is that you called it fake... I don't really care if you slam it as long as you don't slam me personally in the process. To each his own though..
#40
Dude, I didn't slam you, I slammed the song...

And I'm just being honest. Nothing personal, ok? If I don't like a song, I'm not gonna tell you that I loved it.

And if you write a song about a chacter based on yourself, then you pretty much wrote it about you.

How can you say that's not emo? That is defiantly emo sounding. But that's beside the point.

Sorry that I bashed it, but at least im honest and I gave you a good crit, unlike G{}{}BER up there.
Page 1 of 2