#1
I am restless once again,
tossing, turning, trying to find comfort in my bed,
looking for, what i took or granted, a thousand times before,
you found a convinient time to leave here

And I, I tried so hard,
to pretend that i hate you,
just to make sure you didnt think that you had won,
this isnt over till we speak

And now i think its time that you grow up,
i can see right through you, so forget about your luck,
here i am, just hit me with the truth,
after all, I knew it long before you

You told me forever, but i guess you didnt care

Forever ends today


THere ya go...gimme some good crits...ill give you some too...
#2
your song sounds like the same bull**** that everyone of these emo kids comes up with....if thats what your trying to sound like...good job buddy
#3
Quote by Blackdiamond045
your song sounds like the same bull**** that everyone of these emo kids comes up with....if thats what your trying to sound like...good job buddy


how about if you have nothing nice to say...than shove it up your ass...real musicians have respect for songwritters and arent assholes when they ask for help...your jsut a poser bitch making fun of "emo" kids without even talking to them...i bet you listen green day...you ****...


your a real asshole...

goodnight buddy
#4
your right i was a little out of line...the lyrics sound a little depressing and dont have much of a meaning...theres a little constructive criticism instead....bitch...
#5
Quote by Blackdiamond045
your song sounds like the same bull**** that everyone of these emo kids comes up with....if thats what your trying to sound like...good job buddy


You are a complete, and utter moron.

What the **** is wrong with you?

This guy comes into a forum, simply looking for a crit on his lyrics, and all you give him is **** for no reason.

It would have been one thing to say something along the lines of "Meh, They sound like a lot of songs", but, no, you went the extra mile and was a douche bag about it.

Does it make you feel like a bigger person? Insulting someone's writing behind the comfort of your computer? I assume you're one of those kids that gets his ass kicked everyday at school, thus feel the need to get on here and "T0Tal1y Pwn Sum N00bs!!"

Now, please, go kill yourself. Bring a few friends with you. The less dip****s like you that we have living on this earth, the better.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#6
Quote by fenderfreak101
You are a complete, and utter moron.

What the **** is wrong with you?

This guy comes into a forum, simply looking for a crit on his lyrics, and all you give him is **** for no reason.

It would have been one thing to say something along the lines of "Meh, They sound like a lot of songs", but, no, you went the extra mile and was a douche bag about it.

Does it make you feel like a bigger person? Insulting someone's writing behind the comfort of your computer? I assume you're one of those kids that gets his ass kicked everyday at school, thus feel the need to get on here and "T0Tal1y Pwn Sum N00bs!!"

Now, please, go kill yourself. Bring a few friends with you. The less dip****s like you that we have living on this earth, the better.


AHAHA!!!

you just got owned you asshole
#8
i really like the second verse talk about a bitter break up but not dont kno if thats what you were going for but over all well don i liked it
#9
I like it. A lot. Even though it seems kinda short, it still sounds really good. I like the "Forever Ends Today" line. And the name of the song makes me laugh for some reason. Great work.
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#11
OK,

at first sight, this could either be one of two things. 1) it could be 'a real fast punk rock style straight ahead kick ass dance around on stage and get the crowd moshing' type of song, or

2) you could slow it down and put some space in the lines and turn it into a power ballard type song

Your verses are good, but you need to limit them to 4 lines each, then use the 5th and 6th lines as a prechorus to lead you into a chorus. that's the next thing - these lyrics are missing a chorus - it needs something sing alongable and highly memorable.

ok, i hope you find these constructive, and never mind that asshole who got owned, cause he obviously sucks at songwriting.
I gave rock n' roll to you

Anti-thayer
#12
And I, I tried so hard,
to pretend that i hate you,
just to make sure you didnt think that you had won,
this isnt over till we speak


Man I really like that. I can nearly hear it, with a dramatic pause before the last line is delivered and everything

The rest is very good as well, emotive without being specific, descriptive without being overly detailed - it's very well written stuff, I like it a lot

I think the fact it doesn't have a chorus to come back to is a big strength, it carries itself along without needing to return to a "hook" if that makes sense. Good job
#13
Can´t come up with something intelligent to say about it. But you should know that it´s good of you to know when to stop writing, and not force it to be longer. It doesn´t need to be longer.

Good job, beautiful language.
Some live, some die. And the rest of us just keep fighting eachother.
#14
Thanks Guys...

im glad you like it...and yes...it is about a bitter break-up...bad times...
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#16
here i am, just hit me with the truth,
after all, I knew it long before you

* I think this line really hits the spot! It flows so nice, and gives the song a whole...

Taking back sunday love/hate situation. I hope this song goes somewhere, cuz i want it on my myspace... haha.

Great job
#17
Quote by ace man
OK,

at first sight, this could either be one of two things. 1) it could be 'a real fast punk rock style straight ahead kick ass dance around on stage and get the crowd moshing' type of song, or

2) you could slow it down and put some space in the lines and turn it into a power ballard type song


I dont know, after reading the lyrics a few times over, i believe that this could definetely do some damage as a good acoustic... with some powerful bass drum and snare obviously.

Just thought I'd add that after reading the rest of the replies.
#18
Quote by justapoet
I dont know, after reading the lyrics a few times over, i believe that this could definetely do some damage as a good acoustic... with some powerful bass drum and snare obviously.

Just thought I'd add that after reading the rest of the replies.


yeah...it is definately an acoustic song...


its on my music myspace...but i havent recorded vocals yet becuase i have bronchitus...however you spell it...

www.myspace.com/onceagainst
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#19
Quote by br&nizzle
but i havent recorded vocals yet becuase i have bronchitus...however you spell it...



BULL****
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#20
pretty nice man, i can hear the whole song in my head. Definetly acoustic.

Sorry for the crappy crit, but all i have to say is already here.

Hey can you check out mine? the links in my sig.

thx, and good job
#21
Good jb man shows a lot of emotion. and that is what writing is. Keep it up. Nevermind the emo post.
#24
im not sure
you definitely need something in there to give it a unique kick in ass
nice effort though
#25
Quote by jdreed08
I would definetly go acoustic on this one, nice and slow, something people would remember.

And the "forever ends today".. genius, pure genius.


well...thats what happens when i cant sleep...
haha
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#27
well that was good.....it was short and to the point.....i could see it sounded sweet wih instruments
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

Member No.8 of Brand New Anonymous. PM MattDaviesFFAF, the_astronaut or ghettohippygirl to join.
#28
Quote by br&nizzle
I am restless once again,
tossing, turning, trying to find comfort in my bed,
looking for, what i took or granted, a thousand times before,
you found a convinient time to leave here

I kind of like the first two lines for some reason but line three looking for what i took for granted a thousand times before. you have unecessarry commas and then the or instead of for. infact the whole thing is a runon change to

I am restless once again;
tossing, turning, trying to find comfort in my bed.
Looking for what i took for granted a thousand times before,
you found a convenient time to leave. ( i really dont like the here much)

thats correct wording... though im not sure about the semicolon cause i dont use em.

And I, I tried so hard,
to pretend that i hate you,
just to make sure you didnt think that you had won,
this isnt over till we speak

Id put end the sentance at the end of line three and the make the last line its own sentance.

And now i think its time that you grow up,
i can see right through you, so forget about your luck,
here i am, just hit me with the truth,
after all, I knew it long before you

period, dont punctuate if your not goign to do the whole thing

You told me forever, but i guess you didnt care

Forever ends today


THere ya go...gimme some good crits...ill give you some too...


the end is cliche

thats all,

-Mike