O.T.S. Piece....not that it matters

This is Part II of III.
This is meant to really not so much describe what was happening in general, but the way I felt. So, I didnt use a lot of metaphors, and resorted to cliches and such....because that is the way people think and feel in a situation. And I wanted this piece to reflect myself in a bit more truer light than the first part did.

I will say, its definitely a weaker piece as compared to Part I (Fabula Nova Crystalis) and in a way, I did that for a reason. Also, it may seem like it was placed in a forced rhyme scheme, but that's just the way it came out of me. But, I think that this one could be improved somewhat more. So crits and comments are appreciated. Well, its a longer piece, so comments will do .

And, everything will be returned.

What Best Friends Means....: Part 2
So Roll Your Eyes And Hope We Get A Seven

Oh, how we spent so many days and nights together. Creating our own kind of weather.
Like the times we smoked those cloves in spring, creating a fog which hid my true feelings.
And how I always attached my feelings to an unwritten instant message. Instant?
The only "instant" was in the instance when the incense of romance crept up my nose.
And I was never able to smell anything the same way whenever I was around you again.

But, how the times have changed. Where "Ill call you tomorrow" turned into days and "We'll walk back together" turned into walking separate ways.
You said that you'd always treat me more special than any other, but instead I felt that in a way I was your brother.
And oh, how I wanted to indulge in incest of any kind. A disgusted thought which only played hand-in-hand with my pantomime.

And how you'd always use to hug me, while I stare into your eyes through the reflection of the mirror.
And how you'd always kiss me on my cheek, while I embrace you in the corner.
And how you'd cry upon my shoulders, while I began to hear you a lot clearer.
And how you'd lay down next to me, while I became a loveless mourner.

Because it was in those key moments, where I began to unlock the door. And solve the puzzle with the pieces that I collected from your room.
Creating a pallet, containing only a message written in black oil-paint
"You thought that you were slick, but now you're washed up on the shore."

Because, it was true, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
But from the start, you were going to be the prize I could never obtain.
And I gave everything to you.
And I demolished any wall of insecurity I had, whenever I was around you.
And I revealed to you the pathway to my heart.

And you accepted.
But, you only agreed to the terms that forbade you from truly agreeing.

So why was I constantly left underneath my pillows, trying to suffocate the life out of.
Not myself
But the hidden meanings behind the words and letters spoken between each other
During those many days and nights.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jul 15, 2006,
I think when writing lyrics to music, consistency is a big must, and I think the style held pretty strong from beginning to end so well done.

Who are your influences? What do you want it to sound like when sung?
Absinthe maketh the heart grow fonder
Well my influences are primarily Jesse Lacey, Conor Oberst, Adam Lazzarra and John Nolan. This is because these guys represent the style that I usually tend to write in. I like the way they use metaphors to link together simple topics and the way some of their songs appear so simple yet so complex.

I dont really know if this would be a song to put to music though, it could be, but I just dont know. If I did, it'd be something acoustic for sure.

Thank you for your comments.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jul 15, 2006,
I enjoyed it. Some nice ideas. The incest part was kinda gruesome hehe, but it was such an awesome way to tie in with the "brother" part. By the way, Adam Lazarra and Jesse Lacey's lyrics are beautiful things... Good choice on influences!
I don't mind it, but it needs some work.

The rhyme scheme goes off a little bit, i don't know if you did that on purpose or not

and i didn't feel the rhythm very much

crit 4 crit
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

Thanks Jimmy.
Thanks ratmblink123. Yea, the rhyme scheme did go off a bit sometimes. I didnt really revise it as I typed it out, so if it rhymes thats the way I thought of it. I dont know, I didnt focus to much on scheme and flow until I realized that I had a decent flow going

Ill get to all of your pieces later tonight.

Can You Fill In The Blanks?
A couple things amiss.

For a emotionally descriptive piece, especially in the vein of thought-process over emotional-haze in the delivery, the tone is key. However, I'm finding the actions (to which you've make a note to say are supposed to take the back-seat) simply too much of the center-stage aspect, where I would say it'd be more effective to highlight your tone. I suppose, I'd say to try it first, and look at the two in comparison to your over all vision - I think what you'll find is that by drawing the tone out, you'll get that effect of an emotional glossing over, with a cohesion so solid, one could only expect that the piece was a thought in one moment of time, capturing the manifold judgments, get with that peculiar sort of attitude we, as humans, tend to carry until our minds change the subject or introduce thoughts of so great variation, that the metaphorical change of shade actually changes the color itself.
I'd say, diction is the best place to start, in this sort of piece.
Going too deep on imagery to tune up the tone will probably just alienate the reality of the situation and abstract too much...

Speaking of which:
I'd normally say to abstract, in a piece like this, is to achieve the "thought" effect, but I'm not sure you'd get the full picture... Although, if you were to abstract certain thoughts, as in completely ripping them from context - not just highlighting as would be par for a normal piece - you might find a nice balance to give a stylistic twist befitting of a "thinking" piece...

All the cliches and almost expected metaphors are... well... good for character, I suppose. I'd say that you could almost get away with writing less in cliche, since there really isn't that much structure (in the sense of habitual phrasing) in the concept of "thought". I don't know... so much repetition and so much simplicity seemed overwhelming plain. Again, almost as if the devices were expected at best. The effect of replicating the regular, I suppose, could be better achieved merely in diction... You don't need to necessary frame everything to match real-life, so long as your painting itself is real-life... Maybe... Hmm... Maybe try a draft with all the devices of normal poetry, merely with that very plain diction. It just grates the inner critic in me to see too much simplicity (and I never was one for realism - but, hey, it's your vision, and it's an admirable draft).

The flow's a little weird at times. Lines like these:
"And you accepted.
But, you only agreed to the terms that forbade you from truly agreeing."
Absolutely murderous to the flow... Borden-esque. If you're going to commit to the full-stop, quick-cutting breaks, commit to it. This sort of switch-up doesn't really work, because there's not that well-flowing switch to something ironically poetic after a quick slam on the brakes, there's no thought that slams and drifts off into a long enough digression to be considered a change in thought, and there's not the pumping of brakes/breaks - the repetition of quick cuts ain't there... Sooo, you get this slash to almost legalist diction and syntax, which, while painting a nice technical picture, it mangles the flow so much that it becomes distracting to read. (Damn, that was a bit harshly worded... The flow wasn't awful, but I do hope you see what I mean.)

Umm... end on an up-note? Good characters. There, you get a golden star.