#1
i lost my post, and i need comments on what to improve, so, umm yeah, what you think?, its my 1st attempt at writing, its about the last guy who was hungin england but he was later found innocent, well loosely around that anyways,

rite, now due to demand i am going to rewrite the chorus
ill keep th old one their just in case the new one is ****

i like the new chorus, , prefer it,

*the this is the end bit, may sound kinda cheesy but it sounds better the way it is ment to be sung ')*

Verse
Everlasting eyes insane
Old earth bleeds red
No way out for killers doomed
innocence cannot help you now

nothing can change, what my eyes have seen
aggrivate the system, injustice obscene,
bloody image, of another some one
alone on the dark, no where to run


CHORUS
it's the end of the line, for you and your mind
it's not your fault, but it happens sometimes
the final goodbye, from the hangmans noose
innocent you say, that's not for you to choose
it is the end


Verse2
Turning over, deep in your sleep
the time has come, your soul to reap
and no mercy, is what you'll recieve
is your soul safe, what do u believe?

Leaving behind, what his future holds
unresting silence, loss of his soul
led to the drop, where his last breath awaits
justice is lost, and injustice takes place


CHORUS
it's the end of the line, for you and your mind
it's not your fault, but it happens sometimes
the final goodbye, from the hangmans noose
innocent you say, that's not for you to choose


this is the old chorus, ive cut it from the song, but here it is anyways

Chorus
why?, justice has failed
why?, minds been derailed
end, an innocent life
left, grief of a wife
PSN: Noverion
Last edited by Noverion at Aug 28, 2006,
#2
i liked it....is it heavy or soft? please crit my songs "insane" and "not so different from me"
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#3
I quite like the verses although the chorus doesn't do it for me, I think it could be that the AABB rhyme scheme is overused.

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#5
my band more of a heavy metal band, metallica-ish, pretty heavy,but not metalcore, like trivium screammy stuff, it shalt be sung, not screamed
PSN: Noverion
#6
Well the Chorus isn't like Trash Metal songs, It's nice if you ask me but if you are playing Trash it might won't fit very well, just a suggestion...
Last edited by MiNd.FreAk at Jul 17, 2006,
#9
i guess ill change the chorus coz i love you guys, hmmm but i gotta make it good, i wish i had the means to record it when my band finishes it off :@
PSN: Noverion
#11
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#12
A little cliched, but not so bad work man. How long have you been writing for? you have major potential, keep up the good work.
#13
I really liked it. I actually don't think I'd change anything. I think it would sound good in a slow metal, or even a rap. I'm exactally into rap though, but I do listen to Fort Minor (Mike Shinoda from LP) and I could totally imagine that as one of his songs Rock on eh!
#15
hmm, okay, to the guy three posts up this is my 1st song written , thanks for the posts, i feel happy now
PSN: Noverion
#17
I really like the verses, and I like both old and new chorus.. only weak part I though is the repeated "it is the end" lines.
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#18
I like how this was done. I do like the original chorus, but I like the 2nd one better
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#19
to laquer head, it sounds muhc better how it is sung, but i can see how well if cheesy is the word it looks when its written down, but obviously i will review it
PSN: Noverion
#20
thats pretty good man, i like social commentary in my music.
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#21
chorus 2 kicks so much ass its way better than chorus 1
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#22
thakns man, thakns a lot

woo, im so happy bout all thee good commebt on my first ever written song, well, apart form ****ty stuff i did when i was 10
PSN: Noverion
#24
i like it verses and choruses both great, i think they go well together, would love to hear it if you get round to recording it

crit mine please, its in my sig
#26
thanks man to all you hoo have commented, it is very nice to see that my 1st ever song is being liked , i feel so speicial
PSN: Noverion
#29
It seems a bit...desperate to be honest. You keep trying to come back to the same theme. It would be a bit better if the song progressed to somewhere instead of coming back to a chorus. But as far as ryming etc goes, its pretty well done. I take it this is some kind of death/thrash song?
#30
thrashy really, thanks for the advice, probs the most useful ive had , thanks alot
PSN: Noverion
#31
to "xDoMyGuitarNoWx" its not screammy, more growly, think new trivium...

like that, sorta, but different eh

its pretty heavy, ive just finsihed writing the music for it, hopes recording it soon
PSN: Noverion
#32
gallagher2006 <<< to you, thanks for the advice, its a kinda heavy metal, thrash, like new trivium or metallica, i think more metallica ajfa period. death metal aint really my thing, come to think of it neither is thrash, but i wrote it so meh,.
PSN: Noverion
#33
its been like a year since i wrote these, wow, just feel like posting again, the songs till being written lol, infact its finsihed but ive only just finalised my bands line up, recording shoul only be a matter of a month or 2!
PSN: Noverion
#34
I'm not so good at being a critic for just lyrics but they were good. I would like to hear them in a song to realy be able to give any advice.