#1
Hey guys! I wrote this song yesterday when I was thinking of how an officer I know must feel about his life.......I hope he'll get the message if he reads it, it's not that hard-lol.....so, it goes like this:


The sunset left this town, for real
My struggle's gone, now I can feel
Can you see it?
Well, sure I dig it

This is the last time I'll stand here
I know you know, you're never near
Who's free enough to care?
You're just perfect where you stare
Please keep that pretty mouth closed
Now lock your speech of "what's supposed"
I'm moving out at last
Running outta here so fast

7 'O clock, the door is slammed
Screw this job, my dreams are damned
Two years giving work and sweat
No one knows and I can bet
They won't regret

Mum and dad, trying their best for me
They tried so hard that I could not see
And if they ever want to leave, I'll be the first one to agree

But dammit, I hit the floor again
Not something I can stand
I'm down and out of every word
So unimpressed chasing a world

Yes, I fell asleep in the backline
I know this story's never fine
But cuts and wrists are not ok
Now I have nothing more to say

I'm tired of searching for a way
I'm tired of all this game I play
I should have known that growth is hard
Maybe a different kind of art

But dammit, I hit the floor again
Not something I can stand
I'm down and out of every word
So unimpressed chasing a world
I hit the floor again
I hit the floor again, my friend
I'm stuck inside myself and I can't hide
Last edited by [NIN]_ROCK! at Jul 15, 2006,
#2
Grouth? and also the last line u say "stucked" it should be stuck. yeah this song kicks ass too i cant really picture how its sung tho
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
Last edited by MedicreDemon at Jul 15, 2006,
#3
yo dude this sounds pretty sweet.
i can picture how it sounds as well.
its cool how you feel so much for someone elses perspective of life
#5
Woops, I made a few mistakes here and there, but they're all fixed now (I guess).Thanks for warning, I'm a disaster with keyboards, really!-lol Thanks for the comments too =)
#8
Not too bad man, I like it. Maybe a litte too much rhyming in there for me tho.

Crit for crit

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=394875
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#9
Thanks for the crit, man! I don't write a lot of stuff with rythm, but I felt like this one would be a good one to give a try, so I did what I could to make it flow. ROCK ON!
#10
I like the lyrics a lot, they actually make sense! Keep it up man, if you get that song recorded give us a shout so we can listen to it.
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#11
Thanks, man!=) I'm still working it out with a friend of mine, but things are going well, so I guess I'll get it done by the end of the month. ROCK ON!
#12
"Who's free enough to care?" damn good line! You rhyme a lot more than most songs, but it flows so well that I didn't notice it until half way through. This song would totally work with a medium hard rock beat, definetly awesome. I only have one problem, you mention razors and wrists. First of all, way incredibly too cliche. Secondly, I hate emo and that line epitomizes it. To me, emo's just a bunch of whiners with way too much estrogen. Anyways, that is the only glaring problem, terific work. Rock and Rule!
#14
^^thank you both, guys!=) I'll try to change that "Emo" verse there, I just need some more inspiration-lol. I like some Emo, but I'm not an Emo, I don't take it to extremes, just like the "emotional" content of every song, not the band's attitude itself. ROCK ON!