#1
I came up with this song (it is really more of a poem) in about 5 minutes. I didn't really change anything about it. I didn't have a title, and the one I put up is the first thing that popped up in my mind. Thanks for reading. Crit for Crit, all that crap. Leave a link, and I'll check your song out.

I liked to think that modesty
Came easy to me
But now I think that I?m stuck
Up in a tree with
Hammers for hands
And a mirror that I can?t break
Because the hammers fell in love with
The image it creates

Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Jul 15, 2006,
#2
hmmm, i think that if i got it a little better (it doesnt make to much sense to me) then it would be a not bad song, work longer on it
#3
I like it! Short, but it can be expanded on, or just left as is.
Maybe a few word changes though, I'd probably go with something like;


I liked to think that modesty
Came easy to me
But now I feel that I'm stuck
Up a tree with
Hammers for hands
And a mirror I can?t break
Because each hammer falls in love with
The image it creates
#4
Quote by Rian46
I like it! Short, but it can be expanded on, or just left as is.
Maybe a few word changes though, I'd probably go with something like;


I liked to think that modesty
Came easy to me
But now I feel that I'm stuck
Up a tree with
Hammers for hands
And a mirror I can?t break
Because each hammer falls in love with
The image it creates

I actually originally had "a mirror I can't break" but added 'that' in right when I posted it.

I think the way you have written the last two lines make it seem like the hammer is creating the image that it is falling in love with and not the reflection of the mirror. Not that I wrote it much better...

Thanks for the crit you two.
#6
Quote by a-user-name
i like it man... especially the title, that's hilarious. good job

Thanks.

I don't know if I should (or can expand) on this. My shorter pieces are always better than my longer once. I can only squeeze out so many good lines, the rest are just bad and bring the whole piece down.
#8
Thanks a lot. The title was what I first thought of when posting, so I just left it.

Thanks for the crit.
#9
This, contrary to the title, was a good little poem.

The title was very brash and out of place i thought compared to the rest of the poem which was written very well. Also it's completely original so jolly good show for that.

Now there's not a lot of it (which is another good thing, complimenting the style) so i can't pick out much wrong with it, so well done.

Could you have a look at one of mine for me please? Either one, but preferably OAk as i haven't had as many comments as the other one. Cheers.
#10
I agree once more with Caz, with that title you would attract alot of immature replies from posters that do not write, but saying you are a genius for using a title as yours

Onto the piece, I liked everybit, short and sweet, was really good, to be honest, nothing noteworthy to pick out, a good little piece.

No complaints with this.

If you could maybe see this> https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6180829#post6180829 it'd be much appreciated. Thanks.
#11
Quote by DorkusMalorkus
I actually originally had "a mirror I can't break" but added 'that' in right when I posted it.

I think the way you have written the last two lines make it seem like the hammer is creating the image that it is falling in love with and not the reflection of the mirror. Not that I wrote it much better...

Thanks for the crit you two.


You're right, I sort of screwed up the ending. Your original is great, keep it as you had it.
#14
I liked to think that modesty
Came easy to me

jsut a small thing... personally i'd change it to "easily" than "easy" cos easy is kinda incorrect grammar lol. interesting use of the imperfect tense here though, unusual and provoking.

But now I think that I?m stuck
Up in a tree with
Hammers for hands
And a mirror that I can?t break

i really love the "hammers for hands/and a mirror that i can't break" this is very very stylish and good use of the english language and suburban myths. for example, i mean the superstition about it's bad luck to break a mirror... that's the first thing i thought of when i read this, and it's really interesting tot hink about. here you say you can't break the mirror, thus you are meaning to say that yo cannot have bad luck, which is cool in itself because it seems almsot a contradiction to the first line wher you say "now i think that i'm stuck"- cos this seems pessimistic... yet by the end of these 4 lines you have reversed this. i love it.

also, i like the whole "up in the tree" idea. suggests you are hiding? or perhaps looknig down on everyone as they go by their daily lifes, whereas yours is held by these facts already outline. good job here.

Because the hammers fell in love with
The image it creates

now this is perfect. again, connects to the whole "breaking of mirrors = bad luck". love it. a lot. i could write so mcuh about these last 2 lines here, but i don't wanna. the way it sounds is jsut perfect. i feel if i analyse them loads it will kinda ruin the feeling for me lol.

excellent job alex. i love this.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#17
Personally i think its not to shabby I feel like its a verse for some where in the middle of a song. The song would to me seems like some kind of grunge or punk rocker type song to.
Ninjaz get Drunk freak out and kill people all the time and then totally wail on geetarz
#18
Quote by DorkusMalorkus
Thanks a lot Alice! I really love reading your crits. You seem so (genuinely) excited. They are as fun to read as your work! Thanks again, I appreciate the crit.

haha you're welcome. i love to analyse stuff like this =)
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#21
Indeed, very short in sweet, like candy. Makes me laugh, think and go what the hell? at the same time. Kind of reminds me of Louis Carol and Alice in Wonderland. Awesome.

Check it