#1
APOCALYPTIC SAND

I hear the bombs bursting over my head
Crawl under the covers and let them put me to bed
Listening to a lullaby of mortars and lead

A life and death struggle just to earn some bread
Suicidal detonations destroyed the temple where we wed
I laughed with hyenas but never heard a single word they said

Don't let go off my hand
Together we'll trek this apocalyptic sand

This gun of mine paints the desert red
And even the finest of all warriors bled
Dropped their weapons, turned, and fled

The winners are losers and the losers are dead
Yesterday, my own obtituarty I read
Those bombs must've been too close to my head

Don't let go off my hand
Together we'll trek this apocalyptic sand
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 16, 2006,
#3
you have some good images there, but i really got tired of the 'ed' sound after like the second verse. the two line chorus then provided a little break, but the next two verses really needed a different rhyme.

lines one and two probably shouldnt both start with I, it sounds strange. you could just take it out of line two and the line would have the same meaning and it sounds better IMO. line three is probably the best line in the piece, great image there that really enhances the first two lines.

verse two seems like the lines where only put together because you needed rhyming words. they just didnt seem to go together well, which was disapointing because the first three lines fit so well together. line three of verse two is good, but i think that the word 'believed' could be changed. if you change it to 'heard' or 'listened to' i think it has more meaning. your way sounds like they are talking in words, but changing it to 'heard' makes it sound like there was a meaning to the laugh but you couldnt hear it. or at least thats what i think anyway.

chorus is good, i like the word apocalyptic here. it really seems like the right word for the piece and this really lets people know exactly what you are talking about (which im assuming is war in the middle east, Iraq maybe?). one thing, did you mean off or of? i think you meant of, because i dont see how off makes sense.

verse three has ok imagery, but nothing special. just paints more of a picture of the fighting but doesnt really add much. i assume that this part was a transition from a younger speaker (hide in sheets at start) to an older one (fighting). but other than that the verse doesnt really add much, so i really think you should expand upon it.

in verse four, i really like the first line. sounds good and even if it is a bit cliche it works well here. line two just reads awkwardly because of the strange syntax to get the rhyme, which makes the rhyme seem very forced. line three is good, gives a bit more insight to the character and such but i think it could be phrased better.

i think the biggest thing you need to do is change up the rhyme scheme as it really gets obnoxious. from there, other parts need a bit of changing but that can fall into place as you work on the rhyme. please crit my work here if you would.
#4
I don't know crap about writing the lyrics or whatever you wanna call 'em in a song, but I liked that. Very good piece to me.
Quote by snipelfritz
I never thought I'd say this, but Bloody Piss sounds damn good.


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