#1
I can see the critiscm now...

Ah well. Rip into this one with your full weight if you want. Slaughter it. I like it, personally, but I think I now what you lot are going to bring up and say

Honesty is the best policy though. Go for it.

LEAVE A LINK if you want me to comment on one of your pieces

Enjoy


I'm alive without an animator
Held up with no motivator
Got my map without a designator
Out of gas where's my generator

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

Got a dream but my visions hazy
I'm trying so please don't phase me
Pulling weights so I don't go crazy
Set the scene just like Scorsese

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up

Call out my name
Tell me where I'm heading for
Call out my name
Tell me what I'm playing for
Call out my name
Tell me that I'm needing more
Call out my name

Going strong I find the cat's eyes
Picked a path I hope you despise
Gone alone packed full my supplies
Won the race so I won the prize

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up

Call out my name
Tell me where I'm heading for
Call out my name
Tell me what I'm playing for
Call out my name
Tell me that I'm needing more
Call out my name

And Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up
Lights me up
#3
I didn't really like these lines:

Out of gas where's my generator
Set the scene just like Scorsese

The flow of them, didn't seem to work as well with the rest of those verses.

It wasn't the most original thing, I've read, but definitely more original than a lot of things that people are writing these days. A good job overall.
#4
I really didn't like the rhyming, you can do so much better than this... Especially the stanza's which had an AAAA rhyme pattern, it sounds way too forced. It really sounds like a modern day pop song, I don't know if that is what you were going for though. On the bright side, it was original and had good flow.

If you want to crit mine, the link is in my sig.
#7
Overall it was enjoyable. I think ScarredFaith was right about the Sub' Home' Blues.

The only problem was that there was disrupted flow at various points. The third stanza seemed to have more syllables.

Kind of in-your-face approach jammy. I liked it.
#8
Wow, thanks didn't feel that this would get positive feedback, even tough I enjoyed writing this and I'm personally happy with the end product, I thought the rhyming would be disliked and everyone tell me I've got a bit of "Ant-Kiedis" syndrome

But wow, thanks alot.
#9
Quote by Jammydude44
Wow, thanks didn't feel that this would get positive feedback, even tough I enjoyed writing this and I'm personally happy with the end product, I thought the rhyming would be disliked and everyone tell me I've got a bit of "Ant-Kiedis" syndrome

But wow, thanks alot.


no prob, personally i like the ant-kiedis syndrome.. despite how bad some of the rhymes are (like in "around the world)... it always makes for a good song to groove to, if you can come up with decent music to back it up, and deliver it decently it'll be sweet IMO...
#10
Yeh I'll probably get osme music up for it somewhen..

Anymore critiques please, I'd love to hear some more opinions on this piece..

I'm crit for crit, just leave a link.
#11
hey man
i like the rhyming, like the words, this is a real good piece.
unlike the rest i like the AAAA scheme, just rhyme like youre a rapper man.
everyone says i write 'emo rap' because i rhyme a lot, its cool.
loved it man.
#12
Quote by Jammydude44

I'm alive without an animator
Held up with no motivator
Got my map without a designator
Out of gas where's my generator

That rhyming scheme was a bit iffy - as I got closer to the end it, in all honesty, became tiring - although the words you used weren't that bad.

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

Nice little refrain/interluse/take your pick. You kept the syllable count the same for both lines whihc helps immensely when it's just two lines.

Got a dream but my visions hazy
I'm trying so please don't phase me
Pulling weights so I don't go crazy
Set the scene just like Scorsese

That Scorsese line, although good, seems a little like you couldn't find another rhyme so you thought of a famous person and ended up with him. Although it appears to work, it's not the best way to go about writing - although I'm only assuming that that's what you did.

Where to go...go so slow

Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up

Pretty standard sappy luvvy stanza. Nothing really stands out; nothing really detracts from the meaning.

Call out my name
Tell me where I'm heading for
Call out my name
Tell me what I'm playing for
Call out my name
Tell me that I'm needing more
Call out my name

You've got away with rhyming "for" with itself by rhyming the preceding word of each "for". Come to think of it, you've done it with all three, so it looks as if that was intentional, so well done with that respect.

Going strong I find the cat's eyes
Picked a path I hope you despise
Gone alone packed full my supplies
Won the race so I won the prize

That last line doesn't have enough syllables; it creates an unnatural lengthening in the words "I won" - for me anyway. Apart from that, a good stanza.


Where to go...go so slow

Straight away you...lights me up

Call out my...out my name

And Straight...Lights me up


It wasn't a bad song, per se, but it wasn't that memorable either. The rhyming was driving me insane by the end of it.
#13
I'm a little divided on this one.
While the contemporary radio-song feel makes me nauseous, I also realize that this is spot-on for the style...

Opinions aside:
1) AAAA is murderous... except for in this style. I'd normal complain, but, honestly, it gives the delivery and flow an extra kick, which is perfect for your high-energy-type song. My only criticism here is that some of your rhymes are forced, as they seem disconnected from the rest of the verse's message. The "set the scene..." line, especially, is guilty of smelling o' force.
2) I really thought more internal rhyming might just kick it into overdrive - I'm not sure if it'd come off being too much, but my suggestion is to try it and see if that compounds the energy of the song.
3) It's simple, but that actually works. What does need to be sharpened is the voice. Again, some of the imagery is disjointed from the greater picture, which gives the voice this omniscient feel (and voice ought to be limited to "mortals only", in that sense).
4) Maybe, just maybe, tweak and slip in some more "loaded" words - the ones with connotations that make an informed audience member smirk, 'cause you've gotten sneaky with your words... It works for the better quality pop-ish lyricists, at least (make the song so it wears a mask well - I suppose I should say).
#14
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
hey man
i like the rhyming, like the words, this is a real good piece.
unlike the rest i like the AAAA scheme, just rhyme like youre a rapper man.
everyone says i write 'emo rap' because i rhyme a lot, its cool.
loved it man.

yeah man, its not a cool or original rhyme scheme but i agree that it works, nice song
#15
look, i like it, but its so repeatitive...and for a while it just sounds like you randomly put ryhming words together lol....you could kick some anal if you put some better words to replace lame ones and then broke it up a little to stop the repeatative thing....but other than that, great man
keep on keepin on!
UG's HIPPIE
#16
its like hard core- metal sounding right? it would sound best liek that....
UG's HIPPIE
#18
Hey Jammy been gone for a while, im bored and feel like full critting i havent read the other comments though so i may just be repeating what they said but oh well.
Quote by Jammydude44
I can see the critiscm now...

Ah well. Rip into this one with your full weight if you want. Slaughter it. I like it, personally, but I think I now what you lot are going to bring up and say

Honesty is the best policy though. Go for it.

LEAVE A LINK if you want me to comment on one of your pieces

Enjoy


I'm alive without an animator
Held up with no motivator
Got my map without a designator
Out of gas where's my generator

bleh aaaa boring. 3rd line is worst out of all 4. its just... not a good way to start.

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

i dont like the repeat in the second line here. Maybe phrase it where to go when you run so slow or something like that but id change "go" (second one.)

Got a dream but my visions hazy
I'm trying so please don't phase me
Pulling weights so I don't go crazy
Set the scene just like Scorsese

mmkay. last line ... doesnt work in my opinion especially cause if u havent heard of scorsese your not going to be able to pronounce it and it ruins flow. of course you would be saying it if this is a song, but as reading it as a poem thats how i feel.

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up

kinda like the repition thing. but i dont like the second line it hurts the flow of the piece.

Call out my name
Tell me where I'm heading for
Call out my name
Tell me what I'm playing for
Call out my name
Tell me that I'm needing more
Call out my name

Going strong I find the cat's eyes
Picked a path I hope you despise
Gone alone packed full my supplies
Won the race so I won the prize

best stanza here id just change the way you phrased line 3. Gone alone packed all my supplies or something i just dont like 'full'

Where to go when you just don't know
Where to go when you go so slow

Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up

Call out my name
Tell me where I'm heading for
Call out my name
Tell me what I'm playing for
Call out my name
Tell me that I'm needing more
Call out my name

And Straight away you know how to tell me
With your eyes you comfort my story
Your fire from inside lights me up
Your fire lights me up
Lights me up


whee fun fun. Have a nice day

-Mike

red_hotguitarod
Registered User

Join Date: Jun 2006

dude good plz crit mine some body its called the one

dont post crits like that... spamming up someone elses thread begging for crits... "dude good" doesnt cut it help him out a lil bit. just dont do that, its rather rude.

"boyscouts stare at starlit skies" in my sig if your returning
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 18, 2006,
#19
Thanks to all who've posted, especially Daemonika, Paraboetheo and Trig, I most likely agree with all your comments, so thanks.
#20
that out of gas, wheres my generator part didnt make sence. it sounds like you rushed yourself while writing the lyrics. take some more time and revise them when youre in the mood to write again. forcing yourself to write is a really bad thing, so just do it when it happenes to strike your mood.

as a suggestion-- when you get a few really good lines in your head, but you dont have anything else for the song, write it down in a black notebook. the black brings out your subconcious mind, and enables you to write without thinking about distracting things. it gets to the meaning, and you can go back later and re word it. then, when you feel like writting again, but dont know where to start, you can use the already written stuff as a guide, and finish the song.

can you rate mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=396196
:stickpoke It's Alive! AHHHHHHH!!!!
pac-man ate my stash


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#21
Quote by a-user-name
haha.. i like the scorsese line... are you going for a chili peppers type song? cause it seems like it... if so, I think it's cool... good job.

Indeed, it has a Chilis vibe, but obviously the songwriting isn't as good. Keep working on it.


Crit the song in my sig, please!
#22
the out of gas part didnt really make sense, but the flow of the whole song is really good. It kinda has a RHCP ring to it, but thats just me, but some of the lines seem forced to be included.

Nice overall, but a few bad things.

If you have time can you crit mine? the links in my sig

thx
#23
Quote by MastaBassist10
Indeed, it has a Chilis vibe, but obviously the songwriting isn't as good. Keep working on it.


Mmm, sorry, but that does not warrant a crit back. And really, Ant Kiedis and good songwriting? I love the chilis, they are my favourite band, but even I know when songwriting is good or not.

AAA I'l be right back, as usual, thanks.
#24
yeh man, i fouind the funkeh, pretty awesome, get some music and that could be rreally amazingly good

crit my song, link in my sig
PSN: Noverion