#1
I've been getting more into mythology lately.

Boots of Mercury

Jupiter can?t stop me,
With Vulcan at my side,
The sins of our fathers,
Aren?t the sins of you and I.

My Pandora,
Dooming us; so sweet,
And the restorer,
Bandaging hope?s feet.

By raiding the secrets,
And stealing the fire,
We found our weakness,
In our untamed desires.

My Pandora,
The seeds of corruption,
In this horror,
Mount Olympus eruption.

By the boots of Mercury,
I will not let you die,
With precision and haste,
I?ll pull the spear from your eye,
Rushing to my rescue,
Through the heavens? guard,
By the boots of Mercury,
And by Venus? heart.

Saturn my enemy,
An ally to the end,
Of death, sea and air,
Time will defend.

By the boots of Mercury,
I will not let you die,
With precision and haste,
I?ll pull the spear from your eye,
Rushing to my rescue,
Through the heavens? guard,
By the boots of Mercury,
And by Venus? heart.

Fulgurator, have mercy,
Tonans, have shame,
Optimus and maximus,
One and the same.

Pandora; my hatred,
Pandora; my scar,
Venus; my lover,
Lover of Mars.
Quote by Mascot
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#2
1) The flow seems a bit off. Consonance or assonance, maybe some sound pictures, might help.

2) There's a problem in the imagery in that there's simple too much allusion. You're pinning almost the entirety of your character imagery on the ideas evoked by mentioning a Roman deity. Allusion is best used as device, not as a thing in the fore-front.

3) The allusion ought to be more than simply dropping a name - there's some mythology here, but it feels too much like a catalogue of Latinized Greek gods. Include the whole picture - your imagery should match the attitudes and actions of the gods you use.
#3
This isn't allusion, this is literally about Pandora, but the untold tale that I devised.
Quote by Mascot
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#4
Some of that's still allusion, technically, but I'm not going to split hairs.

In that case, you need to develop your characters in the context presented. As it is, I'm expecting the pantheon merely to be as it it - if you're devising a new plot, then there needs to be some explanation as to why each god both is appearing in the piece and as to the attitudes of the character. Especially with the Greco-Romans, attitude is almost everything with the gods' interaction with other characters.
#6
That would rather defeat the purpose, no?

In the narrative style, if it becomes an urge of the poet to explain the story, it's probably best to just go ahead and clarify in verse. So far as the narrative aspects, I'd certainly say that most readers really wouldn't have too much of an idea of what's going on (I certainly know that a couple of the lines could be played in so many different directions, that it would be impossible to understand how it plays a part in the overall story).