#1
I wrote this piece, coming out of a little writer's block. This piece's meaning is obvious, but still tell me what you believe is the meaning, what I need to improve on and all that jazz. I didn't use a thesaurus for once and I used rhyming in the verses. crit for crit and enjoy...

Now, Now, Child please don?t fret
Go play on your Styrofoam slide,
Next to the synthetic swing set
Open up your porcelain eyes
Precious, we painted your world
To protect you, now realize

This is all a façade

The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated ?G?
Never mind the obscurity,
This false sense of protection

Quit dressing life?s window
With pearl coated prizes
You're setting out a welcome mat
in front of an opium wasteland
Only to throw it all away.

Cast it all away

The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated ?G?
Never mind the obscurity,
This false sense of protection

Now, Now, Child don?t be scared,
Go sleep in your marshmallow bed
Next to the silicate statuette
Soon, apples will turn deep red,
And, you will walk out into the world,
Unknown and undefined,

Your childhood is a façade
Last edited by DanteR* at Dec 22, 2006,
#3
Now, Now, Child please don?t fret
Go play on your Styrofoam slide,
Next to the synthetic swing set
Open up your porcelain eyes
Precious, we painted your world
To protect you, now realize

personally... i would pluralise "child" to "children"... i dunno it just feels betetr to me. as if you're like addressing the whole of 'em rather than like just a single one yknow. generalisation. lovely meaning though. you really convey this feeling of protectionism and love of a parent very well here. good stuff.

This is all a façade

The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated ?G?
Never mind the obscurity,
This false sense of protection

i lvoe the single line injection of "this is all a facade". being on it's own relaly emphasises it's point =)
i don't know american or whatever ratings, so like... what is "G" ?
ooh and the alst line is very interestiung... a "false sense of protection" eh? this looks as though it's going to devlop further...

Quit dressing life?s window
With pearl coated prizes
Only to discard it in a
Zip-lock sandwich bag

this is really cool, but it doens't feel finished. i mean, you started off this piece with a longer stanza and now you're into 4 liners. this stanza i feel could be developed so much more, it seems kinda hasty and unexapnded upon as it stands... so maybe pad it out? don't get me wrong, the lyriczz are ace, and the imagery and ideas are truly amazing, but something doens't feel right yknow

The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated ?G?
Never mind the obscurity,
This false sense of protection

i could only repeat ehre what i said above and i cba to copy and paste hehe

Now, Now, Child don?t be scared,
Go sleep in your marshmallow bed
Next to the silicone statue
Soon, apples will turn deep red,
And, you will walk out into the world,
Unknown and undefined,

Your childhood is a façade

omg i love the "Next to the silicone statue/Soon, apples will turn deep red" that is amaazing lol. it really is. it displays such a feeling of innocence and childhood. yet it also strangely reminds me of snow white and the seven dwarves, yknow when she ate the apple. but yknow that jsut links back to the theme of a child's protection by a parent yknow

really lovely closing stanza here to a really great piece. i definitely enjoyed this a lot. good job
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
Quote by DanteR*

Now, Now, Child please don?t fret
Go play on your Styrofoam slide,
Next to the synthetic swing set
Open up your porcelain eyes
Precious, we painted your world
To protect you, now realize

Some good use of alliteration. "Porcelain eyes" seems to be used a lot lately, so I don't know whether you can change that to something else but keep the meaning.

This is all a façade

The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated ?G?
Never mind the obscurity,
This false sense of protection

A good stanza, rhythm-wise anyway; it's too American so I can't really give a constructive comment.

Quit dressing life?s window
With pearl coated prizes
Only to discard it in a
Zip-lock sandwich bag

As Alice said, this is a good stanza but it could've been so much more. I like the way you use an everyday item and use it in a metaphor in such a way. Good job.

The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated ?G?
Never mind the obscurity,
This false sense of protection

Now, Now, Child don?t be scared,
Go sleep in your marshmallow bed
Next to the silicone statue

Soon, apples will turn deep red,
And, you will walk out into the world,
Unknown and undefined,

Good final stanza. Great alliteration and the commas inside the lines make it sound like it really is speech instead of lines in a song.


Your childhood is a façade


Overall, a very good song. A very deep meaning to it as well. Just that stanza half-way through could've made the song so much better.
#5
"Zip-lock sandwich bag"

now i feel like a sandwich, well, like having one...
#6
Ok. My first note is something I'll mug shamelessly from Dante:
My suggestion is to change the quality of diction. You have an angst going, in the mocking sense, of the childhood portion of the piece. This is fine, but there's certainly room to improve and deepen. So, my suggestion: childhood diction ought to be fluffy, bright, even sound disgustingly "nice" - more than just the adjectives. This, then, would be juxaposted next to the "real world" (that apples metaphor was great, by the way), in which the words would be much more harsh. There's some of this apparent, but I'd really like to see it kicked up a notch. To use the example, Dante's Inferno: he goes from higher verse to "****" and colloquisms as he goes down the layers - as such, the quality of diction is in stark difference.

Point duo:
"The FCC?s your father,
The world is now rated 'G'"
Something about these lines irks me. They're just too... angst-alicious? Hmm... they seem out of place, in comparison, to the quality of childhood presented in the rest of the piece - where you paint this very personal, direct picture of before, now you've broadened the scope to the US government's regulatory standards... I suppose there isn't anything bad about this, per se, but I just thought the more "personal" childhood in the verses was more intriguing (it kind of gave that blinding sense that, as the reader, you only saw what the child saw, but with the understanding of an adult).

And, finally: Switch up your syntax. The vast majority of the lines have structures that are extremely similar.
#7
I like the metaphors, but they seem to become too redundant. Zip-lock sandwich bag? That's pushing it...

But it's a unique topic, and that's a definate plus. It was well written, and interesting to read. It also made me think.... And I can't say I agree with you on everything as far is the point you are trying to make... but that's a different story...

All in all, I actually quite liked it. 8/10.

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6193722#post6193722
#8
i thought this stanza was rather plain compared to the others and it just seemed rather out of place


Quit dressing life?s window
With pearl coated prizes
Only to discard it in a
Zip-lock sandwich bag

rest was fairly good though if i were to point out the next worst thing it would probably be the fcc part and rated "g"

not much else to say

-Mike
#9
great song, man. i totally share your beliefs. i dont see why adults have to cushion children and hide the world from them.
#10
I didn't like the FCC stanza. It robs the piece of a certain amount of universality and timelessness, I think...?
I don't think the "quit" in "quit dressing life's window" is well-suited to the tone of the poem. Quit seems too colloquial. For some reason "garbage bag" strikes me the same way, too. Might just be me though :\

Everything, especially the last stanza, was brilliant. Nice work. Red Apples line was the highlight for me. Enjoyable stuff. I got a piece in my sig if you're interested! Cheers, Ro
ρ
#11
I really liked this song. I thought the rhyming scheme was well written and the subject matter was presented superbly. Keep up the good work. By the way, what kind of song would this be?

Crit mine please

The Infestation
#12
Thanks Guys, i'll crit those pretty soon. I already wrote the song for like an acoustic rock style. hopefully i'll be posting a new piece soon, haven't felt inspired but much lately.
#13
I like it a lot, though I had to look up the FCC and what G rated means, since I live in the UK... that almost ruins the 'universal-ness' of the song a little, but it's only a minor gripe and it doesn't do much to tarnish an otherwise awesome song. Good work!
#14
I really really like this. I like every part a lot except for the lines Hefty garbage bag. Just sort of took me away for some reason. The only other suggestio is that instead of stutue make it statuette, it sounds more fragile and feminine. That or make it Silicate. or both. Very very nice

Crit mine if you have time, the themes are slightly similar in ours https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jul 29, 2006,
#15
well i like your avatar and the song was pretty good it just seems like your infatuated with the word facade, like you just learnt it or something, you even copy and pasted it from somewhere so itd have the little seriff thing.