#1
meh. leave links. thanks.

"our future as ghosts"

as ghosts we serenade through exhalations;
romantic sighs coincide but we pass on good-byes,
and you just disenchant these informal proposals.

so we sashay through these desolate alleyways,
where we waste our breath and perish, but you won't notice.

eventually we'll all be ghosts.

silhouettes of memories to those that matter most,
but our humble, yet insecure lives are disposed.

we'll never live for nothing.
and that's how we are remembered.

eventually we're all ghosts.
eventually we're all ghosts.
eventually we all are.
nothing.
#2
I like the part -"silhouettes of memories to those that matter most,
but our humble, yet insecure lives are disposed."

The last part - "eventually we're all ghosts.
eventually we're all ghosts.
eventually we all are.
nothing."
Is that the chorus part or the outro, i think it sounds better if you make it the chorus.
Keep writing...
#3
You keep the message clear and consistant here. While reading, I felt that some of the longer words disrupted the flow a lot. Maybe.

I didn't like the ending really. Too plain for me, and probably too many full stops as well.

The general tone seems very bitter, and overall you don't see to have found your usual spark of creativity, but it was still interesting.
#4
keeno, this is good, but it's lacking meaning. i don't get a feel of inspiration or meaning when i'm reading this. the words you use are all very imagery (imageful? i dunno lol) and sound good, but there's no meaning behind it, least not that i can feel. it's very similar to a lot of your other pieces, and i just can't really get into this piece at all. sorry
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
I liked the writing for the most part, except that last stanza, which I felt was too plain and lacked any real feeling. But the main problem, that others have mentioned, is the fact that this seems to lack any real emotion, any sort of spark that seems to connect to me emotionally. It all kind of feels slightly forced just so that it has nice imagery instead of really powerful statements.

I dunno. It was nice writing, but lacked that something extra that carried the feeling through to the reader.


If you want to > https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395087
#6
Oddly enough, both are new pieces have ghosts and sillouhetes in them...Hmmm.
nice to know you still exist Keeno, and you flowery ass writing **** does too.

But seriously man, this is a great piece that is soooo classic Keeno. I really love the ending in particular, I think maybe the second stanza could use more clarity, just as to exactly who 'you' is or anything like that. I'm not really sure though how I can criticize this, seeing as I loved it almost as much as I loved that drowning one you did a while back. Nice to work.

Could you check out mine? It's a piece called "Dead or Dreaming"

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395671
#7
Thank you all, I appreciate the feedback. I don't think I'll end up revising this at all, it was just an idea that meant a little bit to me that I worked with, guess it didn't turn out too well. Oh well. Thanks again, love you all.
#8
I like it and i agree with all the above comments apart from the ones that don't like the ending. The forth stanza made me feel weird for some reason.

What inspired you to write this anyway?
#9
hey, good to see you back.

this wasn't your best piece ever, not at all to be honest. like other people said, it lacks emotion. i didn't like the big words, they didn't give the piece any meaning nor emotion.. i felt that i was reading words without anything behind them, without any meaning.
but! i'm sure that you'll be able to write better pieces with a good meaning like you used to write. i could really see that this piece came from you, you still have your own style, but it just lacked something.. good luck for the next piece!


can you do mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393814
tnq
#11
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
i like it.... great concept of life man....keep on keepin on

You little ass-whipe. I've seen you say that exact same thing on like three people's songs. You're not reading their pieces, and you are just trying to get crits on yours. **** off, you selfish bastard.

Nobody crit his songs.
#13
to me its a stab at modern society.
we will all be dead and ghosts one day.
i thought it was pretty cool, but the last stanza is kind of typical.
good work though