#1
Poem: Crit for crit, et cetera.

The dark figure moves in the haze of her delirium
Receding over the sick-green horizon
Waving on the artificial oceans of nausea
Holding out a trembling hand, she tries to reach the shadow
But it?s just out of reach
And the shadow doesn't reach back

She pulls at the fang embedded in her arm
But it saps her strength from her
An angel in white calms her nerves
The distorted seraph whisks away and disappears
Into that emerald ether

She lays again once more in her stupor
Muttering to herself and thinking Dalían thoughts
Gently rocking, closing her eyes
Wishing for her friends to comfort her
In this time of need


EDIT: First stanza restructured.
Last edited by Dæmönika at Jul 17, 2006,
#2
Quote by Dæmönika
Poem: Crit for crit, et cetera.


The dark figure moves in the haze of her delirium
Waving on the artificial oceans of sickness
Holding out a trembling hand, she tries to reach the shadow
But it?s just out of reach
And it doesn?t reach for her
Receding over the sick-green horizon

I didn't like the words "Sick" and "Sickness" so close together... I would find a synonym there. Line 5 kind of read wierd, but I could make sense of it. I think line 5 should be the last line, It sounds better if you take the last line and move it next to the second line, but as I said before... you should find a synonym for "sickness"

She pulls at the fang embedded in her arm
But it saps her strength from her
An angel in white calms her nerves
The distorted seraph whisks away and disappears
Into that emerald ether

This stanza has beautiful imagery. I can't think of anything to change.

She lays again once more in her stupor
Muttering to herself and thinking Dalían thoughts
Gently rocking, closing her eyes
Wishing for her friends to comfort her
In this time of need

Beautiful ending... nothing to change.


I loved alot of the imagery and diction. Most of all the revising needs to be done to the first stanza. The two other stanzas were perfect. Good Job.

Please Crit Mine, The link is in my sig.
#3
Yup, agree with the above.

The last two stanzas were probably some of the nicest and best writing I may have seen you from since I've been around here. The Imagery is brilliant and it alls reads well. I only have problems with the first stanza, but DanteR has taken care of that... the only other thing in that stanza was the three repeats of "reach", but I suppose they are there to reinforce the point.

So, yeh, Great stuff.

If you want > https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395087
#4
Cheers to both of you. I got the idea from another poem I read recently, although the name and author both escape me. I only know that the author was Scottish.

For the synonyms of sickness, I've "narrowed" my choices down to disorder, malady, and nausea. Any help from you two or anyone else would be appreciated, just so I can have an external point of view.

I'll change the first stanza around once I've done this.

I shall get to both of yours in about an hour, hopefully. If not then I'll have them done by midnight.
#7
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Robert Burns is the most famous Scottish poet. Was it him?



No, much more modern. I think he may still be alive. I've remembered the name of the poem and it's Visiting Hour.

DanteR*, since you're the only one to say so, I'll change it to nausea, thanking you very much.

PS. After doing a quick google search, the author of Visiting Hour is Norman McCaig.


Poem
Wiki Article
#8
Hmm... I rather do fancy that poem.

But - your poem!

Alrighty. The first stanza immediately runs into flow problems. In the immortal words of Joseph II: "too many notes." The syllable count is rather high in the first couple lines in relation to the amount of instances of consonance, assonance, or simply sounds that blend nicely together. I think "artificial ocean", actually, is the first combination of sounds that works quite well with each other. So, smooth it. The rest of the poem flows better - except for the "but" at the beginning of the second line in the second stanza, and then the line that follows that. The plosive "but" breaks up the flow, which reveals too many "her"s in the almost parallel syntax... It also slows down the sense of time, which, from the tone of the stanza, ought to be a thing of furiousness. The line that follows, in my opinion, juts out too much as a complete thought that's almost repeated in the line that follows it - maybe play with the syntax to have it overflow into the next line, making that whole section more fluid.

I rather like the cohesion of the imagery and the consistent voice... I suppose, I'd say that, perhaps, adding more of a real element to the piece might satisfy the imagery more completely... Maybe just to give the metaphors more strength and give the audience more visions to draw correlations between the real and the metaphorical.
#9
Thank you, I'll look into the diction and make the necessary changes. I don't really know what to do concerning the multiple "hers". That stanza was not supposed to have a heavy tone; I want the whole poem to be melancholic.