#1
New kind of style try for me, hope it all goes well because i certainly like it. Crit for crit, if you are interested. Enjoy


Every night when I lay my head these silhouettes won?t let me rest
They toss and turn into my dreams they make me see they?re good enough for me
They catch themselves within the brook that handles my hair and cuddles my books
With words and phrases that I don?t mean and imperfect conceptions of the birds and the bees

And every night in my dreams these little vermin run around
Making sounds and going down in history as one of the scariest sights in town

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of love
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s no one you can trust

Every room across the earth is colored the same shade of s.hit
And all the children from Juno to Perth are convinced that ghosts don?t exist
Well you try falling for a moving target, a girl who dates in the grocery market
A derailed train insane in the brain with a passionate kiss to make a couch a tryst
And then you?ll see that ghosts are real and monsters too can make you feel
Sometimes and somewhere, somehow and someway
These little thoughts will escape on a subway
And jump aboard a suicide car soon to enter your head and exit my heart
This is what was determined right from the start when I kissed her on the cheek and I kissed her hard

And every night in my dreams these fairies wave their wands
Making fantasies out of wishes and skyscrapers out of swamps

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of death
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s only false living left


thanks for reading .
Last edited by LOOKtheskyfell! at Jul 17, 2006,
#2
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
New kind of style try for me, hope it all goes well because i certainly like it. Crit for crit, if you are interested. Enjoy


Every night when I lay my head these silhouettes won?t let me rest
They toss and turn into my dreams they make me see they?re good enough for me
They catch themselves within the brook that handles my hair and cuddles my books
With words and phrases that I don?t mean and imperfect conceptions of the birds and the bees

And every night in my dreams these little vermin run around
Making sounds and going down in history as one of the scariest sights in town

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of love
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s no one you can trust

Every room across the earth is colored the same shade of s.hit
And all the children from Juno to Perth are convinced that ghosts don?t exist
Well you try falling for a moving target, a girl who dates in the grocery market
A derailed train insane in the brain with a passionate kiss to make a couch a tryst
And then you?ll see that ghosts are real and monsters too can make you feel
Sometimes and somewhere, somehow and someway
These little thoughts will escape on a subway
And jump aboard a suicide car soon to enter your head and exit my heart
This is what was determined right from the start when I kissed her on the cheek and I kissed her hard

And every night in my dreams these fairies wave their wands
Making fantasies out of wishes and skyscrapers out of swamps

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of love
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s no one you can trust


thanks for reading .

Must I say, this is a beauty. I love the mood you set, and the imagry definitely appeals to me. You are quite talented! Record this! I would love to hear it!
#4
Wow.

The big thing that sticks out at me is the deep imagery that you convey. Very well done.

Every room across the earth is colored the same shade of shit
And all the children from Juno to Perth are convinced that ghosts don?t exist


That phrase there just kicks ass, I love that.

What kind of song is this anyway? Soft? Hard rock? Country?

The only thing that bugs me is the rhyming scheme you have set up in it. Of course I could be reading it wrong, too. I'm talking about the fourth stanza. I'm not digging it much. If you decide to put this to a song, I would definately like to hear your interpretation of it.
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit. This was a very beautiful piece you wrote here. The language was absolutely superb. I really enjoyed reading it. Keep it up, man.
#6
Let me preface this crit by saying that this is an amazing piece, and I love it, so what I write is going to be nit picky

Every night when I lay my head these silhouettes won?t let me rest
They toss and turn into my dreams they make me see they?re good enough for me
They catch themselves within the brook that handles my hair and cuddles my books
With words and phrases that I don?t mean and imperfect conceptions of the birds and the bees


I felt that the use of "me" twice is the same line was a bit awkward. The 3rd line isn't as strong as the others, but it is interesting. And the last line is just great.


And every night in my dreams these little vermin run around
Making sounds and going down in history as one of the scariest sights in town

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of love
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s no one you can trust

Those two stanzas are great, nothing wrong with them

Every room across the earth is colored the same shade of shit
And all the children from Juno to Perth are convinced that ghosts don?t exist
Well you try falling for a moving target, a girl who dates in the grocery market
A derailed train insane in the brain with a passionate kiss to make a couch a tryst
And then you?ll see that ghosts are real and monsters too can make you feel

Everything here is great, but I think that the second line is a little too long. I don't know the significance of 'From juno to perth' but I might make it shorter by taking that out and putting 'the children are still convinced...". Just a suggestion. I didn't really like insane and brain too much either, but it works

Sometimes and somewhere, somehow and someway
These little thoughts will escape on THE subway
And jump aboard a suicide car soon to enter your head and exit my heart
This is what was determined right from the start when I kissed her on the cheek and I kissed her hard


I think I would change 'enter' to 'drive into' to keep the car/subway theme going. Other than that, and the change I made in bold, this is just as great and strong as the rest of it.

And every night in my dreams these fairies wave their wands
Making fantasies out of wishes and skyscrapers out of swamps

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of death
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s only false living left

I love the first one, and the second one is just a good as the last, with the small change.


Good Job. I really like it! One of my favorites since I came back, as well.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Jul 17, 2006,
#7
beautiful i must say, very well written, really puts a pciture in your head, loved it ;D

crit4cri?, links in my sig
PSN: Noverion
#8
Thanks everyone.
My name is Ben, by the way, for those of you that don't know.
I think I got to everyone's piece, if I didn't, just let me know.
#9

Every night when I lay my head these silhouettes won?t let me rest
They toss and turn into my dreams they make me see they?re good enough for me
They catch themselves within the brook that handles my hair and cuddles my books
With words and phrases that I don?t mean and imperfect conceptions of the birds and the bees

the onlyyy thing i don't relaly like here is the "cuddles my books" it's all cute and stuff but i don't tihnk it sounds very good baby. this whole thing is b-e-a-uutiful though.

And every night in my dreams these little vermin run around
Making sounds and going down in history as one of the scariest sights in town

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of love
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s no one you can trust

this is awesome. i love what you're saying here, and you express it soo sooo well. perfectt. i especially love this last line "because when you're dead or dreaming..." i love how you incorporate "dead" and "dreaming" altogether, like there's no difference. maybe this suggests that when one is dreaming you may as well be dead. because you are not awake to live and love? omg i love this piece.

Every room across the earth is colored the same shade of s.hit
And all the children from Juno to Perth are convinced that ghosts don?t exist
Well you try falling for a moving target, a girl who dates in the grocery market
A derailed train insane in the brain with a passionate kiss to make a couch a tryst
And then you?ll see that ghosts are real and monsters too can make you feel

i broke this into 2 bits hehe so i can do each bit.
i love the "try falling for a moving target; a girl who dates in the grocery market" that is a really interesting and different way of expressing it. alsoooo the last line rocks. i lvoe the internal rhyming there. the "monsters" and repitition of "ghosts" represents maybe a childhood perspective... or at least a view of the world with a light-humoured mind, i mean... someone who doesn't take **** too seriously yknow?

Sometimes and somewhere, somehow and someway
These little thoughts will escape on a subway
And jump aboard a suicide car soon to enter your head and exit my heart
This is what was determined right from the start when I kissed her on the cheek and I kissed her hard

mmhmmm IMO here... the 2nd line has one too many syllables, and the flow is a little uneven when i readd it. i'd suggest summat like "these little thoughts escape on a subway". or something. i dunnoo. again lvoely internal rhymnig and shizz towards the end. and it's so cute. i lvoe it.

And every night in my dreams these fairies wave their wands
Making fantasies out of wishes and skyscrapers out of swamps

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of death
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s only false living left
omgomg i lvoe that 2nd line. "making fantasies out of wishes and skyscrapes out of swamps". omg it's so awesome. it's just like... i dunno... perfect representation of the world today i guesss. i love it.
the alst couplet is very well structured, lovely linking back to earlier in the piece yet the slight change and, well, infact it's a direct juxtapositioning with earlier, and it works so well. gosh this rocks. you should post ehre more cos i miss your stuff

goood job
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#11
lol thanks Alice
you should get AIM, or at least tell me how to sign up for MSN

thanks bunches, and yeah, im officially back so youll be seeing a lot more from me.
#12
i might get AIM someday... but nto now cos i'm installing programs and stuff and my computer is sloww
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#14
thanks man.
i didnt even know this song of the week thing existed, i was scrolling up and down the page for a sec going 'wtf is my poem?!'
lol thanks guys.
#16
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!


Every night when I lay my head these silhouettes won?t let me rest
They toss and turn into my dreams they make me see they?re good enough for me
They catch themselves within the brook that handles my hair and cuddles my books
With words and phrases that I don?t mean and imperfect conceptions of the birds and the bees

i had to read the last sentence twice to get the flow right, but i guess that's just me. i like this, you saw it's a new style, but it reads a lot like your older pieces. the flow is amazing, and the internal rhymes are just great; i really love your subtle rhyming! really good use of imagery here, great descriptions and all.

And every night in my dreams these little vermin run around
Making sounds and going down in history as one of the scariest sights in town
Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of love
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s no one you can trust

i thought the flow in the second line was a bit off. rhyming is once again great. i don't know if i like the word 'vermin', it broke the atmosphere a bit for me. but overall, great stanza

Every room across the earth is colored the same shade of s.hit
And all the children from Juno to Perth are convinced that ghosts don?t exist
Well you try falling for a moving target, a girl who dates in the grocery market
A derailed train insane in the brain with a passionate kiss to make a couch a tryst
And then you?ll see that ghosts are real and monsters too can make you feel
Sometimes and somewhere, somehow and someway
These little thoughts will escape on a subway
And jump aboard a suicide car soon to enter your head and exit my heart
This is what was determined right from the start when I kissed her on the cheek and I kissed her hard

i'm not too fond of the '****' in the first line. what you're saying in this verse is simply amazing, especially how you say it, with the flow and the rhymes and all. damn, this is great stuff

And every night in my dreams these fairies wave their wands
Making fantasies out of wishes and skyscrapers out of swamps

Then every day when I wake up, I smell the scent of death
Because when you?re dead or dreaming, there?s only false living left

amazing, can't really say much more..





i loved this. true, there were some minor things that i didn't like, but hell, forget about that, you've got yourself a great, even fantastic poem! it's good to see that you're back, i'll sure keep an eye out for your new stuff!

can you do mine? tnq
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393814

#17
thanks.
yeah, i was hoping it kept the same style i guess of the older pieces, but with a more mature sense...i dunno, i think ive improved

getting to yours right now...
#18
I was going to crit you, but whatever I wanted to say is really minor and wouldnt really change the piece much if you left it in or took it out. This is one of your better pieces for sure though, and your flow is great. Even when you left out some lines, you countered...it was quite a good read.

Glad to see you back, as Ive said before.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#19
nelson, thanks. anddddd hit up the old AIM sometime...jesus why does no one communicate with that anymore? im not THAT old school.

got anything you want me to look over?
#21
Im not trying to be an ass, but iv'e wrote better. your lyrics are actually really good but your rhymes need work. Congrads and I hope you write more good songs. Anyway dont take it personally, its more like rude advice.
#22
lol thats cool man
im sure you have written better, im not really anything special.
what exactly do you mean the rhymes need work?

thanks though, i appreciate that. just if you were to elaborate it might help more and you would get to read less ****ty pieces.
#23
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
lol thats cool man
im sure you have written better, im not really anything special.
what exactly do you mean the rhymes need work?

thanks though, i appreciate that. just if you were to elaborate it might help more and you would get to read less ****ty pieces.


ha... that was the most self controlled bitching ive ever seen

pretty good piece it had a good idea and personally i think the rhyme helped the piece a lot. And imo i wouldnt take that guy seriously cause that post was his only post on ug at all. Nice job

-Mike
#24
lol i can self controlled bitch like the best of them.

if you guys want anything critted, leave me links if you could.
thanks mike.
#25
I Love It, It Painted So Many Different Pictures in My Head
In The Car I Just Cant Wait . . To Pick You Up On Our Very First Date
#26
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
thanks man.
i didnt even know this song of the week thing existed, i was scrolling up and down the page for a sec going 'wtf is my poem?!'
lol thanks guys.

hilarious, good song man, i really liked it, wow, really good, nothing more to say

if you crit back its in my sig
#27
This is amazingly amazing. This has got to be THE best that i have seen in this forum. It's like a song....trapped in a box....wrapped in tin foil......then all the sudden BAM! You threw in some spice to kick it up a notch, and then you kept kicking it up notches until you ran out of spices.


Ummm...if that didn't make any sense, sorry, it didn't make sense to me either, but it sounded fun. In short "T.h.i.s. s.h.i.t i.s. r.e.a.l.l.y g.o.o.d !.!.!.!
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#28
Quote by Schizopathic
This is amazingly amazing. This has got to be THE best that i have seen in this forum. It's like a song....trapped in a box....wrapped in tin foil......then all the sudden BAM! You threw in some spice to kick it up a notch, and then you kept kicking it up notches until you ran out of spices.


Ummm...if that didn't make any sense, sorry, it didn't make sense to me either, but it sounded fun. In short "T.h.i.s. s.h.i.t i.s. r.e.a.l.l.y g.o.o.d !.!.!.!


somebodys been watching too much emeril.
#29
lol thanks guys
i have another one up here which is pretty cool called 'in precisley 5 weeks'
i like it at least
and thanks for that amazing crit lol thats my favorite ever.
#30
this is very good, Jallas has good taste in SOTW apparently (that is if he/she's the one who chooses, I'm rather new so pardon the ignorance, paticularly with the gender) however, this could be better and move up the grade from very good to excellent relatively easy and I believe it all comes in the level of experimentation and perfections you want to strive for. What I'm saying is you have brilliant content and some brilliant lines and phrases but some of the flow and line length is lacking in the form you have it in right now and I would remedy this in two ways (plus more experimentation depending on how determined you are to make this perfect... though in truth nothing is ever perfect.)

1. line breaks and enjambment: utilizing these to alter flow would definitely help you out here both to allow you to alter rhyme (which is sometimes desperately needed as pure endrhyme is boring) and also string together ideas more thoroughly.

2. uh, ****, I forgot it, sorry, just keep experimenting and you'll think of something... that is, if you want to think of something... its really fine the way it is... beautiful even... but it could be even more excellent... but not perfect... because we've already established that perfection is immpossible...

good job

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=398801
#31
got to yours man
everyone, check out my other if you could. its called 'in precisely five weeks'
#33
Quote by UselessGlory
Im not trying to be an ass, but iv'e wrote better. your lyrics are actually really good but your rhymes need work. Congrads and I hope you write more good songs. Anyway dont take it personally, its more like rude advice.


Don't listen to him.
May the god of music be with you,
Nedir Kire
#34
really like this song....great imagery....everyone has pretty much summed it up...if ya want take a look at my new song...seven years....thanks..
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#35
Well there isn't anything i can say about this that hasn't been said. Great work

I would love it if you could check out my songs in my sig.