#1
You don't know what I've seen.
You'll never understand.
I've had dreams that soar past despair.
I want to leave this place.

Until the rising sun.
I'm tortured, beaten, and mauled.
These dreams don't leave me, I'm standing stuck in time.
I want to leave this place.

Save me from this.
Mind-numbing.
Face-searing pain.

The jump was nonchalant.
It came and went with ease.
The rope was dangling, grasping flesh and bone.
I've finally left this place.

Now that I'm gone.
I can wake back up.
Just to repeat.
Just to repeat.
Just to repeat.
#2
The first stanza appears a little too angsty. I understand what you are going for, but in the name of constructive criticism this might be a bit too vague for most readers tastes, as it is a little bleak and barren on the images that come to mind. The dreams soaring past despair is a great image though, so excellent work on that.

Stanza two is a bit better. Still a very angry piece, but this is more focused, more poetic. My mind's eye creates an image of a man being ruthlessly beaten all night. Line three however, doesn't make much sense.

Stanza 3 continues to elborate on a feeling of pain and anger that you seem to be doing an excellent job on creating throughout the poem.

Stanza 4 I'm guessing is the technical climax of the piece, and you do a great job with it. Maybe throw in more images. The reader gets the idea of a suicide, but you could chock it full of brutal imagery and vivid descriptions of just exactly how the rope dangled or how it felt when it grasped the flesh and bone.

Last Stanza is an interesting ending, tying it together into the whole dream concept. I like the repetition of 'just to repeat' at the end, good job. This was a pretty good piece, I think it could do with some work but it definately has great potential.

Could you do mine? Here is the link.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395671

It's a piece called "Dead or Dreaming."
#3
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
The first stanza appears a little too angsty. I understand what you are going for, but in the name of constructive criticism this might be a bit too vague for most readers tastes, as it is a little bleak and barren on the images that come to mind. The dreams soaring past despair is a great image though, so excellent work on that.

Stanza two is a bit better. Still a very angry piece, but this is more focused, more poetic. My mind's eye creates an image of a man being ruthlessly beaten all night. Line three however, doesn't make much sense.

Stanza 3 continues to elborate on a feeling of pain and anger that you seem to be doing an excellent job on creating throughout the poem.

Stanza 4 I'm guessing is the technical climax of the piece, and you do a great job with it. Maybe throw in more images. The reader gets the idea of a suicide, but you could chock it full of brutal imagery and vivid descriptions of just exactly how the rope dangled or how it felt when it grasped the flesh and bone.

Last Stanza is an interesting ending, tying it together into the whole dream concept. I like the repetition of 'just to repeat' at the end, good job. This was a pretty good piece, I think it could do with some work but it definately has great potential.

Could you do mine? Here is the link.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395671

It's a piece called "Dead or Dreaming."


Well, part of the whole thing is to leave something to the listener's imagination. "Stuck in time" is to refer to the feeling that the dreams, the pain, will never end.

Thanks so much for the suggestions, I'll be working with it