#1
I changed some lines in Verse 2. Let me know what you think of it. Crit4Crit

VENERATION

We are vampires and cannibals
Eat the body; drink the blood to save our souls
In a river we let our infants drown
An ash crucifix on our brow
We bow before the resurrected son
Conjure the spirit to speak in tongues
Lungs choke on the smoke of incense
Behind the confessional we repent

Sacrifice the Paschal lamb
Who is seated at God?s right hand

In God?s house there is no inheritance
Only a package of brimstone for heretics
Feed us to the lions for your entertainment
This bubonic disease, you cannot contain it
A flock of crusaders lined up in position to kill
Their bloody swords the instruments of His wil
Christ with a cross on his shield in chainmail
Gave his crown to the tyranny of papal

Sacrifice the Paschal lamb
Who is seated at God?s right hand

This is all my damn fault
I began this God forsaken cult
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 17, 2006,
#2
Stanza One: I love how you rhyme with these kinds of poetic images. I don't see rhyming often enough on these forums or in poetry, and thank you G-d for bringing it back. Excellent images, great rhyming. Only criticism here is the last line is a bit too simple for this stanza to end off, try to find something better if you can.

Stanza 2: Really more of a break, excellent way of saying what you are trying to say. This needs no help.

Stanza 3: The rhyming drops off a bit and you appear a bit too angry at religion in this stanza, hopefully you wrap all this up nicely in the end.

Stanza 4: Another break, same one, actually.

Last Stanza: A couplet to close, which is a technique I really get into it. Excellent way of tying it all together. This is probably one of the better religion pieces I've read, seeing as most as "burn the churches to kill the jesus" or some silly and inarticulately written way of saying "I don't like religion." You do a good job though, presenting your ideas in a poetic and articulate sense, with a good bit of wit as well.

If you get time, check out my latest titled "Dead or Dreaming"
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=395671

that is the link.
#3
although the only "metal" (i guess this is metal) im into is Venom (an only vaguely), i actually like this song. i think the breaks are good and a refresher from the verses which themselves are great. the first stanza is the better of the two blocks. the second needs a little more work to make it flow as well as the first, once thats done itll be at least twice as good. overall, with music and a little polishing i think that all this good song needs is a great hook or riff to make it a great song. p.s. i respect the way youve delt with the whole religion aspect, congratulations on not sounding like a slipknot toddler.
#4
Sorry it took me a while to return crit. Better late than never eh?

VENERATION

We are vampires and cannibals
Eat the body; drink the blood to save our souls
In a river we let our infants drown
An ash crucifix on our brow
We bow before the resurrected son
Conjure the spirit to speak in tongues
Lungs choke on the smoke of incense
Behind the confessional we repent


That my friend, is a beautiful start to a song. I cant fault it, im particularly fond of the last three lines. Its confidently written, good use of language without being flowery.



Sacrifice the Paschal lamb
Who is seated at God?s right hand


I'm not so keen on this part but that could simply be personal preference, the writing just doesnt seem to be as strong


In God?s house there is no inheritance
Only a package of brimstone for heretics
666, wise men know who he is
His palace rides on seven hills
Feed us to the lions for your entertainment
This bubonic disease, you cannot contain it
Christ carries a sword and wears chain mail
Gave his crown to the tyranny of papal


This verse is definitly weaker in my personal opinion, whilst appropriate language and imagery are used well, it seems to lose the confidence (and positive arrogance) and the flow of the first stanza. By arrogance i mean that the first stanza has a strong feel to it, you say what you want to say in an almost forceful way but manage to avoid the trap of trying to use too much imagery. Whilst you've kept the style of the writing up, it loses the confidence that made it so appealing.


This is all my damn fault
I began this God forsaken cult


I cant make up my mind about this part. I think if the second verse were stronger then this would flow quite nicely, as it is you peak straight away and dont regain.

All in all i cant fault the use of language or the style, but everyone can write well if they put their minds to it. What i glimpsed in the first stanza is someone who can put character into writing. I'd work on that if i was you. Its a rare talent.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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