#1
Hey everyone,C4C as always, I made this piece literally in the last 10 minutes. I edited it a bit, and i didnt really see anything horrible. So i decided to give it up to all of you to tear it apart. I usually dont write this style, and it could be fairly unoriginal, but i thought i'd give this style a try. So have fun...
Thx in advance

Verse1
I don't need your laugh
I don't need your love
I just need your breath
A whisper in my ear
Says you will be there

Chorus
Will you forgive me
No matter what I say
Will you sleep at night
And lay next to me
As years fly past
Will you be there

Verse2
I don't need your face
Don't need your smile
I just need your care
A prescence at my side
Says you will be there

Chorus

Interlude
When our spirits fade
Will you be there
As we face hard times
Will you be there
From our start to end
Will you always care
Will you be there

Chorus
#2
wow....great song! i dont see anything wrong with it exept that its kinda short....
keep on keepin on
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#6
That sounds really good so far. I think you should add some stuff to it or something, though. I liked that it was sort of choppy sentences. You really made it work well. I liked the whole "i just need your breath. a whisper in my ear. says you will be there" thing. That really stood out to me for some reason. Good job on this. keep up the good work! (oh and thanks for critting "talking in the mirror". I really aprecaite it)
#7
that probably some of the best lyrics ive heard in a very long time. loved it, i think it was very simple but so effective, absoloutley loved it so much wooooo


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#8
hey dude,
this song has really good flow. and pretty cool style.
unlike some others, like the abruptness and concise nature it has.
i think this would be better than more stanzas and overdoing it.
check out the lyrics for "teen angst" by M83.
they are concise like these but it makes it more effective.
good lyrics man,
keep it up and thanks for the crit.
peace and love
#9
I like it, it flows pretty well. I'm guessing the subject matter is a girl (seems pretty obvious), but I think you have managed to display what alot of people feel.. certainly brought some memories back for me! good job!
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#10
there good man...but they seem soo short...like...the story jumps around...and it never quite raps up...but if thats how you want then...then its a great job
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#11
yeah...i kinda meant for it to be kind of inconclusive, like it never really resolved itself, i dunno why buy it just seemed to fit
#12
Thanks for the crit.

I really thought you did a great job with this. I'm especially fond of the chorus it feels so familiar (not the words, the feeling it gives me) and I deffinately like that about a song
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#14
I'm sorry AA, I won't force myself to like this one, because I don't.

The whole thing just seems rather bland and unimaginitive. There was really nothing that caught my interests here and for me, in this piece you have feelings. What you now need to is present and show those feelings using techniques such as imagery and metaphor, and also try and add some clever rhymes, internal rhyming, assonance etc. to help liven the flow up.

Just, boring, to be honest. Better luck next time
#15
I agree with Jammydude.

The subject matter lacks originality. I've seen it often balanced by emotion and intense lyrics, but that's not the case. It's short, but not sweet. Expand on your thoughts, and try and pinpoint words that describe your situation and feelings so that the audience gets to the same place you are. right now, the word choice is....bland.

It was a quick read, but hey, great songs have been quick. This could have potential.
#16
Over all pretty good, but as other people have said too short. Maybe you could use imagery to fill it up, you know some metaphors, other figures of speech etc. I think it has a lot of potential so work on it dude.
#17
It wasn't bad but I really don't understand the hype about it. It's bland and just average. Nothing spectacular. Not bad but not great.
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