#1
I edited it again, not much but a little.. I think it makes it better... the backround to this is that charlie is character I came up with. I kinda came up with him one night in my head, and this story went through my head.... time goes by, and after revising it a lot this is what I've got... crit for crit... I took out the chorus, I think I'll just have some music play for a chorus, possibly with some sort of singing...

charlie's young, just a teen
thinks he thinks too much
always in denial it seems
always says "i'm not in a rut"

He'll just sit upstairs alone all day
watching the sun die off in the shade.
It's been a while since he could say
that things are looking good today

there goes his friend again
she's really grown on him
he'll never do anything about it
self-esteem's spread too thin.

arguments happen all the time
soon enough his friends divide
nobody left to talk to now
just sittin by himself

Things never go as you'd like
another lesson learned in life
you can never get what you want
if you can't admit it to yourself

Charlie collapses on the floor
he's feeling sick of it
how does everyone feel now
that he's just another statistic?

Charlie figured out one thing that was true
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do.


I want to thank tezhall, i walk alone, paraboetheo, heascase, loudmurder, and thegospelofrob and anyone else that had something to say for offering me advice and criticism, it really helped me get this closer to done. I think I solved the chorus problem... what do you think?
Last edited by a-user-name at Aug 12, 2006,
#3
good song, i like it, i thought it was goign to be something to do with the chili peppers when i just saw the title.
School children washing cars for charity, is there anything more arousing?
#6
charlie's young, just a teen
he overanalyze's things and lies to himself.
sometimes he just can't figure anything out. I didn't like the second line, It didnt flow to well.

He'll just sit in his room all day
watching the sun die off in the shade.
His mind drifts off into the night
wishing he could go to rest. Hmmm this is ok, the second line is the best.

smiles around his friends,
everyone thinks he's happy.
he tricks himself into thinking that he is
just because they're having a good time. I like this stanza, I can relate to it.

He thinks about stacy
she's growing on him
he'll never do anything about it
cause his self-esteem's spread too thin. I know that this song is based on your life at the moment so if Stacy is the girls real name you might want to change it. The last line is very creative.

Things aren't always the best,
his friends become divided,
soon enough they're all gone
and he's just sitting by himself. Nothing too special, But nice enough.

Charlie collapses on the floor
he's feeling sick of it
how does everyone feel now
that he's just another statistic?

Charlie figured out one thing that was true
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do. I love this part, great ending!

I like this version much better, theres some great lines.
Well done.
#7
it wasn't bad imo, but i'm sure you can do better. i thought it was too bland, too simple. there were some lines (like the 'watching the sun die off in the shade.') that i thought to be better, but overall i thought it lacked imagery and emotion. i know, it's a personal song to you, but i just couldn't feel it.. excuse me

tnx for critting mine!
#8
this has gone so much better. the last one seemed kinda morbid and evil. this one makes a lot more sense. keep writing songs man.
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#9
to me it's still pretty bland, and you still have major issues with flow, there really isn't any pace to it- I mean, stragiht away n the second line the flow just gets messed up. Say it to yourself, does it really flow properly?

No. It doesn't. Fix that and you'd have something respectable, because without great writing you still need flow, and this does not have it.
#11
Quote by Prodigy999
this has gone so much better. the last one seemed kinda morbid and evil. this one makes a lot more sense. keep writing songs man.


thanks... I've edited it a lot more, I think I came closer to fixing the whole flow issue that has kinda plagued it..... kicked out some of the lines that were lacking. I replaced the real girls name.. hopefully it's decent now.. we'll see what i'm unhappy with next. Thanks for the crit's guys.
#12
w00t I was thanked. >_>

I really like the new version. It has a lot more imagery in it and it sounds a lot deeper. I like the:


Charlie collapses on the floor
he's feeling sick of it
how does everyone feel now
that he's just another statistic?

Great lines there. Great work, I hope to hear the music soon.
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#13
I'm going to do this because I still don't think you are grasping what is wrong with this, and the fact you haven't really had too much constructive critiscm.

charlie's young, he's just a teen
he thinks he thinks too much Terrible line with the repeat of think, ruins the flow aswell.
he's always in denial it seems Too many "he's" already. Needs revision.
and somehow's always in a rut "Somehow's" doesn't really read great here.

He'll just sit in his room all day
watching the sun die off in the shade. No real need for thee full stop.
It's been a while he could say Reads poorly. Needs to be "since he".
that he was feeling good today Very unnecesary and unimaginitive four line rhyming here. Detracts from the piece as it all seems very forced. Once more, too many "he's".

smiles around his friends, Slows the flow.
everyone thinks he's happy.
he tricks himself into thinking that he is Uh, the he, he's and himselfs, whatever the word is for them, it escapes me now, but they're are getting tiresome. you need to try to paint a picture using imagery and metaphor to elimnate this problem.
just because they're having a good time. your rhyming has also gone to pot, now there isn't any. Maybe try to find a solid rhyming structure, as they seem to be fairly random rhymin gpatterns given the fact that they are all four line stanzas.

He's thinking about liz again too personal.
she's really growing on him
but he'll never do anything about it
cause his self-esteem's spread too thin. Far to simple, far to direct. Expand on it.

arguments happen all the time
and all his friends divide. Doesn't need the punctuation.
soon enough they're all gone
and he's just sitting by himself. flow stops dead here, no link between the stanzas in this piece.

Charlie collapses on the floor
he's feeling sick of it
how does everyone feel now
that he's just another statistic? Flow issues again, it is all a bit stop start.

Charlie figured out one thing that was true
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do. The only two lines worth keeping.

I hope you understand this and take it on board. Flow needs to be vastly improved, it's all simple, bland and boring, you need some spark in this piece. I beg you to read the lyrics tips thread at the top of the forum.
#14
I see what you're getting at man... I do have to man he's, I was thinking I might actually.. as for the rhyming, I'm not trying to rhyme on all of it, I don't feel like I need to... a lot of really good songs don't have set rhyming schemes, so i don't feel like it detracts from it. As for the flow thing, I was actually just trying out vocals on it in my room and I don't think it's that bad. It's sung, so by carrying some of the words it fits much better... you gotta know some songs like that right? I did notice that I forgot the "since" where it should say "since he".. thought I correct that... and the girl part is important in the story, and it's supposed to be personal. You know the story of it i think... all I did is left out a few details of it cause the other way some people misunderstood it.... I think you misunderstood my intentions of "thinks he thinks too much"... it's purposely redudant to show that he really does thin too much about things... anyways, thanks for the constructive crit... the words will probably keep changing as I find the right tune to match it...
Last edited by a-user-name at Jul 18, 2006,
#15
its so far so good, if youre still changing it for the better i bet itll turn out really good, just like it is is pretty good, man

if your critting back, its in my sig
#16
This was a truly beautiful song. I wasn't too fond of how it rhymed though. But honestly, depending on style I'd say you'd be good to go
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#19
i like it, i can relate to getting lost in your own little world and dreaming about things and people.
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#20
Great lyrics, but get your syllables in each line right - no trying to fit 50 syllables in one line when the rhyming line has 8. Good point of view tho, nex time post what kinda music you're putting it with. punk? rock?
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#21
Oh and dont over rhyme, not all of it has to rhyme...gosh! haha
Quote by guitar_man_guy
Funniest story ever.

So Im in my room with my girlfriend, and Im getting a blow job (It's like 11 at night, thought everyone was asleep) and my brother opens the door while saying "Duuude you wont believe what I just caught Mom and Dad doing!"
#22
I could relate to it some which seeing it in front of me made me depressed
You seemed to trip over some parts and it broke the flow
I'd probably do a little more preplanning
But it seemed like you have a handle on what your doing
#23
hey, cool song. yeah personal reflected songs really seem to be the hardest to produce. also im really bad at just criticing a story without music, im way more of a guitarist then a lyrics person, but here's what i came up with.

"He'll just sit upstairs alone all day
watching the sun die off in the shade."-great lines but instead of in the shade maybe use into the shade, i dunno why but it sounds better in my head...

"Charlie figured out one thing that was true
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do"-wow... this line is amazing... probably the one that most means something to you too.

keep on rocking//
peace.brock.
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#24
Quote by brock.-
hey, cool song. yeah personal reflected songs really seem to be the hardest to produce. also im really bad at just criticing a story without music, im way more of a guitarist then a lyrics person, but here's what i came up with.

"He'll just sit upstairs alone all day
watching the sun die off in the shade."-great lines but instead of in the shade maybe use into the shade, i dunno why but it sounds better in my head...

"Charlie figured out one thing that was true
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do"-wow... this line is amazing... probably the one that most means something to you too.

keep on rocking//
peace.brock.


Thanks a lot guys, that part on the "in the shade" is actually supposed to be "into the shade', I guess I had a typo.. thanks for bringing that to my attention.
#25
Alright, just gazing -

Much better in creating a character than in the first draft, however, there's still a couple problems (Jammydude beat me to most of them).

1) Your flow is still off - use sound devices to spice up some of the lines and make sure that the sounds that you're throwing together complement each other nicely (reading it aloud is the best for this).

2) It still reads a bit like a pamphlet for clinical depression - I understand that simplicity is the goal, but turn the lines into complex thoughts that are worded in a simple fashion (if that makes sense). Turns of phrases, et cetera - easy ways for your audience to still connect through the more plain diction, yet packing a punch to which a more "well-learned" audience member can still appreciate.

3) Make sure all your thoughts are packed into the words as tight as possible, yet still complete. If you start something that'll change your character, be sure to be satisfactory, at the least, about how it concludes.

4) Direct your tone in a more defining manner. Right now, it has this feel of just being "there" and not really influencing the piece that much. Diction and imagery are your easiest ways of doing this.

5) Keep working on it. If you're fair about the revision process, you'll come out with something worth-while.
#26
Awesome....I know how Charlie feels. I never read the first one. but i have to say I really like this one. The first stanza seemed kinda of rhyming-wise, but other than, everything else was great. good job!
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#27
Great stuff!
I didn't read the first version but I think this one is great. I liked the think stuff in the second line and the repetition of it in the last lines. That was a good ending it made it 'complete'
I also like d the storyboard it was a development into a sad direction but I liked it that 'Charlie' fially stopped fooling himself although it might hurt him...
#29
I feel like Charlie sometimes, but I think you should convey that his mind wanders...when I'm bored, sometimes my brain makes connections that are ridiculous, but since you let it go off on tangents it seems to make sense in the end...that's just from personal experience
#30
charlie's young, just a teen
thinks he thinks too much
always in denial it seems
always says "i'm not in a rut"
I like this. Good opening. Nothing wrong.

He'll just sit upstairs alone all day
watching the sun die off in the shade.
It's been a while since he could say
that things are looking good today
This is good as well. I like the second line. However, in a four-line stanza the fact that three lines rhyme, and are broken in the beginning by one line that doesn't kinda irks me. However, I don't know how this sounds put to music. So, it might work and I just don't knowit.

smiles around his friends,
everyone thinks he's happy.
he tricks himself into thinking that he is
I'll smile around my friends
they'll all think that I'm happy
just because we're having a good time
Generally good, but it doesn't seem to flow very well.

He's thinking about liz again
she's really growing on him
but he'll never do anything about it
cause his self-esteem's spread too thin.
I like this stanza. The last line's good.

arguments happen all the time
soon enough his friends divide
nobody left to talk to now
just sittin by himself
another good stanza that I didn't have problems with.

smiles around his friends,
everyone thinks he's happy.
he tricks himself into thinking that he is
I'll smile around my friends
they'll all think that I'm happy
just because we're having a good time

Things never go as you'd like
another lesson learned in life
you can never get what you want
if you can't admit it to yourself
I also like this stanza.

Charlie collapses on the floor
he's feeling sick of it
how does everyone feel now
that he's just another statistic?
Many people will be able to relate to this song. I say this now because the line 'I don't want to be another statistic' escaped my mouth not too long ago in a conversation I was having with a friend. Though, I don't know how many others might relate with THAT part (they might be dead at that point), but it is relateable as a whole, and that's good. Also, this portion in general is well written, and good.

Charlie figured out one thing that was true
sometimes thinking is the worst thing you can do.
Very good ending, I think.