#1
Been trying to break out of writing the same thing over an over again thanks to paraboetheo for the suggestion of a haibun it was a rather fun write. ... and i think i did it right hope you enjoy

I woke to the breeze escaping windmills, strolling through the backyard trees into carnivorous crevices of rock. I climbed the blind streets of God's lightning and cloud into a gaze of painful pines with far-reaching Brooklyn 'scapes. Peering into the hole of missing site and city I found my lost forgotten love; Where families take pictures on makeshift benches and hikers find virtue in hidden paths selfishly made for themselves. Where couples kiss in discovered love and boyscouts stare at starlit skies. Where the wild are fearless, never seeing sorrow, and birds never miss a morning.

A city's smog can
never meet love and life like
I met them today.


-Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 22, 2006,
#2
Problems-Really I could only find one glaring problem, and that is the handmade/never really made flow in that particular sentence. It just didn't work for me. Nitpicky problems are that some of the alliteration didn't work either, but I don't know what the **** is wrong with because it definately should.

What Worked WELL-The ending is very strong, and even the block style which I normally hate adds to it. The "where couples kiss' line also added to some of the images.

Overall-Overall this was an excellent piece; it was hard to create and image at first because the alliteration and some of the diction overshadowed the images themselves IMO. However, when you hit the couples kissing line (which was towards the end) it rapped it all up. This is an above average piece for sure, and I'm glad I took the time to read and analyze it.
#3
Quote by TrigFuntion
Been trying to break out of writing the same thing over an over again thanks to paraboetheo for the suggestion of a haibun it was a rather fun write. ... and i think i did it right hope you enjoy


Not sure what a haibun is, me being naive an all Be great if you could explain.

Anyways, I liked this alot, it just seemed a nice piece, I'd agree with the above they really are the only problems I have with this... Nice work, Trig.

I know I owe you a full crit or two. Next one, I swear
#6
The images were good here matey. I might advise using semi-colons instead of full stops to improve the flow.

This certainly has a nicer tone to it than your usual work. I do prefer a bit of jolliness. I also like the whole Japanese thing you've got a-goin' on here. It's always important to try out new things, I believe.

''I met love today'' perhaps makes it sound too sweet, but otherwise all good.
#8
"hidden paths that were never really made"

I would put a semicolon in after paths, it reads better that way IMO. It sounds better if you put "the" before "love" in the haiku section, but that would throw off syllable count :/ . This is a very pretty piece, and I liked the different style. It was different, and I would like to see more experimental type pieces. This was pretty good stuff.
#9
Alright, I told you I'd get to this eventually...

"breeze of air escaping windmills"
Ok, here's the issue with this: "breeze", "air", and "windmills" all relate via the assumption that wind is present. So, if you're going to use that space, I'd suggest spicing up the breeze or the windmills - "of air" seems rather redundant.
"backyard green trees"
Same problem, different situation. It's at this sort of a point to which you can hope to assume, as the writer, that "backyard... trees" will bring up the image of green without actually having to provide the word. As well, you can, then, use the space to add an additional modifier, something that will provide that next level of imagery on top of the immediate vision of trees.

"God's cloud and lightning leaving into a gaze of painful pines"
Too much consonance and alliteration. So far as sound is concerned, the two 'd's on "God's cloud" create this awkwardly spondiac beat that still connects to "lightning leaving" - albeit, the effect between tempos is a nice example of sound variation, I tend to think that the spondee slows down something is, from an imagery stand-point, is airy. Also, "God's cloud" needs something more - I need a deeper image to define how exactly you're trying to fix God into the cloud (which ranges from clouds bearing God, clouds shaped like God, clouds that remind you of God's majesty, et cetera). I'm not sure "gaze" is the best word there.
"lost love and life"
Again, too much. Alliteration is best in moderation.

"handmade benches and hikers find virtue in hidden paths that were never really made."
"handmade" doesn't seem like the best word for the image you're trying to project, as I get this image of the manufacturer as opposed to the quality of the bench. "hidden paths that were never really made" - lots of words for a rather simple idea. If you're trying to increase the length of the sentence to imitate the length of the hike, I suggest doing it with a "big" word, as it crams plenty of syllables into a single word (like cramming all those experiences into a single, cohesive hike).

"re-found"
Diction issue. It just seems too obvious, and doesn't really add flavor to the love - assuming that it connects to the "lost" love of phrases past, it only serves to bridge that gap and not actually add anything specifically new or exciting to the love.

"wild are fearless"
Grammar-check this line. There's some commas missing and "wild" either needs to be "the wild" or "wilds".

"I met love today."
Here's where the form becomes your problem. This works - it's short, it gets to the point and it is a nice, simple contrast from the early lines of description. However, it defeats the metrical point of having the haiku at the end if you have all these longer lines of prose, ending with a five-syllable line of prose, then followed by a haiku - it's as if you're gearing us up for the haiku, when the transition needs to be more "ta-da" than smooth (which, I know, is not the normal way of doing things). But, I'd say, beyond this line, the haibun works well (makes me think of using my numerous haikus ).

My one criticism on tone and voice is that I felt like establishing this "I met love today" was done almost solely at the end of the piece, whereas there should have been an almost intoxicated (by love, mind you) voice running through the piece, with a strong tone to define all this use of nature (beyond the haiku).
#12
i really like it...i wish i could give you a good crit...but other than there being not much of a flow...its works well...i really like your writting style...thanks for the crits
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.