#1
This is my first time posting and i looking for critique so please read and post want you got out of it. i have been writing for three years now and would like feedback. thank you!

The weight of the world
Sits on the apex of my shoulders
Although suffocating
It's the lifestyle i chose
Molds the man that i am
Formed on the ground on
Which that i stand
When you take the bull
By the horns
Blood is eminent
In a sense inevitable

Is the life i chose compatible?
With the enternally ongoing
War between love and hate
That shifts with day and night
This what I decided on
Though not right, maybe not wrong
Not weak, but not quite strong
Is the life I chose compatible
With such variable surroundings?

Ironic, we love the moon cresanted
And our sun solarly eclisped
Imperfection is golden
While perfection is oh so flawed
A simple notion causes
Such a complex commotion
Preventing the achievement
Of this heavenly utopia
The orchid inhales life
As the thorned rose exhales...
Death

Silence is a deafening poetry
Echoing off the walls of sanity
Sound is merely a barrier
Meant to be broken
I want to travel the speed of light
To feel how time slows down
Maybe then, can I catch my breath again
And see the scarred face of mankind

Peace is made up of pieces
That never seem to be in place
Love is based on lies
Never meant to see the light of day
You will never know
If you don't try
But then you risk
Living life as a passerby
#2
that song suks a bit(no offence) but heres my song which i hope i get sum feed bak for

There is poison?s on her lips
and she?s left me here alone
her poison runs through my veins
with that last thing we had
this will not happen to me not
I promise

but now I can sleep forever
cuz I had enough of you
and those poison lips can run dried up
my life is free from you

oh please don?t kill me here
this is the only time you
will ever see this
look past your shallow view
and you will see

but now I can sleep forever
cuz I had enough of you
and those poison lips can run dry
my life is free from you

but now I can sleep forever
cuz I had enough of you
and those poison lips can run dry
my life is free from you

now there is no time to spare
my time of death is here
you?re the poison in my veins
coming to execute me this time

did I go to far
or have I only started
well were this is my savoir
cuz there?s a poison in my veins
and I know the only thing
that would kill me was your kiss
#4
Like i said, i am new here but if you are going to say something "suks" in your words elaborate a little, just don't come out and say something sucks. back up what you think with logical references to the piece. For your piece, i think it is kinda clicheish with the talk of poison. I would use some different phrases instead of poison over and over. Also, i know we aren't in english class, but use some better grammar. Some lines in your last stanza should read "Did i go too far?" and "Well where/we're this is my savior" Overall, not a bad piece but i would like to see some other stuff that you have written.
#5
and btw my piece wasnt really a song. i would consider it more poetic than lyrical.
Last edited by burnobus7337 at Jul 18, 2006,
#6
Quote by burnobus7337
Also, i know we aren't in english class, but use some better grammar. Some lines in your last stanza should read "Did i go too far?" and "Well where/we're this is my savior"



Not to be a wanker man, but you put chose instead of chosen throughout your piece. I did like yours though. I would have changed certain things around to make it flow a bit better, but that is just my opinion.

Also, to the guy who put his lyrics in Burnobus' thread, you need to make your own thread. That was kind of rude to put your lyrics in his thread after just saying "ur song suks" Make your own thread and then link the other threadstarters to your thread so that they can crit your lyrics.
#7
^Agreed. I wasn't trying to be dick in that all. i just noticed the errors and posted them. not trying to cause trouble because i know my grammar is far from perfect but just trying to help the guy out. thanks for the crit
#9
yeah, i dont think it sucked, it was pretty good, i liked it, (wassup with that guy putting his song on here?, hes crazy) anyway pretty good song, or poem i mean, but yeah change just a few things around, good over all

links are in my sig, the latest is Just tell me to Wait
#10
Quote by AmplifySilence
yeah, i dont think it sucked, it was pretty good, i liked it, (wassup with that guy putting his song on here?, hes crazy) anyway pretty good song, or poem i mean, but yeah change just a few things around, good over all

links are in my sig, the latest is Just tell me to Wait


Anyone have any suggestions to change because i have never really shared many of my pieces. I really want to make strides foward with opinions from the boards so i can grow and become a better writer.
#11
"Blood is eminent
In a sense inevitable" i like eminent and inevitable as the last 2 words, they work well =)

"Ironic, we love the moon cresanted
And our sun solarly eclisped
Imperfection is golden
While perfection is oh so flawed"
these lines caught my attention for some reason, i think there really good.

"Silence is a deafening poetry
Echoing off the walls of sanity
Sound is merely a barrier
Meant to be broken" this flows pretty well to me


overall i think this is pretty good and i liked the rhyme you had going.