#1
Here's an idea I had. I'm not sure if it worked or not, maybe you guys can decide.

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Most times me and mum go to the shop
We walk past a old man.
He has a big beerd,
And it is the same colour as the road.
And his name is jim.

Sometimes I talk to him
Even though mummy says I can?t.
He usally asks to have one of the lollypops
I hold in my hand,
So I give him a yellow one
Because I don?t like them very much
And there the same colour as his funny teeth.

Afterwoods, if mum can?t see,
I like to stay and talk to jim,
Even though he smells like my dog weezer,
Who has a big shaggy coat.

I?m 7 and jim is about 53.
Seeing us speak must be weird to see.
He likes to here what I?m scared of,
Like burglars in my house at night,
And then he always says in a angry way
That I should akchewally be frigtend about
The pain the kerb makes for your back.

But when I?m eating tea
Safe at home,
I remember that jim is one sily old man.
#4
Quote by Naboo
how old are you?


he wrote it like a child it doesnt mean he is one

Im assuming you wrote it like that because you wanted to act like a child. It took away flow but meh, its alright. besides a few spelling mistakes ( maybe they were intentional ) its alright. lollipops i believe and beard.

-Mike

if you decided to return this crappy crit theres one in my sig "boyscouts stare at starlit skies"
#6
I just thought you wrote it while drunk until I got to 'akchewally' then I got it that you ment to do it that way

I thought it was ok.. nothing special but it sort of worked. It's hard to say what could be changed though.. hard one to crit this. I didn't like the last line of the fourth stanza for some reason but I don't know why... sorry can't be more constructive.


(If you get a chance buddy could you have a look at this one for me )
Last edited by jmilli2 at Jul 19, 2006,