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#1
Well, I've been trying to write some good lyrics to go with the awwesome beats I've been writing, so I took my pen and notebook out while on the plane to California and just started to write. And it really started to flow from me, once I go started. So I got to California, pulled out the laptop,typed it up, made a few changes, and now I'm gonna post it on UG.
-----------------------------------------------------
"On Life"
Cause some things just don?t go away
Like war, hunger
Hatred, decay
They?ll probably stay around
At least until my dying day
But before I help another
I gotta help myself
Make sure it?s all in good health
Cause people don?t trust a leader
Who leaves his own life up on a shelf
People try to help out one another
Without clearing out their lives
But before you put others first
You gotta quench your own thirsts

Now I?ll be the first man to tell you
That I ain?t perfect
I screw up all the time, boy you?d better believe it
I try to do better, I really try to fix it
Go back and fix my wrongs
But I tell you it ain?t easy
Sometimes doing right thing
Has me feeling so queasy
And there?s so many distractions in this crazy world around us
Girls, money and material, all that surrounds us
So I do my very best to keep my eyes on the game
Try not to let myself be to one who changes
But sometimes all this shit just drives me insane

So how many times must I go on and fuck up?
How many times must I tell the world to shut up?
How many times must I go back; rewind?
Sometimes I wish I could turn around;
But when I try to go back and fix it
All that reaches my ears is that horrible sound
You?ve fucked it up, nice going
You?ve really done it now

But I do my best to clear my mind and try to figure it out

And sometimes mankind gets his kicks from fuin? with others
Forgets when you mess when them, our sisters and brothers
It comes right back
And it fucks you over like that
And they forget this and just go on doing their bad
Not realizing that they shouldn?t laugh at what others have had
Done to them, given to them, screwed them up, too
But we continue to treat people like things in the zoo
So imagine if it weren?t them, it was you
I think they?d be sittin? there laughin? their asses at you
So remember this key
Its call love, simple as can be
And it helps when you do it unconditionally
So when you?re in a rut, others will help you free
But like I said, I ain?t no saint, no angel, no god
And often I find this shit incredibly hard
But do your best and ask others for aid
Your friends and your family
To protect you from life?s blades
----------------------------------------------

I had a chorus, but I didn't like it, so I pitched it, so if anyone has any suggestions, that would be great, I'd love it.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 18, 2006,
#2
pretty good man, i like it, but as most aspiring rappers should know your not goin' to make it big rappin' about today's problems if you do you'll be killed*Pac cough*, but yeah it sounds like it would be pretty tight

if you still have the chorus put it up man, either me or somebody else might be able to fix it up
"We can't stop here, this is bat country."
Last edited by D!zZ~3 at Jul 18, 2006,
#3
Quote by D!zZ~3
pretty good man, i like it, but as most aspiring rappers should know your not goin' to make it big rappin' about today's problems if you do you'll be killed*Pac cough*, but yeah it sounds like it would be pretty tight

Thanks man, I know I probably won't make it huge (not even sure if I want to), and it doesn't help that I'm a white, suburban boy. As for 2pac, you know what they say, only the good die young.
#4
ahh white yeah that does make it little bit harder lol but hey man just keep tryin' and you never know, and about not makin' big i can't blame ya i always hate to be in the spot light that's why i'm just a guitarist and not a singer, even though peolpe tell me with some lesson i could be a pretty good singer
"We can't stop here, this is bat country."
#5
^yea I dont think he wants to make it big, seeing as how his lyrics actually have some meaning, lol...THAT WOULD BE UNNACCEPTABLE IN TODAYS MAINSTREAM RAP!...lol, all jokes aside, I think its a pretty well written peice except for the fact that you gave too much detail IMO...I'm no lyric crit-person but I think a few of the verses and phrases could be shortened to where you just give the gist of it and let the reader interpret the rest...Mostly in the last verse...and the 4 sentences that start with the word "But" in the second verse could be changed too, it sounds repetitive and monotonuos...which wouldnt be a problem if it were the hook/chorus but that kind of threw off the flow of that verse...

And speaking of flow, I think flow is one of the most important things in writing a decent rap/hip-hop peice...I couldnt interpret the flow in some phrases but in some it was really present and it flowed nicely...There are a few spots were more/less words could be added in/taken out to improve the flow of it more...You can ask about specifics if you want...Anyways, I also think the rhyme scheme should be consistent or non-existant...Not all rap songs need to be in rhyme form and yours was at some points and wasnt at others, I think it should be a bit more consistent, but if thats how you write then thats fine...It doesnt really take away from the piece, I just think it would sound better if the rhyming was consistent...and uhh...I think thats it...Keep at it dude, nice work...
"All matter is merely energy condensed into a slow vibration and we're all one consciousness experiencing ourselves subjectively, theres no such thing as death, life is just a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."
Last edited by XeNoCiDe730 at Jul 18, 2006,
#7
^Could you kindly explain why?
Quote by XeNoCiDe730
^yea I dont think he wants to make it big, seeing as how his lyrics actually have some meaning, lol...THAT WOULD BE UNNACCEPTABLE IN TODAYS MAINSTREAM RAP!...lol, all jokes aside, I think its a pretty well written peice except for the fact that you gave too much detail IMO...I'm no lyric crit-person but I think a few of the verses and phrases could be shortened to where you just give the gist of it and let the reader interpret the rest...Mostly in the last verse...and the 4 sentences that start with the word "But" in the second verse could be changed too, it sounds repetitive and monotonuos...which wouldnt be a problem if it were the hook/chorus but that kind of threw off the flow of that verse...

And speaking of flow, I think flow is one of the most important things in writing a decent rap/hip-hop peice...I couldnt interpret the flow in some phrases but in some it was really present and it flowed nicely...There are a few spots were more/less words could be added in/taken out to improve the flow of it more...You can ask about specifics if you want...Anyways, I also think the rhyme scheme should be consistent or non-existant...Not all rap songs need to be in rhyme form and yours was at some points and wasnt at others, I think it should be a bit more consistent, but if thats how you write then thats fine...It doesnt really take away from the piece, I just think it would sound better if the rhyming was consistent...and uhh...I think thats it...Keep at it dude, nice work...

Thanks about the flow, I was going for a Ludacris meets Kanye West meets Tupac kind of vibe (my top 3 modern rappers). So yeah, I fixed the 'but' thing as best I could, but I haven't aton a songwriting expirience, so its not gonna be perfect. Could you give me some more specifics, please?
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 18, 2006,
#8
Quote by XtremeSkater69
This rap sucks dude.


That's because MTV has raised us all on that "bull**** ice rap" as k. west says it doesn't give us the things like talib kweli and mos def, and the k. west songs they put on there are slow jams and goldigger and they aren't even close to his best songs, oh and they had through the wire but they showed it what 3, 4 times and they had his sucky verson of heard 'em say but all he did in that version was talk, any way point being if you ain't heard music like this then you ain't goin' like it and most people hasn't heard music like this.
"We can't stop here, this is bat country."
#9
tihnks it pretty good, i dont mind rap u no, but alot of the modern *cough*50cent*cough* rap is **** and has crap lyrics, so that was a step up, eminems cool, u should write some stuff like his funny songs, ah they make me laugh

crit4crit please? links in my sig
PSN: Noverion
#10
Quote by Noverion
tihnks it pretty good, i dont mind rap u no, but alot of the modern *cough*50cent*cough* rap is **** and has crap lyrics, so that was a step up, eminems cool, u should write some stuff like his funny songs, ah they make me laugh

crit4crit please? links in my sig

I'll crit for you, no problem.

But yeah, I tried writing funny stuff like Eminem (who I love), but it didn't work, so I just wrote what I really felt. I am writing stuff about girls and such, you know, and its working out, cause you know, I love girls, and I may as well write about them, so be expecting more stuff in the future.
#11
hmmm...nice overall, so the only thing is this...
I'm sorry, but this kind of writing doesnt really fit in with rap, its because the rappers now are singing about bullshi* stuff now and the "i feel sorry" or whatever stuff doesnt work. I respect those lyrics, they are very good, but just dont fit with rap

Would you mind critting mine? the links in my sig, if you have time.
#12
yeah the newest rap is getting meaningless, but pac was the best, good song, itd be nice to see a rapper rapping like you (i mean your words)

please crit mine, its in my sig, if you are criting back
#13
Quote by AAA_the_band
hmmm...nice overall, so the only thing is this...
I'm sorry, but this kind of writing doesnt really fit in with rap, its because the rappers now are singing about bullshi* stuff now and the "i feel sorry" or whatever stuff doesnt work. I respect those lyrics, they are very good, but just dont fit with rap

Would you mind critting mine? the links in my sig, if you have time.

Man you can rap about just about anything, just because it isn't violent doesn't mean it won't fit. I play to set it to a kind of slow, R&B/hip-hop beat with an acoustic guitar being fingerpicked, which I already have written on Garageband. I appriciate the input though, thanks, and I will crit for you.
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Ok, I think I really need a chorus, cause I don't really feel like cutting from a song, mainly cause I can't find a good chorus to cut from. Can you guys help me write one?
#14
i like the acoustic over a r&b beat, that sounds good for this song, the beat: whos beat do you compare it to (just trying to get a good idea of the sound)
#15
Quote by MastaBassist10

Thanks about the flow, I was going for a Ludacris meets Kanye West meets Tupac kind of vibe (my top 3 modern rappers). So yeah, I fixed the 'but' thing as best I could, but I haven't aton a songwriting expirience, so its not gonna be perfect. Could you give me some more specifics, please?

well the flow really depends on your delivery...of the lyrics...which words and syllables are stressed and unstressed really dictate the flow of any sung/rapped lyrics (yes, I know this sounds like an english lesson, but bear with me) and which syllables/words are (un)stressed depends on the lyricist who's delivering the words...so, if you can make the whole peice flow with your delivery than you really dont need me to suggest changing anything about the piece to affect the flow, because it would be affecting the flow as I see it...which will mean nothing if you see it another way and it flows with your delivery as it is now...

hope I didnt confuse you

and right now I cant remember which lines I thought could use one extra/less word...but like I said it doesnt matter how I interpret the flow its how you deliver it and if you can do it well with the material you have now than you dont need my help...

I do have a few more comments though...I think this line should be changed..
"I try to do better, I really try to fix it
Go back and fix my wrongs"
I think the second line is basically reiterating the first, yet adding a small detail...so to avoid this I think the two should be fused into something like this..
"I try to do better, Try to (go back) and fix/right my wrongs"

also, some of the writing is a bit too simplistic...such as these lines
"And they forget this and just go on doing their bad"
"But when I try to go back and fix it"

and this line isnt simplistic, I just like it
"But we continue to treat people like things in the zoo "

Dont be afraid to revise your phrasing using a thesaurus or w/e, Canibus isnt the only rapper who can write rhymes using big words
"All matter is merely energy condensed into a slow vibration and we're all one consciousness experiencing ourselves subjectively, theres no such thing as death, life is just a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."
#16
Quote by AmplifySilence
i like the acoustic over a r&b beat, that sounds good for this song, the beat: whos beat do you compare it to (just trying to get a good idea of the sound)

Well, like I said, my top 3 favorite rappers at the momment are 2pac, Ludacris and Kanye West, so I'm either going to model it around Ludacris's "Child of the Night" or Kanye's "Spaceship".
Quote by XeNoCiDe730
1.well the flow really depends on your delivery...of the lyrics...which words and syllables are stressed and unstressed really dictate the flow of any sung/rapped lyrics (yes, I know this sounds like an english lesson, but bear with me) and which syllables/words are (un)stressed depends on the lyricist who's delivering the words...so, if you can make the whole peice flow with your delivery than you really dont need me to suggest changing anything about the piece to affect the flow, because it would be affecting the flow as I see it...which will mean nothing if you see it another way and it flows with your delivery as it is now...

hope I didnt confuse you

2.and right now I cant remember which lines I thought could use one extra/less word...but like I said it doesnt matter how I interpret the flow its how you deliver it and if you can do it well with the material you have now than you dont need my help...

I do have a few more comments though...I think this line should be changed..
"I try to do better, I really try to fix it
Go back and fix my wrongs"
I think the second line is basically reiterating the first, yet adding a small detail...so to avoid this I think the two should be fused into something like this..
"I try to do better, Try to (go back) and fix/right my wrongs"

also, some of the writing is a bit too simplistic...such as these lines
"And they forget this and just go on doing their bad"
"But when I try to go back and fix it"

and this line isnt simplistic, I just like it
"But we continue to treat people like things in the zoo "

3.Dont be afraid to revise your phrasing using a thesaurus or w/e, Canibus isnt the only rapper who can write rhymes using big words

1.I understand you. Before I started to even try to write, it studied carefully some of my favorite guys, like the ones I mentioned before, and realized that they can make something that would sound completely out of place sound good.

2.Yeah, I'll weed out some of those lines and others, of course. I do the same with music, I'll write a song and weed out the crap, put in some different stuff, edit it, whatever. I went over this three times before I posted this and I'll probably do it five times more before its a finished product, and I don't even know if I'll even like it them. But don't worry, I can hear it all in my head, and it seems to fit (for now ).

3.I know he [Canibus] likes big words, but I feel I communicate best to other (and myself), thus expressing myself better when I use everyday words and slang.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 18, 2006,
#17
Quote by D!zZ~3
pretty good man, i like it, but as most aspiring rappers should know your not goin' to make it big rappin' about today's problems if you do you'll be killed*Pac cough*, but yeah it sounds like it would be pretty tight

if you still have the chorus put it up man, either me or somebody else might be able to fix it up


not true dude, immortal technique raps for a reason, and so do many other intellectual rappers.

but good job man, rap for a cause, keep it going.
do what you think is right.
this is really good.
#18
H to the izo
B to the izay
listen up homeboy:
RAP IS GAY

Now everbody in the 202
listen to this $h!+
rap is through


thats the rap that i wrote...about my extreme hate of rap......im not telling you to give up rap, im just holding up for us Rockers out here.....keep wrighting (preferable not rap, but what ever floats your boat) keep with it
UG's HIPPIE
#19
^You do realize that, when you really break it down, rap and rock are the same thing, but with different beats?
#20
Quote by MastaBassist10
Well, like I said, my top 3 favorite rappers at the momment are 2pac, Ludacris and Kanye West, so I'm either going to model it around Ludacris's "Child of the Night" or Kanye's "Spaceship".

1.I understand you. Before I started to even try to write, it studied carefully some of my favorite guys, like the ones I mentioned before, and realized that they can make something that would sound completely out of place sound good.

2.Yeah, I'll weed out some of those lines and others, of course. I do the same with music, I'll write a song and weed out the crap, put in some different stuff, edit it, whatever. I went over this three times before I posted this and I'll probably do it five times more before its a finished product, and I don't even know if I'll even like it them. But don't worry, I can hear it all in my head, and it seems to fit (for now ).

3.I know he [Canibus] likes big words, but I feel I communicate best to other (and myself), thus expressing myself better when I use everyday words and slang.

1. ok...glad you understand that...

2. good to know it all works out for you...

3. yea but it doesnt hurt to experiment and sometimes it helps a lot using unusual or "bigger" words, I know Canibus overdoes a bit...a lot actually, lol, but different words can really enhance the point you're trying to make...

example: You dont deserve anything but a peice of rotten poop!
(revised with "bigger" words) You deserve nothing save for a chunk of fermented excrement.

see? maybe thats a bad example ...
"All matter is merely energy condensed into a slow vibration and we're all one consciousness experiencing ourselves subjectively, theres no such thing as death, life is just a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."
#22
I like how this was pulled off, it captures my intrest. I refuse to say 'rap is ****' and whether I like it or not is my buissiness, but I liked this as a song, and this song happens to be rap Don't let people who hate bring you down.
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#24
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
H to the izo
B to the izay
listen up homeboy:
RAP IS GAY

Now everbody in the 202
listen to this $h!+
rap is through


thats the rap that i wrote...about my extreme hate of rap......im not telling you to give up rap, im just holding up for us Rockers out here.....keep wrighting (preferable not rap, but what ever floats your boat) keep with it
Why do you hate rap?
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 18, 2006,
#25
ok im REALLY not a fan of rap at all. But i really do like the lyrics. The Begining of the second Stanza is my favorite part.

Now I?ll be the first man to tell you
That I ain?t perfect

I just really liked that part. Good job Man.
#27
I liked it. I agree with dorkus though, some of the lines seemed a little iffy. Edit it a little and you could realy have something good.
#28
Quote by Heascase
I liked it. I agree with dorkus though, some of the lines seemed a little iffy. Edit it a little and you could realy have something good.

Well, like I said, I'm gonna fix it a million times over, and then see what I've got.

In the meantime, check out "The Nonconformist's Oath", in my sig.
#31
nice i think it would flow and it is refreshing to say the least to be reminded of when rap and hip hop were important parts of music. when people had something to say and they said it. and who cares if youre a sburban white boy if you feel it express it and dont take **** from people putting you in stereotypes. rock on! or should that be rap on!?
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#33
i like yours 2. try startin a jazzy band with beats and orchesta samples, bass, synths and barely any guitar in the irish countryside. you gotta have thick skin.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#34
Quote by curtis uck
i like yours 2. try startin a jazzy band with beats and orchesta samples, bass, synths and barely any guitar in the irish countryside. you gotta have thick skin.

Is that what you did? That's pretty cool.
#35
thats what im tryin to do, i get laughed at a lot. ah wel. if you ever want some sick ass beats for some rap or watever just ask and ill cook you up somethin
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#36
Quote by MastaBassist10

So how many times must I go on and **** up?
How many times must I tell the world to shut up?


Hah, that's how I feel most of the time.
Good rap, keep it up man.
#37
Quote by curtis uck
thats what im tryin to do, i get laughed at a lot. ah wel. if you ever want some sick ass beats for some rap or watever just ask and ill cook you up somethin

Good luck man, if I ever need anything, I'll PM you.
#38
Hey man, I'm not into rap, but that's not what matters, it's the lyrics. And as far as i'm concerned they're good. Keep it up and don't worry wut people like extreme skater says because( unless you wanna be famous) it doesn't matter wut people think as long as it is an outlet for you. White boy+ Rap = Priceless.lol. J/K man keep it up.
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