#1
This is a poem I wrote more recently. I feel that a few lines in it seem a little cliche, so I'm going to keep working with it. By the way, crit for crit.



"Tiny Strings"

Tiny strings oscillate, awakening our existence.
Its raw beauty drawing two hearts closer together.
In a chamber occupied with passion, we sit in rapture.
In this instant, space and time mean nothing.
Just her and I, soaring throughout eternity.

The moment is ruptured.
She speaks...

"This enigmatic beauty is overwhelming.
Never has something so ambiguous touched me so profoundly.
I want to experience this forever."


She grips my hand, and I revert back into ecstacy.
Time lapses, and my setting becomes irrelevant.
The grand finale approaches.
Silence...
I emerge and look her in the eyes.

The curtains close.
Last edited by As_I_Lay_Dying5 at Jul 18, 2006,
#2
I think this is really good, just a couple of little things I'd change.

Firstly in the second line "Its raw beauty drawing two hearts closer together." are you talking about the existence or the tiny strings because if its the tiny strings it should be "Their raw beauty drawing two hearts closer together."

Also I'm not too keen on the word extraneous, it seems a bit too analytical and cold. Whereas the rest of the poem is based around passion.

Crit 4 Crit?

If you have time could you crit my song, its in my signiture.
Quote by StaggHound
That's the problem with kids today. No upper body strength.
Back in my day, when you smashed a guitar, it stayed smashed.


Cunning Pikes

The one and only member of the Cunning Pike Club.
#3
Thank you for noticing that. It is about the strings. Actually to be more specific, it's directed toward the sound that these strings are producing.

And about extraneous; I didn't want to use the word unimportant. So, I settled for that. But if you or anyone else have any suggestions about a better word I'd be more than happy to take it into consideration. Thanks alot, and I will get around to criting your work soon.
#4
Personally I'd use the word irrelevant or perhaps even immaterial, they're a bit more powerful than unimportant and fit more with the word range of the poem. In the end though its up to you.
Quote by StaggHound
That's the problem with kids today. No upper body strength.
Back in my day, when you smashed a guitar, it stayed smashed.


Cunning Pikes

The one and only member of the Cunning Pike Club.
#5
thats really good, it melds together really well, although im not sure what extraneous means :S

other than that it really touched me, good work

could u crit mine please, links in my sig
PSN: Noverion
#7
yeah i thought it was good too, nothing much to say that hasnt already, i liked it, what kind of music?

my newest is in my sig