#1
dont know what youll think of this...crit4crit...excuse my punctuation errors (not a song, just a poem)


Tear it apart,
until you cant feel this pain anymore,
without a heart,
i tried but failed to understand the sore,
try again, then, feel again.

Dont say goodbye,
until my last breath becomes itself,
a second try,
patient love waiting on the shelf,
be my friend, then, try again

we'll breathe and not forget,
we will be but not yet.
#2
I think this could work if it was acoustic guitar and kinda quiet, apathetic lyrics, then the last 2 lines come in with loud distorted guitar and screaming lyrics...then ends with an intense solo. Just an idea
Last edited by OpposingForce at Jul 18, 2006,
#3
hey, that actually sounds good, thanx, might just rethink and make it into a song, any crits on the lyrics?
#4
I like the lyrics. Not exactly the next 'Hurt' but its got a strong emotional connection if you were to hit the right notes and good timing.

Like the first verse could be normal but diminishing, then it goes to a quiet strum of the acoustic, then the second verse comes in and sung slow and very sad, almost crying, then...a quick little thing with the acoustic again, before the loud distortion and screaming lyrics come in at the very end, and maybe repeat the last line a few times, getting louder each time and more intense.
#5
man i really like those ideas, thanx, wasnt going for too strong of lyrics, just something to get my point across
#10
hey great poem....i think you sould make it into a song though man....and why dont you show your songs to your love? we might not have much longer on earth ....so what are you waiting for? go get her!!!
could you prvate messge your other songs that you never showed her? i might be able to help you out on some stuff.....
oh yeah, and do you think that if i deleted a song that i put on this week and put a different one on in its place...would they close it since i've put 2 on this week?
peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#11
It was kinda short for my taste, but what you have is great so far! I like that it has short, choppy sentences in between the long ones. It breaks it up a little bit, and it makes it more interesting and original. Good job so far, but I would definitely add some stuff to it if i were you!
#13
overall it was a pretty quick piece.
thats the best way i can describe it.
An easy way to improve the flow would be for the last line, which I feel is VERY strong, you should change around the wording perhaps.

We will be but not forget
We will be but just not yet

that matches up a bit more i think. Overall it was a quick, good, read.
#14
I actually thought it was pretty good. I especially liked the rhyme scheme with the ABABC, it is a good breathe of fresh air from the AAABBB stuff. keep working at it and maybe develop another verse. nice work buddy
#17
Sorry, I just can't like this, it seems bland and unimaginitive. My advice would be to try and not let out your feelings so directly, keep it subtle and use poetic techniques to imply your feelings but not saying them so simply.
#18
allright man, thanx for that comment^, this song im going for very direct- i just want to say what i feel, im writing more verses and theyre all pretty direct, i usually dont like songs like this either so i understand, but thats what im going for here, my other songs are a lot less like this. thanx a lot for the crit though.
#19
Quote by OpposingForce
I think this could work if it was acoustic guitar and kinda quiet, apathetic lyrics, then the last 2 lines come in with loud distorted guitar and screaming lyrics...then ends with an intense solo. Just an idea


I agree with everything said, but have an electric play on clean while the acoustic plays. But don't let the electric over power the acoustic.
#22
Quote by OpposingForce
I think this could work if it was acoustic guitar and kinda quiet, apathetic lyrics, then the last 2 lines come in with loud distorted guitar and screaming lyrics...then ends with an intense solo. Just an idea

I like this idea, but instead of coming in with a solo, how about you just do this monster feedback and then cut it? Good work, though, man.
#23
?... i dont know, ill try both and see what i like better when i record...what about the words, what do u think?
#24
Quote by AmplifySilence
?... i dont know, ill try both and see what i like better when i record...what about the words, what do u think?

The words are pretty good, they work for me, so I guess they will for you.
#27
Stop bumping your own work, dammit. You do it with every piece, and tend to get more responses than anyone else, even when they're are not worth it. Use the edit button, it's pretty simple to do.
#28
so.. this is a answer not a bump-- man thats cool im sorry, and sorry for dissing your comment but that is what im going for man, thats cool though, i am trying to get better crits other than "that's good man" but thanx all for your comments,
#29
lol, its so funny, just cuz their posts dont bump they get mad at others...
Agree with MastaBassist, cut the solo. This would do good just like it is. Post the other verses so we can get a better picture of it.


Cheese ...... $3.00
Coffee ...... $1.00 - $3.00
Jack Sparrow bathed in cheese and holding a cup of coffee in his hands..... Priceless
#30
Quote by jallas
Can I bump songs that are not receiving critiques?
No. If you bump your thread for critiques it will be closed, and if I see you doing it repeatedly you will be warned.


Oh max.duncan, from the lyrics tips thread ^^

Shut up trying to be clever and respect the rules and the other users of the forum.
#32
he's not bumping anymore tho. Besides, i was just saying how funny it is when people react to certain things... hmmm interesting *writes notes*

Anyway, the song, or actually, what you wrote is pretty good. I like the flow of it. You should try to make it into a song, it's got potential.


Cheese ...... $3.00
Coffee ...... $1.00 - $3.00
Jack Sparrow bathed in cheese and holding a cup of coffee in his hands..... Priceless