#1
this came to me at about 4:30 in the morning when i couldnt sleep. i couldnt let it go so i had to run to get a pen and piece of paper before i forgot it. its inspired by one of my favorite pieces of american folklore and anyone familiar with the story of the jersey devil should find this interesting. crit for crit and please enjoy.

Jersey Devil

Mother didn?t want me,
Mother didn?t want me,
Mother didn?t want me,
Yeah,

Said I was too ugly,
Said I was too ugly,
Said I was too ugly,
Yeah,

Gave me to the devil,
Gave me to the devil,
Gave me to the devil,
Yeah,

The whole world ****ing hates me,
The whole world ****ing hates me,
The whole world ****ing hates me,
Yeah
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
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Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

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Last edited by wingedgopher at Jul 18, 2006,
#2
remiins me of nirvana

if its grunge its ****in amazin, very kurt, love it lvoeit love it, the simplicy, oh i worship u


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#3
thanks man, i was reading it and thinking how it reminds me a little of floyd the barber
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#4
There isnt realy much substance to it. I agree, it sounds like an early nirvana song. As much as i like grunge i just dont realy like this very much. Sorry man.
#5
its alright, criticism will make me better.
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#6
dude, we like alot of weird songs but this one is just out there dude. not so much hate and your songs would be better. but other than it's a very weird song, not bad. peace, WOODnotes

crit for crit
#8
Quote by a-user-name
I like this.. it is like one of those simple nirvana songs... killer man... I love it, I am familiar with the story of the jersey devil, so I think it's cool... keep it up man...


thanks. i think most people just dont get it and thats why they think its weird. i wanted it to be from the creatures viewpoint to make it look like its not so evil but rather just misunderstood.
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#9
i love the jersey devil tale, but this is a bit different then any other song i no, it could be sang, but i think it might be a little hard to...
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#10
Quote by punkMETALskater
i love the jersey devil tale, but this is a bit different then any other song i no, it could be sang, but i think it might be a little hard to...


it would have to be kinda split up. ive yet to add a chorus but i dont know if it would make it any better. ill have to jam with my band and figure it out. thanks for the crit.
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#11
Yeah it does sound like a nirvana song. But hey everything you write gets you better I always say. Not much to it. But even two lines could be all a song needs. I liked it. Keep writing.
#12
Quote by Inprisoned
Yeah it does sound like a nirvana song. But hey everything you write gets you better I always say. Not much to it. But even two lines could be all a song needs. I liked it. Keep writing.


do you have anything you want me to crit?
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#13
I'm going to be pretty critical, because this is waaaaay too simple. Why not turn it into one verse?

Mother didn?t want me,
Said I was too ugly,
Gave me to the devil,
The whole world ****ing hates me

I would say that's far better already. Less repetitive, for a start. Although I hate, hate, hate it when things such as 'The whole world ****ing hates me' are said in a song, but that's just me. Just write a couple more verses and a chorus in this style and it could be a pretty decent song.
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#14
Quote by HuskerDu
I'm going to be pretty critical, because this is waaaaay too simple. Why not turn it into one verse?

Mother didn?t want me,
Said I was too ugly,
Gave me to the devil,
The whole world ****ing hates me

I would say that's far better already. Less repetitive, for a start. Although I hate, hate, hate it when things such as 'The whole world ****ing hates me' are said in a song, but that's just me. Just write a couple more verses and a chorus in this style and it could be a pretty decent song.


yeah but that defeats the entire purpose of the song. got anything that needs a crit?
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#15
I think it's kindof bluesy, with the repetitives and stuff. Although if played and sung right then it could sond grunge-like
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#16
Quote by Zman
I think it's kindof bluesy, with the repetitives and stuff. Although if played and sung right then it could sond grunge-like


i never thought of that. good idea man, its always nice to have options.
Quote by SForbz-Rockstar
You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.