#1
The Willow

Beneath the willow tree
A young boy reflects
On how his first uninspired decision
Brought a wave of willful neglect.
He wrapped his tiny fingers around the branches
As they draped over his body
And the leaves dwindling from above
Like a mother weeping for her child
Who she was unable to love.
Creating a loose knot, enough to slip around his neck
Knowing the stereotypical situation is what most people would expect.
He did it to set the stage for his attempt to steal the limelight
But he knew deep insde that he forgot all of his lines
Suffering from a severe case of "stage fright"
Cowering behind the willow curtain for the third time.
But a girl approached the hideaway
Her voice slicing the curtain in two
Outstretched her arm towards the boy
And said "Please take my hand, so I can follow you."
Grasping her hand, the boy stood up and cried
As he now had to place his entire being of trust amongst her eyes
Which were green, not with envy, but with an inviting sense of surprise.
And that is when he knew, that everything would be alright
Oh how every night thereafter, he kneeled in front of the windowsill and prayed
For everything to be alright
Because to lose that girl who approached him that day
Would rekindle the gray flames that were just blown out deep inside
Suffocating the boy's one last gasping breath of his decreasing pride
And ultimately setting ablaze the young boy, the willow and his emotions
In a weathered decay of reprise.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jul 19, 2006,
#3
This seems like an original way of going about things.

The rhyming at the end I felt was too much. The odd bit would have been fine, but I think that such an abundance took concentration away from the content.

The rest of it appears good. Imagery is decent here, and you've described it all very well.

''Stereotypical situation'' was a bit of a mouthful.
#4
wow some of those words are great...but you need to break it up and edit it a bit. Try to get the number of syllables in each line in good moderation and get yourself a rhyming pattern. (ABAB or AABCBC) It makes it sound so much better.
Quote by guitar_man_guy
Funniest story ever.

So Im in my room with my girlfriend, and Im getting a blow job (It's like 11 at night, thought everyone was asleep) and my brother opens the door while saying "Duuude you wont believe what I just caught Mom and Dad doing!"
#5
I really liked this one.. well thought out. The only thing I can grumble a bit about is:

'Her voice slicing the curtain in two
Outstretched her arm towards the boy
And said "Please take my hand, so I can follow you."'

When I first read through it I was loving it until the two/you rhyme here... it just didn't seem to fit for me and I lost a bit of imersion in the piece. Don't know what to say to improve but imo this seemed to break the mood for me a little... it was then followed by....

Grasping her hand, the boy stood up and cried
As he now had to place his entire being of trust amongst her eyes
Which were green, not with envy, but with an inviting sense of surprise.

I think it would sound better without as much rhyme.. cried and eyes worked fine for me but then when followed by surprise just seemed a little much.

I did really enjoy the piece though and the only real thing was the two/you bit I didn't like (imo) - the rest is prolly me just been picky.

(If you get a chance could you please have a look at this one please bud)



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#6
Yea, CJW and Sandman, you are right. I didnt notice it then, but I realize now that I did force rhyme a bit causing unnecessary flow and overuse of scheme. I didnt really focus on keeping one scheme, which caused a minor problem. To be honest, I had separate stanzas and then just decided to smush it together...haha.

And thanks Jmilli. If I decided to rework some parts around I will take what you have said into consideration. It seems that a few spots throughout the piece is really what threw it off, but they are minor changes that can be fixed

But thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. Everything will be returned

Anymore crits/comments?
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#7
I like this, I think it's cool....

"Beneath the willow tree, A young boy reflects,On how his first uninspired decision
Brought a wave of willful neglect." I like that as an opening, it's good.

some of the rhymes did seem a little forced, but it's already been brought up and you said you're gonna change them... I think it'll be really good with whatever changes you make, since it's already good to begin with... good job and keep on writing..
Last edited by a-user-name at Jul 20, 2006,
#8
this poem is crafted extremely well, and you manage to appear articulate and expressive without being TOO abstract or at all prententious. the only issue i take with this, which worked for me but may not work for others, is that i read it with a nursery kind of rhyme flow to it, so as to fit in all the rhyming that sounded best to me. I really enjoyed that, because a mixture of that song in my mind and a story that is almost like a take off of a childrens story (tree blah blah, you know what i mean lol) it makes an interesting twist. it worked for me, but you might wanna be aware of that.

check out my latest if you get anytime man, "in precisely five weeks'