#1
Okay, everyone. This is something WAY different from my usual stuff. It's kind of spur of the moment cause one of my friends just called and said her uncle died and she's going to see her cousins as I type. I've been listening to a lot of Jack Johnson and Jack's Mannequin lately and I guess this is the result. Anyways, here it is:
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EDITED
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The footsteps on the sidewalk, they start to fade
The steady rhythm of your feet, walking away
As the lights on the screen fade into nothing
The beeping becomes just one long tone

The sunshine's gone and all that's left is the rain
Outdoors and internal, both for the pain
The "comforting" whispers, they're only temporary
But your picture is a permanent scar

The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you not there
It's the blank screen that happens to be my head
The orchestra on mute that's jamming my brainwaves
The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you

The sunshine's gone and all that's left is the rain
Both outdoors and internal, both for the pain
The "comforting" whispers, they're only temporary
But your picture is a permanent scar

The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you not there
It's the blank screen that happens to be my head
The orchestra on mute that's jamming my brainwaves
The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you
Last edited by the_me_effect at Jul 22, 2006,
#4
Quote by W4T3V3R
sucks


Wow

Anyway...

The footsteps on sidewalk, they start to fade
The footsteps on the sidewalk, maybe?
The steady rhythm of your feet is going away
I think walking sound a bit better then going, "going" just is too indefinete a word
As the lights on the screen fade into nothing
The beeping becomes just one long tone
ended well, here

The sunshine's gone and all that's left is the rain
Both indoors and outdoors, both for the pain
Hmmm... I think that using "indoors and outdoors" sort of kills this line. I suggest you say something like "Both insidie and out" or "Outside and within" or whatever
The puddles on the floor are only temporary
puddles = pool
But your picture is a permanent scar

The silence and staring into thin air
Is the effect of you not there
I personally wouldn't use "there"
It's the blank screen that happens to be my head
The orchestra on mute that's jamming my brainwaves
The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you

The sunshine's gone and all that's left is the rain
Both indoors and outdoors, both for the pain
The puddles on the floor are only temporary
But your picture is a permanent scar

The silence and staring into thin air
Is the effect of you not there
It's the blank screen that happens to be my head
The orchestra on mute that's jamming my brainwaves
The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you

So overall, this wasn't that bad. I think that the greatest problem in this piece was that you didn't have the best word choice. Just think of how you can say things to make it sound more interesting. You'd probably have to re-think you rhyme scheme, but it'll help in the long run, I think. This was pretty good outside of the word choices. Nice imagery and you conveyed your thoughts pretty well. Nice work, with a little more tweaking, this can be awesome
Dem Dry Bones
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#5
It doesn't suck. It may not be great but it certainly does not suck. I agree Doc rock, not the best word play and in some parts of the song the metaphores didn't flow well with the concept. But over all it was written well just had a flaws in it.( like most peoples writing). But in no way did it SUCK.
#6
I dunno, I liked it. I can see where you were going with it and it looks great. I agree that there are word choices you could've made to make it better, but overall it was good.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=398258
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#7
Thanks a lot everyone. Well, like I said, it was kind of spur of the moment (a.k.a. written while I was half asleep :P). I'll work on it and edit soon.
#9
i like it. like were it was headed. not he best choice of words. try fixing it up and mixin it around make it flow a little better.

mind criting mine? links in sig "beauty fades"
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#10
doesn't suck-just needs a little work thats all
really good start-just a little too repetitive-add some new verses
i like it so far
#11
Yo yo gorgeous everyone's saying you need to change your wording, so, for the sake of their procrastination i'll give you a hand k? this song is amazing (as i've said before) but to keep people happy i'll show you something k? hope you don't take this the wrong way, i'm just helping? Love ya, all the changes are just to make other people happy and how i personally would write it

The footsteps on the sidewalk, they start to fade
The steady rhythm of your feet, walks away
As the lights on the screen fade into nothing
The beeping fades to just one tone

Ok, The changes here aren't really neccessary i just thought they sounded cool :p great verse.

The sunshine's gone and all that's left is the rain
Outdoors - internal - both in for the pain
The "comforting" whispers, they're only temporary
But your picture is a permanent scar

There, that's the only change for this one sounds brilliant, i love the last two lines, genius.

The silence brings staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you not there
It's the blank screen that happens to be my head
The orchestra on mute that's jamming my brainwaves
The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you

Hmmm, ok i'm stuck, it's a great verse, really well written but there's something weird about it, i reckon with music it would be perfect but i just can't find it. The lyrics are fine, there's no need to change them i just need to see how it sounds really. It's really good, well done

The sunshine's gone and all that's left is the rain
Both outdoors and internal, both for the pain
The "comforting" whispers, they're only temporary
But your picture is a permanent scar

The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you not there
It's the blank screen that happens to be my head
The orchestra on mute that's jamming my brainwaves
The silence and staring into thin air
Is the after-effect of you


Brilliant Chicka really really good, i don't know what everyone else is saying, it's how you write and it's perfect in that sense, keep it up glad i got you hooked on Jack's Mannequin? coz you should be
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