#1
Please give me a minute and crit this, it's slow folksy/bluesy rock. Crit 4 Crit, just drop a link.

Gone Away (working title)-

The wind blows slowly by,
And the sun lifts off a new horizon,
I watch the sky,
And rise up from were I'd been lyin'
The birds are in the trees,
Singin' about better times than these,

And so I cry,
For a world that's lost in sorrow,
They fight today,
And put off lovin' for tomorrow,
So I turn my head and sigh,
'Cause I've left that world behind,

And life rolls on,
On and on,
On and on,
Right by me.

A slow stream passes through,
And the sunshine dances on its water.
Crystal blue,
And I swim with Mother Nature's daughter.
Then she wades on out and sings,
About better times than these.

So I know it's true,
And too many tears've been shed for my part,
What can I do?
'Cause they're enough to fill the hole in my heart.
So I've left that world behind,
To save you grief and peace of mind

And life rolls on,
On and on,
On and on,
Right by me.

Ooooo
Right by me....

Is anything here cliche? Does it flow? Rock and Rule!
#2
Excellent, I really cannot find anything wrong with it.

I like the simple yet effective words you use , nice job man.

I can just visualise it with some Led Zeppelin-esque music and a laid back voice.
You should a make a song with this man.
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#3
Perfect! =) The only thing I'd change is the title, only because it sounds too cliche for such original lyrics! Keep up the great work, it rocks!
#7
wow really good. its simple and original i like it, also i liked the imagry pretty good. i wouldnt change anything. .. xcept the title.. idk im not good at giving titles. most of my stuff remains untitled for weeks. lol.
#8
I thought it was pretty good. The flow isn't perfect but doesn't really ditract from it.

If I'm being picky.... I don't like the repeat of the word 'world' in the second stanza - imo I'd change that.

I really like this stanza:

'A slow stream passes through,
And the sunshine dances on its water.
Crystal blue,
And I swim with Mother Nature's daughter.
Then she wades on out and sings,
About better times than these.'

I'd change the title too - it's a little bland but as you said it's a working title.

(Could you have a look at this one if you get a chance please)



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#10
Alright, you made me feel like in ass in my other thread, thank you for that, so I'm gonna give you a real crit this time.

A slow stream passes through,
And the sunshine dances on its water.
Crystal blue,
And I swim with Mother Nature's daughter.
Then she wades on out and sings,
About better times than these.

I really like this stanza, and it really does sound like Robert Plant's writing, which is oly reinforced by the chorus and the "oooh" and the end. I honestly don't see anything wrong with it, but I would put it with a slow, "Black Sabbath" (the song) type score, it would sound very cool, and the bright lyrics would really contrast well with the dark music.