#1
Aaaahhhhhhh

Critique for critique just leave a link. please be aware that I say critique for critique, not comment for comment. I don't have much to say about this other than I have never tried smoking and I do not smoke, if thats what you think you get from this.

Enjoy

In between the smoke and the dark
I can see you
Hear you
Almost smell you
If it wasn't for that damn smoke

In between the sips and the gulps
I glance at you
Stare at you
Almost catch you
If it wasn't for that damn dark

Then a path opens
The crowd parts
I'm quick like lightning when I need to be
So here I am sitting next to you
Just remind me why I did it
Because I realise that the smoke is yours
And with your smoke comes the darkness

But I still I go about
Listening to your nicotine mouth
Looking into your nicotine eyes
Fiddling with your nicotine hair

Holding your nicotine hands
Rubbing your nicotine thighs
Kissing your nicotine lips

Caressing your nicotine hips
Inspecting your nicotine sheets
Sleeping in your nicotine bed

You are nicotine
And I'm addicted
#2
I dont like the last stanza but everything else is very good. I like how you tied the whole cigarettes/smoke/nicotine/addiction thing, it worrrrked out realy well. good job.

Crit mine if you want, "apathy" its at the top of the page.
#3
Good piece, but i think the whole "nicotine lips, eyes, etc." brings it down a bit. Maybe think of a different metaphor that has to do with smoking? Possibly "Listening to your smoking mouth, smoking eyes etc" Also, i think you could do without the "And with your smoke comes the darkness" line. With a good editing session it could be really friggen awesome. Links to my songs are in my sig.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
Last edited by Room On Fire at Jul 19, 2006,
#5
Thoroughly boring.

It just doesn't ring well together, sounds like a damn pop song.

Corny parts like " Listening to your nicotine mouth".

The best part was the couplet at the end:

"You are nicotine
And I'm addicted"


But being honest, the rest is dreadful.
Proud Owner of:

Jackson RR3
Jackson WRMG

Quote by madbasslover
What's the big deal with Gibsons, anyway?
I've heard loads of Gibsons being played before
and they don't sound any more special than
any other guitar.

^UG's King Of Fail.
#6
Thanks to all.

Eternal_One:

It's not a song, it's just some writing. I don't see how it sounds like a pop song, really I don't. It's mot lyrics, it's more a poem. I can't argue that you don't know what you're talking about, because you haven't posted anything on here yet, but you haven't given me anything constructive to work off, which tells me that you may, infact, not know what you are talking about. So until I've got some sort of evidence that you're not just attacking a piece you don't like, I'm going to ignore you

To others, thankyou for your time.
#7
I think it is a song. It would be cool when you record it if you start off with an acoustic guiar, then in the middle switch to an electric guitar.
#8
Quote by Quick Axe Player
I think it is a song. It would be cool when you record it if you start off with an acoustic guiar, then in the middle switch to an electric guitar.


No, it isn't a song. I wrote it, trust me, I know
#10
I actually liked the end which most people don't seem to - I think it fits the mood well (imo). The repitition of smoke, dark, nicotine doesn't ditract from the piece.

I didn't think it was the strongest piece in the world but I don't regret reading it either... Its not 'dreadful' for me anyway. Nice twist on a love story with the smoking imagery - don't think I've seen this done much before.

Sorry I've not really said much (well anything) that could improve it... what's there works.

(You can give this a crit if you want but as I haven't really crit this one don't feel obliged)



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#11
*tsk tsk tsk*


I was not flaming you, I was giving my honest to god opinion.

Whether or not you "Accept" it is none of my concern.

I need not "prove" mysellf to you boy.
That is my opinion, take it or leave it..I really don't care.

Since this board is titled "Songwriting And lyrics" I took it for granted it was one of the two, not a "poem" or "just some writing".

sheeesh, all you ppl wanna hear are "IT WAS SO COOL" or "WELL DONE".

If you want an honest crit, you need to expect the worse.
Proud Owner of:

Jackson RR3
Jackson WRMG

Quote by madbasslover
What's the big deal with Gibsons, anyway?
I've heard loads of Gibsons being played before
and they don't sound any more special than
any other guitar.

^UG's King Of Fail.
#12
I love honest crits, but something constructive would have helped rather than "I don't like this", I'd love to know WHY you didn't like this, so I can improve and work on it.

I can tell you that I am purely a lyicist that writes stuff like this when I'm in limbo with writing lyrics- and I am not th eonly one on here that writes like this, in fact the best writers on here usually excel in poem type pieces.

I ain't looking for a fight. Just would rather a critique than an opinion

Thanks all.
#13
im still deciding if i like the whole nicotine thing as a metaphore... i do-it was cool especially the ending. ...yeah rereding it it actually seems pretty good, really good, one thing-i think the last lnes of nocotine go on too long but its up to you, thats just what i think, good song though

my latest is Tell Me to Wait
#14
When I mentioned before about somking, I was joking.

I do actually like this one quite a lot, except, like someone else mentioned, for the overuse of 'nicotine'. I think the whole of the nicotine bit is too plain really, but otherwise it was very good.
#15
Thanks you two, comments appreciated.

Overuse of nicotine=Addicted, but I'm guessing you got that anyway
#17
I only read the 1st 3 or so comments so Im basing mine on theirs...I think the use of nicotine was good because you enforced your point well, which was summed up in the last line. The only thing is the form of the song. The stanzas are pretty much all different lengths dont know if that good...and i think u should say come darkness not comes the darkness and for the oher uses of dark too. Heres mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=397641
#18
i liked it alot. i didnt get the over use of the word ''nicotine'' until i read it a second time. very clever. keep it up.
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^ Im his favorite 2006er.


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i like buttsecks...
#19
Quote by JamesDouglas
I only read the 1st 3 or so comments so Im basing mine on theirs...


Thats an unusual way to go about critiquing a piece of work..

Anywho, thanks all.
#20
The use of senses works well. As you've probably gathered from my work, I'd probably use a profanity as opposed to damn, but hey, that's just me. Maybe perhaps less on the telling and more on the showing? What I mean is, don't explain your imagery, it should be strong enough to explain itself, the best example of this being the last couplet.
Nicely done.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#21
This is really good. I like how you portray addiction. Big plus . The only part I don't care for is the repitition of nicotine. I also think you should have 1 more stanza. Great job.