#1
Ok, I haven't written a song in such long time, so obviously this will be poor.

They?ll defend you, apprehend you
Disguise you and Despise you, too
Then they?ll lie to you, cry to you
And tell you of things so untrue

They took what they wanted
Took what you knew
Caught you hook line and sinker
Then they bid you adieu

Your dreams are all sold out
Pack your things and walk out the door
Turn your back on all things dear
For they don?t love you anymore

The friends you held Sincerely
Clearly don?t hold you dearly, anymore
The razorblade seemed understanding
turned out so demanding and a bore

They took what they wanted
Took everything you knew
Caught you hook line and sinker
With no regard for you


Any thought's on this?
Last edited by _Mayday_ at Sep 2, 2006,
#3
The regime, your friends. . .just controlling, elitist bastards really.

Well i based the song partly on dylan's lyric 'It's alright, Ma(I'm only bleeding)'
So the musis is like that really.
#4
Good substance here, you might just tweek and add some stuff. For example, you keep refering to "they", who is they? I'm just watching "Lost" and while reading this i envisioned that "they" was those secret guys on the island. But i digress. One more thing to look out ofr -- don't force rhymimg too much. If you don't think you are forcing it, try a simpler, less-blatant rhyme scheme which will help it look less forced. Also, could you please crit my piece, Gone Away . Thanks. Rock and Rule.
#5
Quote by _Mayday_
The regime, your friends. . .just controlling, elitist bastards really.

Well i based the song partly on dylan's lyric 'It's alright, Ma(I'm only bleeding)'
So the musis is like that really.

Its not bad then, but I've never heard that Dylan song, what's it sound like?

And could you crit my raps, since I did your stuff? They're in my sign, it would be wonderful if you did. Thanks!
#8
Hmm, I think I like this very much. Actually this is suberb !
Amocracy over democracy.
#9
Quote by _Mayday_
Ok, I haven't written a song in such long time, so obviously this will be poor.

They?ll defend you, apprehend you
Disguise you and Despise you, too
Then they?ll lie to you, cry to you
And tell you of things so untrue

Not really liking the start. Every line rhyming makes it sound bouncy and fake. Im sure every line could have had value but it doesn't sound so good when written like that.

They took what they wanted
Took what you knew
Caught you hook line and sinker
Then they bid you adieu

A bit better. The last two lines were a bit cheesey IMO though, might just be me.

Your dreams are all sold out
Pack your things and walk out the door
Turn your back on all things dear
For they don?t love you anymore

Nice. Although it isn't complicated it seems some how profound to me and I just really liked it for some reason, though I can't put my finger on it. For some reason I really like the word "dear" in that one line.

The friends you held Sincerely
Clearly don?t hold you dearly, anymore
The razorblade seemed understanding
turned out so demamding and a bore

I see you added the anymore to the second line there after the rhyme. That really disturbed the flow as I imagined it. It sounds really crammed and just by changing dearly to something else it might sound better IMO.

They took what they wanted
Took everything you knew
Caught you hook line and sinker
With no regard for you

Already critted this stanza I believe


Any thought's on this?


If its the first thing you've written in a while than you're probly going to write something pretty mediocre and considering that this isn't too bad. My main problem is that it's very vague. It says every part plainly but you don't get any real sense of the situation. Also, I noticed some seemingly random words capitalized, did that mean anything? Sorry if I repeated anything, I haven't read all the other crits.
#10
Quote by sjada
If its the first thing you've written in a while than you're probly going to write something pretty mediocre and considering that this isn't too bad. My main problem is that it's very vague. It says every part plainly but you don't get any real sense of the situation. Also, I noticed some seemingly random words capitalized, did that mean anything? Sorry if I repeated anything, I haven't read all the other crits.



Cheers. The capatalized words are me screwing up. I guess you'd have to hear the song played to get the flow, but thanks for the advice.
#11
Its good i like it, very cool theme. A little short however. Mabey add another verse or something.

I pity the fool who dosen't like this song