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#1
I know this is my third this week, but I deleted one of the, so I wouldn't be taking up uneeded room, hope that's alright.
Its called "Fate of the Lesser", its the shortest piece I've written yet, but I kind of like it. I know the topic is kind of chiche, but what came out came out, right?
<<=+=EDIT: I have re-written this song and posted it on page 2 of this thread, near thee bottom. I guess you can still read this, but I would really appriciate it if you skipped ahead to the re-write, its much more complete. =+=>>
-------------------------
Man, life is dying faster
And apathy?s a bastard
Greed?s become your master
Same with money, lust and more
So you?ve thrown away your loved one?s
Power is the only one
And you won?t stop until what?s said is done
So you go to war
War for money, war for land
War to go and kill God?s damned
The fate of the lesser is in your hand
So you tell the people what they want to hear
Pour some of that sugar in their ear
Make you love them; it?s them they should fear
Make them think the movement?s precious and dear
With the fight, liberation is near!
And people, they will follow
=You=
Until their dying day
=You=
Will lead them to decay
=And you=
Know what needs to be done
To be stabbed with a sword
Or shot with a gun
Cause even they don?t know what they?ve done
Cause they?re innocent?.. [echo out]
-----------------------------------------------
Alright, in case you're wondering, the "="'s around the words signify the beat is stopped. Dunno what kind of beat I want to put it too, so suggestions would be nice.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 20, 2006,
#2
To tell the truth, I don't like rap. But, this is good. Your not talking about killing anybody. I don't know what kind of rap you do, but don't make this ganester rap.
#3
Quote by Quik Axe Player
To tell the truth, I don't like rap. But, this is good. Your not talking about killing anybody. I don't know what kind of rap you do, but don't make this ganester rap.

Thanks, I'm trying to write decent stuff, but I don't really care about getting it big. And not all rap it like that, check out some of 2pac's stuff, even though he can fall into that thug/gangsta stigma.
#4
I'm kinda gettin' the feeling u don't support the president.lol . But that doesn't matter, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I like it. It really gets the point out how you don't like where democracys goin. Very very good. By the way please Crit mine. "Imperfect" and also my newest one " Baseball isn't America's favorite passtime". Thanx
#5
^It was for any leader like that, not nessicarily the preisdent, but it was mostly for him, and the "sugar" was for Hitler, who destroyed millions of my people.
#7
^I have Jewish blood, so in a way, they are my people. I don't practice a religion.

Hey dak, can I get some links to your songs, I'm intrested in "Baseball isn't America's Favorite Pastime."
#10
Liked it, maybe try to work more on the flow and some rhymes.

Have you heard of immortal technique?
#12
Credit for writing raps, first off, and credit also because it ain't shit.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#13
Quote by broken_bottles
Credit for writing raps, first off, and credit also because it ain't shit.
Thank you.
My goals are (in this order):
1. To become a proficent rapper who can spit and flow rhymes on the spot.
2. To bring my messages to the people
3. To change people's (ie people on this site, and other places) ideas about rap, who can do it, and what it can be about.
#16
Man, great work here! I admit that I'm not into the rap scenery, but I really loved those lyrics because they show anger, power and passion above everything! You rock for writing stuff like this and I think you should try to make of these lyrics a slow-yet-powerful tune, a beat like "Gangsta's Paradise" from Coolio, ya know.....I think your lyrics are better, but you could try to extract that depressing and beautiful vibe from that song and work this one out! Please give a shout when you have it recorded! Rock On! =)
#17
^That's a good idea, I like that song, but I'll have to go back and really listen to the beat. Thanks for the idea. Also, I was thinking of doing the whole thing with my voice through a lo-fi filter for a "megaphone" sound. What do you think?
Quote by broken_bottles
Number three will be hard.
You're white.

And from the suburbs. I've often thought about concealing my identity from the public, ala Buckethead minus the whole mask and chicken deal, then reveal myself when I'm well liked enough. That's if I do anything with it.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 19, 2006,
#18
^^That sounds pretty insane and original, really! I love the idea and I think it would sound like a real "manifesto" song: clever and passionante lyrics, megaphone,inc.(kudos 4 that part!) and vocal ambience. That's all you need to make of this a brilliant rap song, man! Keep it up and continue writing because this ROCKS! I admire your style of lyrics a lot! Rock On!

Oh, another thing that came to mind is that you could try to add some echo vocals (maybe a little screaming, but not that kind of guttural screaming, jut something to outstand) on the chorus, but with a melodic back singing.....something more agressive but with a soft background, just to make it bitter-sweet,you know....
#19
[quote="'[NIN"]_ROCK!']^^That sounds pretty insane and original, really! I love the idea and I think it would sound like a real "manifesto" song: clever and passionante lyrics, megaphone,inc.(kudos 4 that part!) and vocal ambience. That's all you need to make of this a brilliant rap song, man! Keep it up and continue writing because this ROCKS! I admire your style of lyrics a lot! Rock On!

Oh, another thing that came to mind is that you could try to add some echo vocals (maybe a little screaming, but not that kind of guttural screaming, jut something to outstand) on the chorus, but with a melodic back singing.....something more agressive but with a soft background, just to make it bitter-sweet,you know....
Thank you, yeah I'm really digging that Gangsta's Paradise beat, a lot, thanks that was a good suggestion, I think I'll use that, or even sample it, since I'm not making any money off of it (thus making it legal, I guess?).

Now when you say "screaming", do you mean like Zach de la Rocha-style screaming? Cause I kind of like that, I'll have to actually rap it out, to see if I can put all these ideas in. And when you suggest echo, do you mean a sort of a "sustaining echo", like in Steve Vai's "For the Love of God" or any Pink Floyd solo (odd comparison, but whatever), where its there, but only to smooth everything out, or like a "talk back" kind of echo, where there is an actual echo?
#20
Very good. As for the screaming as mentioned by [NIN]_ROCK! try to listen to DMX and you could get a idea of screams or shouts to get your point across in the song. It helps to add emotion into your flow.

Have you tried rapping over other peoples beats? Not blank tracks with no vocals, tracks with people rapping so it can give you an idea of what flow to achieve. You will probably need to write more with a chorus to stretch the song out. Its very short when actually rapped.

http://www.myspace.com/youma
Try to DL this song without vocals and put that rap on it. Or try to rap over it. If some words dont flow with the song you can add or remove some words to make it flow easier. Also always focus on your point or you can easily drift off. Many rappers have this problem.
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#21
Quote by Nelsean
1. Very good. As for the screaming as mentioned by [NIN]_ROCK! try to listen to DMX and you could get a idea of screams or shouts to get your point across in the song. It helps to add emotion into your flow.

2. Have you tried rapping over other peoples beats? Not blank tracks with no vocals, tracks with people rapping so it can give you an idea of what flow to achieve. You will probably need to write more with a chorus to stretch the song out. Its very short when actually rapped.

http://www.myspace.com/youma
3. Try to DL this song without vocals and put that rap on it. Or try to rap over it. If some words dont flow with the song you can add or remove some words to make it flow easier. Also always focus on your point or you can easily drift off. Many rappers have this problem.

1. Thanks, I'll listen to DMX, I think I'll pick it up at the library.

2. Yeah, I've tried it with Ludacris's songs, cause he is who I model my flow after. I know its short, its merely a piece I just put up here to get some more crits on my rapping. If I produce it, it'll be an intro or an interlude/skit, but I don't want to make it longer, mostly because I feel I've said what needs to be said, and that's that, for now.

3. Sure, I'll download it when I get home, I'm in California right now and I'm on my dad's computer, and I don't want to download anything onto it, I think you understand. I'll put it on my computer when I get back, though.

Edit: Can you check out "On Life", too, if you haven't already?
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 19, 2006,
#22
If you pick up some DMX try and get "It's Dark and Hell is Hot." Great album! His word play is very good.

I'l check out "On Life" in just a minute.

EDIT: Oh and that myspace song is not a DL. You can listen to it to get a good idea of the track.
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#23
Quote by Nelsean
If you pick up some DMX try and get "It's Dark and Hell is Hot." Great album! His word play is very good.

I'l check out "On Life" in just a minute.

EDIT: Oh and that myspace song is not a DL. You can listen to it to get a good idea of the track.

Alright, thanks for checking it, and I'll check those tracks, thanks.
#24
About the screaming, you can really mixture a lot of genres there, but I'd say.....some Zack De La Rocha or Beasty Boys-ish kind of screaming, they're both very expressive and intense. About the echo, I think you could try to make a remix beteen the echo used by Pink Floyd and the sustaining echo (maybe some talk-back in the part where you say "You", in the chorus). Being a vocal experience, you could also try to put some distortion effects on it, just to know how it sounds like! Good luck and ROCK ON!
#25
"Very Led Zeppelin sounding, like said. I like it. Thumbs up.
Crit for crit? Links in sig" Dude, this was the crit you left for me, I certainly don't call that a crit. I'll crit you but please go back and give me something to work with. Anyways, Great song, I enjoyed reading it. I love the metaphor "Pour some of that sugar in their ear", It's so applicable and true. I love the critical assessments of people you put throughout because they're all so true. To me, this song is kind of like a wake up call. The last stanza is a really great way to wrap it up.

=And you=
Know what needs to be done-powerful message
To be stabbed with a sword-vivid picture
Or shot with a gun-vivid picture
Cause even they don?t know what they?ve done-Great thought
Cause they?re innocent?.. [echo out]-Wow, thats even more powerful

Great song. Is it a rap? If so, that's my only problem with it cause I'm a die hard rocker. j.k.
#27
Quote by flashbandit
"Very Led Zeppelin sounding, like said. I like it. Thumbs up.
Crit for crit? Links in sig" Dude, this was the crit you left for me, I certainly don't call that a crit. I'll crit you but please go back and give me something to work with. Anyways, Great song, I enjoyed reading it. I love the metaphor "Pour some of that sugar in their ear", It's so applicable and true. I love the critical assessments of people you put throughout because they're all so true. To me, this song is kind of like a wake up call. The last stanza is a really great way to wrap it up.

=And you=
Know what needs to be done-powerful message
To be stabbed with a sword-vivid picture
Or shot with a gun-vivid picture
Cause even they don?t know what they?ve done-Great thought
Cause they?re innocent?.. [echo out]-Wow, thats even more powerful

Great song. Is it a rap? If so, that's my only problem with it cause I'm a die hard rocker. j.k.

I'm sorry, I didn'tknow what else to say, seeing as I'm so inexpireinced in songwriting. I'll go back and fix it.
#28
Quote by MastaBassist10
Thank you.
My goals are (in this order):
1. To become a proficent rapper who can spit and flow rhymes on the spot.
2. To bring my messages to the people
3. To change people's (ie people on this site, and other places) ideas about rap, who can do it, and what it can be about.



I really respect that. I think those are some awesome goals.I hate rap, but that is only because I do not like listening to people curse and call girls bitches and hos and talk about sex all the time and such. If all the rap I heard wasn't about that then I would probably like it. I liked this song you wrote. The best part was:"So you tell the people what they want to hear.Pour some of that sugar in their ear". that really got to me. I loved it! PLEASE DON'T EVER CHANGE THAT LINE!!! lol. anyways I really have a great respect for you, and I hope that you succeed in all of your goals. Good luck.
#29
Quote by yurworthw8ing4
I really respect that. I think those are some awesome goals.I hate rap, but that is only because I do not like listening to people curse and call girls bitches and hos and talk about sex all the time and such. If all the rap I heard wasn't about that then I would probably like it. I liked this song you wrote. The best part was:"So you tell the people what they want to hear.Pour some of that sugar in their ear". that really got to me. I loved it! PLEASE DON'T EVER CHANGE THAT LINE!!! lol. anyways I really have a great respect for you, and I hope that you succeed in all of your goals. Good luck.

Honesttly, I never was a big fan of that line, it reminded me of System of a Down and all I could hear is Serj's singing (which I love, don't get me wrong), and it gave me trouble hearing it as a rap. But you guys seem to like it, and you're the people I'm trying to reach, not myself, so if it only makes it better, I might as well keep it.
#30
aight man, i tried rapping this and its really good flo and looking at the words, its really good. man ill buy youre rap cd
#31
Quote by AmplifySilence
aight man, i tried rapping this and its really good flo and looking at the words, its really good. man ill buy youre rap cd

Haha, or at least download me, I gotta record and get a contract first. I really love doing this, though, I dunno, I guess I could do it seriously.
#32
yeah you have good lyrics man, im sick of hearing the cheap rappers from atlanta, youd be a good one, im really liking youre songs youre putting up, get to work, man

hey, if you have time check out my songs, (rock, in sig)
#33
that rocks. i love it.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#34
Quote by AmplifySilence
yeah you have good lyrics man, im sick of hearing the cheap rappers from atlanta, youd be a good one, im really liking youre songs youre putting up, get to work, man

hey, if you have time check out my songs, (rock, in sig)

Yes, and I'm writing another song that I may put up maybe next week. It might even have a chorus!
#35
Alright, sorry for the double post, but I do have a new copy of "Fate of the Lesser." As I was re-writing it I really looked at the words and I think that a gentle beat won't work anymore, and its progressed into more of a violent kind of rap, but it still has the same principles. Tell me what you think.
--------------
`Man, life is dying faster
And apathy?s a bastard
Greed?s become your master
Same with money, lust and more
So you?ve thrown away your loved one?s
Power is the only one
And you won?t stop until what?s said is done
So you go to war
War for money, war for land
War to go and kill God?s damned
The fate of the lesser is in your hand

So you tell the people what they want to hear!
Pour that sugar in their ear!
Pour some o? that sweet stuff in their ear!
Give them what they want to hear!

Make you love them; it?s them they should fear
Make them think the movement?s dear
With the fight, lib'ration is near!
But violence is the virtue now
Of a good soldier and leader now
People love blood
Killing and war
Which makes every resolvable issue
Turn into much more
There are people shouting
We don?t want this no more
No more violence, bloodshed
And unneeded wars
Cause now the people in control
Have become power whores!


So you tell the people what they want to hear!
Pour that sugar in their ear!
Pour some o? that sweet stuff in their ear!
Give them what they want to hear!

And people, they will follow
=You=
Until their dying day
=You=
Will lead them to decay
=And you=
Know what needs to be done
To be stabbed with a sword
Or shot with a gun
Cause even they don?t know what they?ve done
Cause they?re innocent?.. [echo out]
------------
The beat is going to be pretty hard-hitting now, up until the last line, where its all just going to change to one, fingerpicked, acoustic guitar, which is going to last a bar after the words are done.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 20, 2006,
#37
yeah, i thought it was good, however i thought youre rhyming went off in the last part of the second verse, but the flo is really good and the words and a lot of the rhymes, again-youre really good at this man.
#38
Quote by AmplifySilence
yeah, i thought it was good, however i thought youre rhyming went off in the last part of the second verse, but the flo is really good and the words and a lot of the rhymes, again-youre really good at this man.

Alright, I'll work on the rhyming later, I'm re-writing the beat for it, because the whole atmosphere of the song changed, and thus, so must the beat. Thanks again, and I'm insterested in hearing some of your future stuff, hope its as good as what you're currently putting out.
#40
Quote by AmplifySilence
yeah man, i forgot to say... i really like this title

Thanks, I liked it too (duh).

Ok, I just wrote a cool track with this techno-ish hip-hop beat and an intense, edgy, synth-line that pans slowly from left to right (the synth only, not the drums), and I decided that it would sound best if I kind of whisper-rapped it, like in the Ying-Yang Twins "Whisper", cause its seemed to fit the dark, edgy beat very well.
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