#1
To See him drive,
He's like a maniac,
Sent to court,
now he's pleeding number five,
He's like Simpson, Spangler and Robinson
And I say

Why, Why,
Did you have to take a simple life,
Why, Why,
Did you have take a younguns life,

ooo yea he needs some rationality
ooo yea he needs some sense knocked into his ****in' head

To See me drive,
I'm like a maniac,
Sent to court,
now I'm pleeding number five,
I'm like Simpson, Spangler and Robinson
And he says

Why, Why,
Did you have to take a simple life,
Why, Why,
Did you have take a younguns life,

ooo yea I need some rationality
ooo yea I need some sense knocked into his ****in' head
ooo yea I need some rationality
rationality
rationality

If you have a good name for this song just tell me please
#4
Deep: well, it is and it isn't.
Subject matter wise, yeah, it's deep. The difficulty with this is that you took away from this with the 'ooo' and the lack of detail. I liked it, however, purely because I immediately heard a tune and rhythm in my head as I read, and the Ramones were playing it. Strange.
But it shows that you've got the rhythm cock on.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#5
^^
thanks for the crit. I added a little more detail tell me if you like it more or less than the first.

To See him drive,
He's like a maniac,
He's on the sidewalk,
He's all over the road,
He hits mother,
And her young daughter,
Sent to court,
now he's pleeding number five,
He's like Simpson, Spangler and Robinson
And I say

Why, Why,
Did you have to take a simple life,
Why, Why,
Did you have take a younguns life,

yea he needs some rationality
yea he needs some sense knocked into his ****in' head

To See me drive,
I'm like a maniac,
I'm on the sidewalk,
I'm all over the road,
I hit mother,
And her young daughter,
Sent to court,
now I'm pleeding number five,
I'm like Simpson, Spangler and Robinson
And he says

Why, Why,
Did you have to take a simple life,
Why, Why,
Did you have take a younguns life,

I need some rationality
I need some sense knocked into my ****in' head
I need some rationality
rationality
rationality
#6
I think the difficulty here is that you're being too blatant. Show, don't tell. What I mean by that is, instead of narrating simple events, your writing can be much more effective by creating a picture in the reader's mind.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#12
i think the idea of the whole thing is pretty good. but.. i like imagry and the only thing i got wen i read this was sum1 driving on a sidewalk.. idk thats just me, if it has good imagry i like it.
#13
I like the stuff you added to it, it makes it a lot better... the idea is good, like the other guy said. It's a cool concept IMO, and you included some q's in it... that usually makes a piece a little better I think, get's the person to think about what you're talking about a little more. It is a little blatant, but that's not always bad... sometimes that's what you want to go for... not everyone will understand that, but what really matters is how you feel about it... Overall, it's pretty good... keep it up.

crit for crit?