#1
Ok well here it is... my first song (more like a poem) that I wrote (serious).
It's about having wrong friends, they use you and ultimately abandon you, since they dont need you anymore... And the trauma you go through. The "Collage" of pictures is the memory you have that you now wish wasnt there. Youre lost and have no idea where youre going.

Lost in clouds of mist,
Your eyes covered with gray,
the pieces of your life stop to shift,
and you take another step.

You go with no destination,
grabbing for the broken pictures,
they float in the thick mist,
time seems to (stop)

You fear every step, as if they were your first,
mind erased, succumbed by the thirst.
You fear every moment, as if it were your last,
mind earased, succumbed by the thirst.

In a sea of pictures, distorted, ripped to pieces,
escape your grasp, every time you reach,
They flee from you, and your emptiness,
they can't fill the pit, dug by your past.
Don't bother looking back,
Don't fall for the same trap, again.

You fall into a deep sleep,
without rest, without peace,
your collage is missing,
of all you thought was important to you.
Quote by Durell, spelt like Derrell but pronounced Durell
Can I get yo beautiful ass numba?
#2
not bad, I dig it as a poem for the most part... you've got a good idea behind the song, which is of course very important.... You use some imagery, it's nothing outstanding, but it certainly isn't bad IMO... is this really the first piece you've actually written?? if so, it's wicked good for being your first piece... my favorite thing about this poem is the title. I don't mean that in a way that the work isn't good, but that I think the title you chose couldn't possibly fit the piece any more perfectly... anyways, good job.. keep writing.

crit for crit?