#1
This is my latest piece that i just wrote. i think it has potential so i am looking for some critique. I always am down for a crit for crit so leave a link to your piece if you have one.


The sky is embedded with numbers
Sweet and sensibly cumbersome
Time to break the addiction
Free myself from the chains of conviction
Times like this I say enough

I'll keep my head above the water
Life jacket composed of hope
In the seas only daughter
Could you throw out the rope
And guide me back to shore?

Choppy waves cover me like a cloak
Judgement day is upon us
As this ocean makes me choke
I've learned the true feeling of lust
My castle is surrounded by a moat

A desire for tomorrow to be brighter
Compremising My consensus
To make life's ship a bit lighter
I'm looking past the known five senses
To become a better man
Last edited by burnobus7337 at Jul 20, 2006,
#2
Thats pretty deep. o_o;
A few spelling/grammar errors, which are probably just typos, but its difficult to crit something thats worded like that. Gotta kinda sit here and think about it first. x_x
#3
Your imagery, syntax, and tone are disjointed.

Read through the piece again, and if you find yourself writing complete thoughts (as in, it wouldn't be unreasonable to add a period) when the line breaks, then you need to go ahead and add some transitions in order to make sure that the lines and the stanza as a whole have a fluid nature.

Your syntax is rather broken up, along with the imagery, giving this unnecessary fractured feeling to the flow. Play around with sounds and sound devices, smooth out outstanding syllable counts/sounds, and you should have something that reads better.

Make sure that your diction and voice continue to display the same emotional values (not the same emotions, per se, but that set of emotions you've set out to write about, writing to their specific level of influence) throughout the piece. The tone, to this, needs to be strenghtened over-all, and I'm supposing that that'd have enough influence to bring the whole thing together.

The rhymes are ok - I'd say to keep in mind that scheme, though, when you edit. Don't be afraid to switch up a line if a word seems better in that spot.
#5
WOW great song man! i like how like everything is a metaphore....i totally get what your saying here!
UG's HIPPIE
#6
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
WOW great song man! i like how like everything is a metaphore....i totally get what your saying here!


Thanks all for the crit! i gotta work early so i will crit yours later this weekend
#7
I enjoyed reading your lyrics, and usually I don't have a problem understanding metaphors and algorythms and suchlike (after all, I love Bright Eyes), but by the end of the song, my brain was literally frazzled, just saying "huh".

Maybe I'm being thick, but I really didn't understand it, that doesn't mean I didn't like it though.
If you've got time, please take a look at mine, Talkin' Texas Prison Blues.