#1
this is plain poetry about love and chemistry. lol.

You broke my heart like the snapping of glass tubing into two
And like shattered pieces of broken cylinders
The graduations would never be the same.
Now the methyl red blood on my veins flow in half-drops
Since you wanted a perfect pink in your solution
Of colorless acid, with fumes like clouds of unknown concentration
And only you could answer.


So burn my white creased gown with the tip of a blue flame
And describe your preparations in a meaningless report
It's so easy for you, you're even getting bored
But me, I always get purple overruns
So let me stare at the walls of moles of cement powder
Until you decide to clean-up and leave.
Last edited by hard.luck.baby at Jul 20, 2006,
#2
OMG.


Dude, it was quite cool...but...why chemistry?

*Reaches for fun*

You just reminded me that I am failing Chemistry in school.

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#3
That was pretty cool, are you planning on making it into a song or anything? What's the story behind it, anyways?

Hey crit for crit? The links are in my sig.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 20, 2006,
#5
wow, i never actually thought i would get comments like that.

story? well there's no story. lol. except that our chemistry teacher's name is "majal", which is pronounced as "mahal", and in our country, one definition of "mahal" is love. well we don't really hate him, but we hate his teaching style. he gave us a long exam last week, and we could think the whole day for answers but we just can't get them. so that's it. love is as complicated as chemistry. lol.

well no, MastaBassist10, i dont know if i could make a song out of this.. i have one bloody old guitar with the middle string gone... and my voice is terrible. lol. i'll get to your piece.
#6
I read somewhere on here when I was still lurking around before i signed up that one person gave the advice to another to "comb for the extraeneous" (sorry I cant remember who) and I believe that is pertinent now. you have a bunch of lines and words that muddle the piece and really just veil the meaning, in a bad way. What I would do is just look through this piece and see what phrases and words you can get rid of to make the meaning and flow more concise and succinct... thats really the only advice I have as you did a pretty good job overall.

Edit: crit for crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=398801
#7
i think not everyone could get the whole thing if they weren't doing experiments in chemistry and all, cause i based it mostly on our lab experiments. like, the line with the "pink solution" thing, it was based on one activity where in we had to titrate a solution with acid and base, and the main goal is to produce a very light pink solution... this was supposed to be meant for my classmates, cause i know they could all relate to our teacher's ways, so, im somehow satisfied with this piece. thanks though. ^^;