#1
This is a song i wrote tell if u guys like it or at least help me fix it to make it better.

Verse 1

sitting here, right next to you
thinking, what im gonna do

Dont call me a liar, call me Your friend
I just wanna live , dont wanna be dead

open up my mouth, really slow
to get to the top, not to fall

Believe me baby, i love you
And there is nothing you can do

Choros

give me a chance, wont let u down
please dont let me, go with a frown

please baby, i wil do
anything, to stick with u

give me a chance, c'mon fogive me
i got so much, that u didnt see

alright lets go, to see the show
we'll hold hands, and u will enjoy


Verse 2


lets go to my place, its pretty near
we'll have fun, and drink some beer

take of your shoes, follow me in
sit on the couch, my house is clean

come to my room, do u like music?
i got a guiar, its electronic

open up the case, plug in my guitar
and sing, like a rock star

Chorus

give me a chance, wont let u down
please dont let me, go with a frown

please baby, i wil do
anything, to stick with u

give me a chance, c'mon fogive me
i got so much, that u didnt see

alright lets go, to see the show
we'll hold hands, and u will enjoy

Bridge

now that were rockin
no one can stop us
let confess
god really loves us

i love u
and u love me
whats next
wait and see

Chorus

give me a chance, wont let u down
please dont let me, go with a frown

please baby, i wil do
anything, to stick with u

give me a chance, c'mon fogive me
i got so much, that u didnt see

alright lets go, to see the show
we'll hold hands, and u will enjoy
#2
Well, the verses were pretty good, but the chorus was a bit long, and I like a short, sweet chorus that sticks with, and yours fails to do so, sorry. Work on condensing it into maybe 3 or four lines.

Crit for crit? I really need more crits on "Fate of the Lesser", because I just re-wrote it, and I want to see it people like the new or old version better. Thanks, there's a link in my sig.
#3
yeah i dont have a problem with the chorus, and i love the last line on the first verse, can i use it? JK. Its a really good song I think.

if you crit back its in my sig
#4
The rhyming is very forced - and it's very simple. You also don't rhyme on a couple of lines which with the previous scheme doesn't work. You also don't really convey any images or real mood - it seems like your just telling us the story rather than letting us work it out / draw any conclusions. You repeat the word 'guitar' two lines in a row which for me is a pet hate. It's obviously drawn from experience but it's been done and said many times before and better. Sorry.... these are just my opinions - take from them what you will.



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#5
Dont call me a liar, call me Your friend
I just wanna live , dont wanna be dead


that is a really bad line. change it.

come to my room, do u like music?
i got a guiar, its electronic

this one is amazing.
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#6
yeah to agree with the guy above this line:
I just wanna live , dont wanna be dead
is so out of place it just doesnt fit, or work, but other than that its decent enough, not great but with a bit of work it could be decent