#1
One night thunder started rolling
Voices carried for eternity
It was our screams and yells
Tears raining down
You were sad, I could tell

Now that I think about it
We were mad
I didnt know why
Fighting is so bad

(Chorus)
Fighting is not what I ment to do
It brings more pain
To this pain ridden world
Fighting was not worth the time

So baby please take my apology
Return to back to me
I'm not the person that I was
Now my love is true

Chorus

Note:Same song as before, and same title; not a working title anymore.
Last edited by Quik Axe Player at Jul 25, 2006,
#2
For the most part it sounds good.... the chorus is a little uneven, maybe

Fighting is not what I meant to do
It bring more pain
To this pain ridden world
Fighting was not worth the time.

I hope that helps! If you can check out my lyrics, I have them on my sig.
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
#4
I like it buddy....

I don't know what the chorus was previously but now I'm not sure about 'brings more pain... to this pain ridden world' ..... I don't think you should use pain as an adjective in the second line if you're using it in the first (imo).

Also.. I think the first stanza may sound a little better if you switch it around a little:

One night thunder started rolling
It was our screams and yells
Voices carrying for eternity
Tears running down
You were sad, I could tell

to

One night thunder started rolling
Voices carried for eternity
It was our screams and yells
Tears raining down
You were sad, I could tell

(Just my opininon on it... take it as you will)

As I said though I do like this song buddy.

If you get a chance could you have a look at mine please (in sig.)



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#8
Good job Quik.. The only thing i can see to crit is the chorus. Just is a little off in flow, and is awkward comparred to the verses. Overall. it is really good. Keep on writing
#10
well i like the first part but the last line "You were sad, I could tell" jsut doesnt fit in there, maybe you start experimenting with writing approaches like most of my writing these days doesnt rhyme at all, it used to be my main priority but I relized that telling a good story was much more important, so maybe next song you write try not to be held back by rhymes and even sylables in a line because you start off with good deep words then manipulate them into and good deep song, Oh yeah one thing i that i lke to do is open a dictionary to a random page find a word that intrest you, then find similiar words of the same meaning, and keep branching off, and while doing this write down some words that you like with the meanings to incorporate into your song, like for example "Juxtaposed " is in one of my poems because of that technique