#1
Hey guys, thanks for all your crits on the last one. This is a poem I just wrote about my girlfriend, who is leaving to move away in exactly 5 weeks. Crit for crit, enjoy.


In Precisely Five Weeks

Watch over the hill and hold your breath
Count to ten, don?t let your throat get a rest
Burst with your hands and blow smoke from your mouth
Shape it like a shifter or make it cuddly like a cloud
Just look for the sunrise through the golden, pristine arrows
Full of ?maybe when I get back?s? and ?somehow I don?t knows?

Because in so many weeks a decision is made
And in so many hours so many can be saved

Turn it back down, make myself a machine
You make me feel like a ghost or just a covered white sheet
Explode from the center like a party popper flavor
But make it like a sunrise, don?t make it a danger
Just look for the moonlight amidst the crack of the day
Because after this moment we will never be the same

Because in so many weeks forever is now
And in so many seconds the sky is a cloud.


Thanks for reading guys . Crit for crit. Leave links if you could.
#2
Really nice piece sky... some good imagery and a nice flow. Obviously a very personal piece and some good emotion. I love the last two lines of both the first and the third stanzas. This aint really a crit - more of a well done. Nothing in there I can suggest anything on anyway. I notice you were cuddling books in the last one and now you have cuddly clouds



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#3
I'm not that into this one... I thought it was OK... there are some good lines. I'm just not big on it, some rhyming does seem a little forced. I'll tell you what I like so this will be more positive.. I like the last two lines of the first stanza and third stanza. I think those are solid lines. I like the line with the party popper flavor, interesting choice there. It's got potential, with some revisions it could be good... most people do have to change their stuff a lot, I know I do.. and my stuff isn't necessarily that good. So, keep working at it, it's tough. By the way, I hope things turn out well with your girl and all.
#6
you're silly benny, i'm not going anywhere in 5 weeks lolololzz


Watch over the hill and hold your breath
Count to ten, don?t let your throat get a rest
Burst with your hands and blow smoke from your mouth
Shape it like a shifter or make it cuddly like a cloud
Just look for the sunrise through the golden, pristine arrows
Full of ?maybe when I get back?s? and ?somehow I don?t knows?

the only qualm i have with this is the 4th line, "Shape it like a shifter or make it cuddly like a cloud" iunno i don't reallyy like the way it sounds. i love the ending bit with the speech marked quotes and stufff. that works well. very good opening.

Because in so many weeks a decision is made
And in so many hours so many can be saved

i don't like the repitition of "so many" in the 2nd line. i dunno, maybe you were going for some kind of effect with that, but liike, i dunno, it sounds kinda off to me. i dunno what to suggest though. i'm not very helpful i know lolol.

Turn it back down, make myself a machine
You make me feel like a ghost or just a covered white sheet
Explode from the center like a party popper flavor
But make it like a sunrise, don?t make it a danger
Just look for the moonlight amidst the crack of the day
Because after this moment we will never be the same

i lvoe the 2nd line; that's very excellent writing there, the imagery is really good. excellent solid and continous rhyming structure throughout. nothingg to crit =)

Because in so many weeks forever is now
And in so many seconds the sky is a cloud.

omg this is the perfect ending. i love it.

okayy so this crit has been a bit, um, not very good, cos i havenm't really suggested much. but i like this piece a lot. it's quite simple but works really well this way <3
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#7
lol alice, you are the greatest and i love you and thanks.
i should move to england.
im gonna go there next summer i think.
i think i told you that.
thanks, any links guys? more crits on this?