#1
Crit for crit, of course! Please help me to improve this...

Black Lace

There?s a grey oak tree
By the silver stream
That stands like a wise old friend
With secrets all in his head
A nest of songbirds
Underneath are heard
In a picturesque escape
Imbued with familiar shapes

Don?t you wear that black lace
Please don?t hide your pretty face
Because of my cold embrace
You know it?s far too late for grace

I want to lay down
Down in the strong brown
Arms of dearest Mother Earth
Down to the place of my birth
And breathe a deep sigh
As I watch the sky
Alone in this land to the west
By myself I can finally rest

Don?t you wear that black lace
Please don?t hide your pretty face
Because of my cold embrace
You know it?s far too late for grace

Don?t you shed a tear
All wounds quickly heal
I love to see your bright smile
But I won?t see you for a while
Maybe, when this dream
Has ended its scheme
You can visit me one day
When the sky is not so grey

And I?ll smile from the earth?s embrace
Just to see your sweet face
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#2
Jesus Christ that was so well written. I have nothing negative to say, you are a genious, bravo. That chorus;
Don?t you wear that black lace
Please don?t hide your pretty face
Because of my cold embrace
You know it?s far too late for grace

was fantastic, I loved it, it would do well with some folky acoustic guitar and a violin playing the melody. Damn, that was a good read. Keep up the good work! Could you please read my latest rap; Fate of the Lesser? The link to it is in my signature.
#3
Wow. Just, wow. This song is definately the best that I've seen on UG (although the others weren't bad!) It seems perfect for a movie, opening credits... but that's just my opinion. If you ever write this with acoustic guitar accompnaying (sp?), I would love the tab+recording, because I can definately see this being played at an acoustic gig. Thanks a ton!
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
#4
I really like this. It's frikin great. Nice use of words. Imagery. Emotion. It's all there. One of those rare gems you find in these forums.
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#5
Quote by Tantalus
Wow. Just, wow. This song is definately the best that I've seen on UG (although the others weren't bad!) It seems perfect for a movie, opening credits... but that's just my opinion. If you ever write this with acoustic guitar accompnaying (sp?), I would love the tab+recording, because I can definately see this being played at an acoustic gig. Thanks a ton!


Yeah, it's going to be acoustic. It's actually going to be part of this little seven song concept album I'm working on. I'm going to start recording that soon, so hopefully I'll have it for you in a little while....
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#6
Oh. My. God. That was absolute genius, dude. Seriously, I could picture a music video for this (sorry, I see things that way). The imagery and the wordplay is excellent. The ending really caps it off. Could you crit mine? It should be on the first page. It's called After-Effects.
#7
i like the imagery, but all in all, the lyrics seem
a bit over done and overwrought.
not that it isnt good writing, because it is,
but the rhyming seems a tad forced,
and i feel like ive heard it before.
over all, i like it though.
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang
#8
That was pretty decent, to be honest.

My main advice would be for what I presume is the chorus, cut down on the my/you etc as it appears every line, just reword that part a bit, and with a polish up you have a nice piece on your hands
#9
This was real good. Very down to earth. Good romanticist writing. Very positive, yet hinting at an underlying sadness.

I liked how each verse took its own direction. You started rather broad descibing the tree, then you personallized it discussing what you wish to do, finally, you clinched it with an optimistic view of the future.
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#10
That was really, really well written...a lot better than anything I can write in my opinion...I can't wait to read more lyrics that you write!