#1
I wanted this song to be kinda fun. It's about a guy who gets dumped by his girlfriend, and goes to drink her away, and ends up dancing like a maniac by the end of the night.

One More Dance Before I Go Home

I am a modern day Romeo
only this Juliet doesn?t love me
She breaks down, and has a heart attack
every time I speak her name

I?m not a fanatic, that?s a lie
I?m a romantic with bloodshot eyes
I?ve been awake for 36 hours
watching the minutes tick right off the clock

And now there is nothing left to this

I?ve got the ability to fall
and the resolve to match the scene
I feel like a heartless killer
and a 15 yr old drama queen

So somebody call the hounds off of me
Cuz all this barking?s making it harder to sleep
I?ve got a line of blood running down my wrist
Don?t you wish you could dance like this

Under these lights
When it?s all ok
But the beat?s off and unsteady
and I?m not sure how it feels to be alive

Cuz this warm air feels like a sauna
I think it?s melting me inside

So dance, dance these blues away
And feel the aftermath of denial
I?m dance, dancing these blues away
but I can?t seem to keep in time
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#2
some of it's really good.. I especially like the one about bloodshot eyes, pretty good. I like the topic you chose to write it on. It probably wouldn't sound bad as a fun song.. I think the last line in the first stanza kinda throws off the flow. Kinda weird, kinda fun, kinda good. I think you hit the mark you were going for. Good job.

would you mind dropping me a crit on charlie or something? (cause my other song's message board got messed up with debates, I think i'm gonna close it or something). It's cool if you don't want to though...
#3
thanks. yeah, my flow always goes off somewhere, but i like it that way. I like songs that have jagged lyrics that kinds of start-stop in the middle of nowhere for no reason. All my friends label my music "chaoscore". but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!