#1
Funky- don't start telling me to add metaphor and imagery, I know it doesn't consist of that, this is almost just an exercise in flow.

Critique for critique, if you leave a decent comment and a link.

Enjoy


Staring at the mirror
Looking to my eyes
I can tell you what it is
That makes you despise

Have a little heart girl
Your merry little heart
Are you worthy to go
Shall I even try to start

You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me

Live it a bit better
Time to start it fresh
Take it all in time girl
But I digress

Fighting for my love and
Fighting for my heart
If your ever gonna fight
Then you might wanna start

You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me

Fight, fight, fight, fight

Smile a little wider
Smile loud and proud
Show it to the masses
Go and show it to the crowd

Stare into my eyes and
Tell me you are mine
I'd hate to say no to ya
But if your gonna waste my time...

You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
#2
Before I really critique this, can I ask what its about, cause its a little confusing. I'm not sure if its about love, hate, fighting, what. Thanks.
#3
It was pretty good. The rhythm was nice, but it seemed to get a little inconsistant at the end of the stanzas. This was pretty simple as far as language goes, but that's not bad. Nice job.

Crit mine, if you feel like it: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=397858
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#5
Well written. I think it's a little confusing, but still good. I would say only have two "you gotta fight for" at the end.

Songs in sig.
#6
As the others said gets kinda confusing, but never the less. Good Job
#9
Right... this is the 3rd time I've tried posting this crit and its hung on submit every time so this is gonna be quicker and less detailed as a result cos my computer is <beeping> me off........ (2nd time I copied the crit into clipboard just incase but that dissapeared when internet explorer crashed again.. grrrr).... anyway:

Quote by Jammydude44

Staring at the mirror
Looking to my eyes
I can tell you what it is
That makes you despise

(Solid enough start)

Have a little heart girl
Your merry little heart
Are you worthy to go
Shall I even try to start

(I don't really like the second line here and it seems to have jumped to somewhere else - the first stanza ended with 'I can tell you....' but then it doesn't. I'm also not sure what this stanza is trying to say)

You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me

(Simple but effective chorus imo

Live it a bit better
Time to start it fresh
Take it all in time girl
But I digress

(Seems a little confused... live it better... start fresh... take it all in time... which one? Also the flow seems to struggle a bit in this one)

Fighting for my love and
Fighting for my heart
If your ever gonna fight
Then you might wanna start

(Again seems confused.... fighting for love and heart... then IF your gonna fight... which one? I don't know if this is what you're going for.. that your confused but you still want her to fight......)

You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me

Fight, fight, fight, fight

Smile a little wider
Smile loud and proud
Show it to the masses
Go and show it to the crowd

(You've jumped again to somewhere else but the flow is nice in this one)

Stare into my eyes and
Tell me you are mine
I'd hate to say no to ya
But if your gonna waste my time...

(The flow struggles again in this one and it seems like last verse syndrome.. i.e. you've run out of things to say and it's just in there for the sake of it)

You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
You gotta fight for
Me


Overall - as an 'excercise in flow' it worked pretty well. It just seemed a bit confused and it jumped around a bit too much. The rhymes were simple but it seems that whas what you were going for so that's not a problem. I thought it was pretty good for what it was. I'm not very good at these crits so take this as you will.........



One day the otters will destroy you all... humans.
#10
To be quite frank i hated it. Are you sure you wrote this? But more to the point; this was a flow excercise you say? In that case it was done well, but it all other respects it was awful, sorry to be so blunt but hey

I think you know what's wrong with this piece (if you want it to be a piece? I dunno) so i won't say it!

So well done with this excercise and i look forward to seeing your new flow techniques put to good use in your next piece.

Could you look at my latest please? In the sig as usual.
#11
Ha, thanks you two.

I wasn't going for anything flashy here, simple language, flowing and rhyming. I had looked up on some of the Sly and th Family Stone lyrics, and saw that they weren't exactly inspired lyrics, and I thought if they can be succesful with those lyrics then why can't I?

But yeh, this jumped around too much, I realise that now, Thankyou for taking the time out to comment on this.