#1
this is a topic i have been wanting to write about, lyric wise that is, and I have something as a starter verse so far, just want to get some crit. for it.

Verse 1

Im sweating bullets
From a frantic illussion
To deranged even for a schizo
Mad as a Hatter
Short unballance of furor
close the curtains in my head


what else should I add, in your opinion as subjects for dementia? <-- if you want to
Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop.....BANG! BANG! BANG!.....clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop...

^ Amish Drive-By
#2
I like what you have now, I've heard the "sweating bullets" line before, but not enough to make it overdone or cliche. Keep expanding on it, sounds very metal, I see potential.

In the meanwhile, could you please crit my rap "Fate of the Lesser", it would be great, as I just put up a new re-write of it, and I need some more crits on it. Thanks, and here's the link: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=396891 (I promise its good!)