#1
Hi everyone! After a short period of writer's block, I'm back. I'd like to hear some interpetation and discussion on this one, as the images, title and characters warrant reflection.



Plastic Explosives


Placing tangent amber beacons
?long the path of ancestry
Tempting the tortuous ass;
The man and boy that set you free.

All his cons and desperate running,
Fleeting blades of steel and cunning
Resound; bare light-bulb symphony:
A piano-key epiphany!

Subtle sing-song Great Submission
(Like execution orders, brief)
Stirs no pity, guilt, or question;
Brings neither solace nor relief.

Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak.

Relays his orders, curtains drawn,
In shivering, defies the heat.
So that you?re forced to raise your hand
And make that bastard obsolete.

Unmask vanity, imply majesty
And realize that what lies beneath
Is not what you wanted to find;
But what you?ve always hidden from,
Denounced, condemned and ranted about;
Bare and truthful; merciless and cold.

On charges of treason,
The jury has found itself
Guilty as charged.
Last edited by pooch0072 at Jul 21, 2006,
#2
Holy damn, that was really good. I see it as a man, waiting for his sentence, after violently exploding (hence the title) and commiting some vile act. He is condemned to death. I really enjoyed:
Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak.

I was very poetic, I loved it, I cannot say it enough. What kind of music is it going with?

Could you please crit my latest rap, "Fate of the Lesser"? That would be great, here's the link: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=396891
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 21, 2006,
#3
i really like this one antoine. sorry i can't give a fuller crit, i read through it trying to pick out some stuff that i could maybe suggest things for... but to no avail lol. i really like the tone and mood you create here, and also the imagery is very strong.

i especially like the bis:
Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.


very nciely done. well done!
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
That was... awesome. I mean, I really, really loved it. Completely solid flow, it read like a dream and I just think it was one of the pieces I've most enjoyed reading on here. I'm not saying it's the best, but the I would say you've made it so godamn easy to read that it makes it, for me, one of the most enjoyable works to read since I've been on here.

My interpretation? Not entirely sure, but I got a lot of I've-just-found-some-inspiration vibe from it, like finding an extra burst of creativity or somehting, but then towards the end I kind of lost that, nd it became a realising something that you;ve known all along sort of thing. then the last stanza confused me

but, you know, I said this thing to #1synth before he departed. I'm not on you guys's level, but If I don't "get" a piece I judge it on how much fun I had reading it, it's flow, rhythm and general tone etc.

And this was just great, top job
#5
Thanks to all!

To MastaBassist101: This piece is poetry and not meant for music. Your interpretation is interesting, though I hadn't thought of it that way. It's about a lot of things though, which is the beauty of poetry. I think your rap has received plenty of crits and I will reserve my crit for your nest piece.
#6
Quote by pooch0072
Thanks to all!

To MastaBassist101: This piece is poetry and not meant for music. Your interpretation is interesting, though I hadn't thought of it that way. It's about a lot of things though, which is the beauty of poetry. I think your rap has received plenty of crits and I will reserve my crit for your nest piece.

Since you're a mod, and you're here, I want to ask you something: When you mean 2 pieces a week , does that mean I can post another piece on Sunday-on, or does that mean 7 days from my last piece? Cause I got a new piece coming up, and I want to post it as soon as possible.
#9
Quote by pooch0072
Sunday-on.


ummm are you sure... because i got a piece closed once because it wasnt 7 days from the last...

anyways

jallas its "more full" ( that just bugged me) :P

onto the piece

Placing tangent amber beacons
?long the path of ancestry
Tempting the tortuous ass;
The man and boy that set you free.

erm i dont really like the last line in this stanza it seems like a bland way of putting it. im guessing ( from the rest of the song though im terrible at finding meanings in poems/songs) that the whole thing is introducing the line of kings from the same ancestry and the man and boy that set you free just doesnt work i would say you ancestry but oyu already used it, anyways i dont really like 'man and boy'

All his cons and desperate running,
Fleeting blades of steel and cunning
Resound; bare light-bulb symphony:
A piano-key epiphany!

the one thing im not understanding is the whole music tie in with this piece. its about a line of kings that are making orders without thinking and just kinda doing horrible and they have no heard though im still working on tieing in the music part of this. Though this stanza was pretty good.

Subtle sing-song Great Submission
(Like execution orders, brief)
Stirs no pity, guilt, or question;
Brings neither solace nor relief.

i love line two. It gives a very good feel to the stanza and explains the subtley of the music. good writing.

Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak.

Relays his orders, curtains drawn,
In shivering, defies the heat.
So that you?re forced to raise your hand
And make that bastard obsolete.

this i like, but not so much as the others. The whole curtains drawn is kind of cliche and while it does show what you mean well its just been done a lot. The defies the heat is a great line. i really dont like the last line that much it seems jumbly "make that bastard obselete" whether its syllable account idk but i think just a simple and make him obselete would of gone over better.

Unmask vanity, imply majesty
And realize that what lies beneath
Is not what you wanted to find;
But what you?ve always hidden from,
Denounced, condemned and ranted about;
Bare and truthful; merciless and cold.

Least favorite stanza. in line two id take out "that" its unecessary. ok the adjectives at the end. i think there unneeded, already through this piece we know hes a piece of ****. You dont need to hurt structure because you feel like you need to say how much more ****ty he is. honestly most people arent going to even think of the meanings in those words because we already know hes crappy and theres no point in hearing even more how ****ty he is

On charges of treason,
The jury has found itself
Guilty as charged.

good ending



I thought it was good honestly, I am a reluctant writer of structered poetry just because im lazy and i usually dont like having to conform to something that could ultimately hide my meaning. so it was good. oh also another thing, i dont like how you change up the rhyme scheme, so that may need fixing as well

-Mike
#10
this deserves a bump and I'll get you a full crit as soon as I can... just want you to know, this piece inspired me so hopefully it will pull me out of my writers block as well
#11
Mmmk, i'm black dotting this one so i can get back to it tomorrow. From what i read briefly it looks great.
#12
This is amazing poetry. I think ( it could be wrong) talking about men who contributed hanus acts to society and pay for it. Hey you are so good i would love it if you crit mine.
It's called " Embracing Loneliness". Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more.
#14
Sorry I took so long getting to this. Between the time you gave my crit and my posting this, my band fell apart

From what I've seen of you so far you seem to employ well the multiple meanings that words may take. This piece is no exception.

Basically the content of this piece for me brings to mind many film plots, all of which feature some dictator styled of villain in a position of power or whatever. I suppose I needn't go into which films/stories this is remniscient of, but at least one of them features gratuitous explosions!

I guess a couple of allusions are telling. Maybe the wilted laurel crown, for one, along with the "raise your hand" line. Certain parts definitely point to events of some kind of ancient civilisation. But then the explosives don't quite agree with that. Maybe this works as kind of a collage of revolutions or overthrowings of sorts.

Anyway this was well metered and very well rhymed. Undoubtedly a poem of more than one facet. Given the explosive theme, 'twas nice use of "charged" on the last line. It's witty, if nothing else.

So, yeah, sorry if I haven't been so insightful on this one! I did really enjoy it.
Ro
ρ
#15
Thanks for the crit Ronan, and I hope things come to the best with your band ordeal. And yes, fascism and The State (and The Man) are what this is centerred upon.
#16
Quote by pooch0072
Hi everyone! After a short period of writer's block, I'm back. I'd like to hear some interpetation and discussion on this one, as the images, title and characters warrant reflection.



Plastic Explosives


Placing tangent amber beacons
?long the path of ancestry
Tempting the tortuous ass;
The man and boy that set you free.
Gorgeous opening.
All his cons and desperate running,
Fleeting blades of steel and cunning
Resound; bare light-bulb symphony:
A piano-key epiphany!
Great stanza. Nothing to criticise yet. You're using wonderful metaphors which really bring it to life.
Subtle sing-song Great Submission
(Like execution orders, brief)
Stirs no pity, guilt, or question;
Brings neither solace nor relief.
Reads fantastically well.
Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak.
This is a well joined stanza but i don't see the relevance of the Greeks.
Relays his orders, curtains drawn,
In shivering, defies the heat.
So that you?re forced to raise your hand
And make that bastard obsolete.
Quite good but not as strong as the other stanzas i feel; it lacks the diction of the rest.
Unmask vanity, imply majesty
And realize that what lies beneath
Is not what you wanted to find;
But what you?ve always hidden from,
Denounced, condemned and ranted about;
Bare and truthful; merciless and cold.
That's better, more like the rest of the piece
On charges of treason,
The jury has found itself
Guilty as charged.
Good little ending.


Good stuff pooch. You showed good use of diction not just use of it which is good to see. Also your painting was up to scratch
This reads so well i almost expect to see it in textbooks.

However the one thing i would say is that the 5th stanza is somewhat detatched from the rest of the poem in terms of strength if you know what i mean. I reckon you can get a lot more out of it.

Can you take a peek at mine for me please? In the sig my good man Cheers.
#17
Placing tangent amber beacons
?long the path of ancestry
Tempting the tortuous ass;
The man and boy that set you free.
I like rhyming, and I am not ashamed to say that. You did quite well to keep it very neat and the flow of this opening stanza was well put.

All his cons and desperate running,
Fleeting blades of steel and cunning
Resound; bare light-bulb symphony:
A piano-key epiphany!
Sometimes you can get away with an inaccurate sylable count, but unfortunately this is not one of them. I admire the courage in AABB rhyming, and the fact you didn't force extra words on the content, but I do think for the sake of the piece you should have made an exception just this once. No complaints content-wise though. And I'll get to your semicolon later.

Subtle sing-song Great Submission
(Like execution orders, brief)
Stirs no pity, guilt, or question;
Brings neither solace nor relief.
Alliteration - good, rhyming - good, flow and structure - great. It's a great little stanza, what can I say, but I see found no real content in it to add to the piece as a whole. Maybe expand it a little? Make it mean more to the poem.

Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak.
See, now this this is in a way just like the stanza before, but this adds something extra, a very witty stanza that stirs something when read.

Relays his orders, curtains drawn,
In shivering, defies the heat.
So that you?re forced to raise your hand
And make that bastard obsolete.
I actually expected you to break the rhyming here, maybe with a longer last line or a short middle line between the last two, but it does work like it is, so no complaints.

Unmask vanity, imply majesty
And realize that what lies beneath
Is not what you wanted to find;
But what you?ve always hidden from,
Denounced, condemned and ranted about;
Bare and truthful; merciless and cold.
Semicolon. *sigh*. I like it all, but that. Wonderful stanza, flow was incredible.

On charges of treason,
The jury has found itself
Guilty as charged.
Simple ending to the point. Just right. I don't know though, I prefered "had" to "has".

Antoine, this was a very well written piece that had great flow and to-the-point rhyming (which is my favorite), but you have flaunted every punctuation gimmick in your possession and made it seem as if this piece needed the decoration, which it didn't.
With that, I enjoyed it immensely.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#18
yeah this is really good, wow, like everyone else said. you wont make this into a song will you? thatd be really cool and original as a song, but as for the writing, really good and thats all i can say, great poetry, (and its cool even if ts not a song im just saying)

if you can crit back, theres a link in my sig, please
#19
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but I was intrigued by the Head of Lead, Heart of teak line, and as to why you switched the Head of wood(block head) cliche and heart of stone cliche around, since it was most likely on purpose. His heart was foolish and his thouhgts were cold? Also was wondering if the wood teak carries any meaning besides that it is a tropical wood. Overall really good poem, excellent flow, enjoyed the 3rd and 4th stanzas the most.

If you have time you can stop by my latest https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#20
Yeah, that line is meant to be a pun in that matter, and the alliteration came into play nicely. Teak is an expensive exotic wood used for patio furniture by rich people. Try and get to what that means. Oh and almost every line has hidden and multiple meanings a bit like this one.
#23
ok, this will be fun

I cannot do a full crit right now as I have to go to sleep now but I will touch on some of the things I noticed and will elaborate on later, little prompts to my person if you will, and I will gor further still making these the 'things I must decipher to grasp any speck of meaning':

1. what is the said 'epiphony'
2. what do the 'man and boy' symbolize and are they more concrete then I am thinking
3. remember the phrase 'dimly lit trek of time' and 'the question of destiny over time' and 'the journey to truth'
4. who is narrator?
5. you ****ing genious you, capitalizing 'Great Submission' like that... to bad I dont know the allusion, unless its the halocaust or something to that effect, and if so, who are the victims you are portraying?
6. again, what is this 'great submission'?
7. "Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak."
-this is so much more than it appears, it is not purely a symbol its something much greater. I believe what you did with this stanza was essentially set up a code where things are not at all what they seem... but if they're not, then what are they?
8. Again, who are the narrator and audience, I have a hard time believing that you are solely writing to the reader, you have a specific audience in mind.
9. goddamn I <3 you, you are a bloody genious... so many levels... so many ideas, people who cop out in analyzing the meaning out of this are missing out.

Will post my real crit tommorow.
#24
Here we go fo' rizzle :

Random Dylan notes you may find interesting:I believe this is purely the story of a man (either judge or other scholarly occupation) attempting to find meaning to his life, to existence but being barred by the encroaching disease of time as it slowly erodes not only his bones but also his obscurity in ignorance in order for him to find that time is truth, truth is time, originality is futile and impossible. This is the story of this man?s latter life where he reflects.

Placing tangent amber beacons
?long the path of ancestry
Tempting the tortuous ass;
The man and boy that set you free.

In this section it explains the man?s unwavering affliction in his obsession with finding meaning to existence pointing out how he has traced ??long the path of ancestry? or ?traced ?long the paths of those who have preceded him in order to catch some sort of clue to his quest. The tortuous ass is symbolic of these ?ancestors? attempting to answer the same problem and the ?man and boy? is symbolic of time and how it condemns quest to answer and sets quest free through death.


All his cons and desperate running,
Fleeting blades of steel and cunning
Resound; bare light-bulb symphony:
A piano-key epiphany!

Subtle sing-song Great Submission
(Like execution orders, brief)
Stirs no pity, guilt, or question;
Brings neither solace nor relief.

This epiphany I believe is that after all of his yearning and ?desperate running? he has realized that they have been futile, washed away in proverbial watercolors into the stream of time. Again, this ?Great Submission? is time, ?brief? because it is unnoticed and
?Stirs no pity, guilt, or question;
Brings neither solace nor relief.?
For it is an accepted factor of living, impossible to break.


Checkmate on the chess-master;
The king and tyrant of the Greek.
A wilted laurel crown upon
A head of lead and heart of teak.

He falls victim to the overall futility of living, what is the purpose of living as a scholarly man who accepts science and society (philosophy and religion) if he will die at the hands of something intangible to him.

Relays his orders, curtains drawn,
In shivering, defies the heat.
So that you?re forced to raise your hand
And make that bastard obsolete.

Unmask vanity, imply majesty
And realize that what lies beneath
Is not what you wanted to find;
But what you?ve always hidden from,
Denounced, condemned and ranted about;
Bare and truthful; merciless and cold.

On charges of treason,
The jury has found itself
Guilty as charged.

Ignorace is bliss, innocence is a blessing, time is all context, death and life are futile, purpose is perspective, this man has lost all of the above. This is my analysis, I could further analyze if you want. Tell me if I rambled at all.